Tag Archives: healing

A GATEWAY TO GRATITUDE

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It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and poured my heart out to you all, but lately I have not been able to escape the desire to do so.  As this new year has gotten underway there is something that leaps from my heart in gratitude for where I am and what God has done in my life lately.  It is something that altered my spiritual journey and involves a group of believers who have no idea how deeply they affected my life or how they made a difference in ways they would not have imagined.  This is my way of saying thank you and sharing with you the lessons I learned as a result. 

Most of you know I have been through great losses over the past 5-6 years, including the passing of my mom and dad just six months apart last year. After their passing I felt like everything in my life had been stripped away from me. In 2018, I had left a church where I had devoted 23 years of my life, including my role as Music/Choir Director for 19 of those years. It became apparent that God was moving me in a different direction, and although I followed, it came at a time in my personal life where I needed the support of a church family more than I can even express! I knew, however, that not following God’s leading to move on would have made things even more difficult. I thought He would immediately move me to the place He wanted me to continue serving, but that didn’t happen. We visited a few churches prior to the loss of my parents, but my dad struggled with things being different, as he was dealing with advancing dementia at the time. Recognizing that “finding” a new church wasn’t going to happen with Dad’s condition and Mom’s failing health, we began attending a home church in my sister’s house that lasted a while until we all began to feel as though God was pulling us to find our new church home. My husband and I found a wonderful church and were “all in” with our attendance and participation, but after several months, something just wasn’t fitting. It was a great church, but we realized it was not where God had been leading us, though we tried to stay because we didn’t want to have to move again. With the upheaval in our lives, we just wanted to find “home” and stay there. We learned, however, that trying to stay in our comfort zones when God is still moving doesn’t work that well – not in the decision of a church to attend or in any other decisions we face in life.

We all have times where things around us get a little shaky, but for a child of God, He is still working through those times. He promised He would lead and guide us, but when there is upheaval in an area (or many areas) of life, most of us naturally want to hunker down and not move at all. We just want comfort and peace, and I was scrambling to find anything that resembled it. I just wanted to feel grounded again, but it wasn’t happening for me. When we find ourselves in these places, it is vitally important for us to be still, take a breath – even if it is a forced one – and grab hold of the truths of God’s word and promises to us that He will never leave us (Deut. 31:8) and that He is working all things out for our ultimate good (Rom. 8:28). It doesn’t mean you won’t struggle or even feel alone at times. It doesn’t mean you won’t cry out for understanding or clarity. God’s timing is perfect, but when it doesn’t align with ours, it can cause us great distress in our humanity. Waiting is never easy but waiting when you feel isolated or alone makes it even harder.

After Mom passed, my husband and I began attending a different church, one to which I was being drawn.  From the first Sunday, there were things that stood out for me (amazing music with choir and orchestra, along with a biblically sound message), but the thing that stood out the most was that everyone we met seemed genuinely happy to be there and genuinely happy to see everyone who walked in the door whether they were familiar or totally new!  I not only felt welcome, but I also felt seen for the first time in a long time.  People treated us like old friends even though we were technically strangers.  And coming from several years of feeling so isolated, it was the best feeling in the world.  As we attended, I continued to watch the dynamic each week to see if what we experienced was consistent and genuine, and it seemed to be so. 

After a couple of months, I felt God drawing me into a desire to serve alongside these people, and I was able to join the choir, though I had not yet made the decision whether to officially join the church as a member. That experience, and being welcomed into that group of people with open arms, is something for which I will always be grateful. What it provided for me was the opportunity to see if what I saw and felt flowing from them during services each week was true. Was it a performance? Was it a group full of egos? Or was it people with hearts of service and love for God simply doing what they are called to do? From the very first practice with them, I saw an authenticity that touched my heart deeply. Everyone involved in that music program had a huge impact on my decision to officially join the church. God used all of them to validate and cement in my heart that this is where He had led me, and this is where I belonged. Not only was there truth in the messages, but there was also truth in the people. They didn’t know the profound way God was using them to impact my life and my spiritual journey, but I do, and I am beyond grateful.

What you do as person of faith matters, and especially so as a member of a body of believers. You never know who may be watching, searching for something that is real…something that surpasses “religion” and cuts to the heart of our relationships with God and to each other. I’ve said this often, but Jesus tells us we ARE salt and light, not that we can be salt and light. We just need to decide what kind of salt and light we will be. God can do amazing things in our lives and in the lives of others around us when we serve with a willing heart. There is no way we will ever know the scope of how our lives have positively impacted this world when we put God’s word into action. We won’t always see how He worked in the lives of people around us just by us pouring love into even the strangers we meet along the way. But just like a stone tossed into the water, the ripples extend far beyond what we can see and to depths we may never even know existed.

I have such gratitude for the people that God used to create a gateway to the body of believers that has become my home.  For every person I have encountered that has loved and shown God’s love not only to me, but to everyone who walks through that door, thank you.  Thank you for your witness and example of what a family of God looks like.  When I lost my dad on Christmas Eve last year, I felt so alone in many ways. I had only begun building relationships with those around me in my new church home, so I didn’t feel that full web of support I had experienced for all but the previous few years of my life.  But standing here today, I am also a testimony of how God can soothe and heal our hearts in reverse because the unbelievable joy, love, and connectedness I feel to Him and to all of you makes it seem like you’ve been with me all along…even back then. 

As we continue into this new year, I pray we can all take a moment and remember those who have impacted us in such a way that we are changed for the better.  As people of faith, let us remember that we are impacting others every single day of our lives.  Not only are we commanded to love, but we are commanded how to love and what that love says to the world around us…. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

Blessings to you all!

p.s. If you are looking for a place to worship, come join me! https://www.gatewayvisalia.com/

Peace In Letting Go

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It seems like so long since I have been in touch with you all, but hopefully this will bring us all back together because, quite frankly, I’ve missed you.

shutterstock_213079855We all have reasons and circumstances in life that cause us to retreat.  It doesn’t matter the source, because the reactions are much the same.  For me, it has been several years (especially the past year) of dealing with a loved one who has Dementia and struggling to leave a church I’d been part of for over 20 years.  Then my husband’s parents died just four days apart.  Within a matter of weeks, things substantially declined with my dad and he ended up moving into a memory care facility which resulted in my mom (whom I love beyond words) moving in with my husband and me.  To say it has made my heart wander and wonder would be an understatement, yet here I am doing it more than I could have ever dreamed.

Life is hard, and sometimes it seems we get beat up every time we turn around.  On top of that, people can also be mean, unkind, selfish and even narcissistic, including ourselves at times, which is why it’s so important to be able to reflect and take a look inward to see how we are contributing to the situations in which we find ourselves.  I am learning (more slowly than I’d like) there are times when you just have to step away.  When reality slaps us in the face, sometimes we have to be willing to let go of expectation.  That’s something I’ve never been able to do very well because I am not a good “leaver” no matter the situation.  When I was younger, I couldn’t have anticipated how much pain that trait would cause me over the course of my life.  There is a fine line between believing or hoping for the best in someone and subjecting yourself to continual heartache, bullying or abuse.

When you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel as though you are on the outside of something, whether it is a job, relationships, church or anything else, there are always things you can do to try and regain your footing.  The struggle that comes with finding your footing is that sometimes it may require you to step somewhere else.  shutterstock_1492027019THAT is something with which many of us are not comfortable.  Stepping out of what we want into the reality that exists means we have to let go, give up, and be willing to experience the loss and grief that comes with doing so.  Peace doesn’t come easy in these kinds of seasons in life.  When you are between a rock and a hard place, even if only by perception, it is painful no matter which way you turn.  But it’s also in that terribly lonely place that you are forced to look at what you are willing to do to be free.

As a person of faith, I have struggled with what to do or where to be.  I believe God has a plan for each of our lives, for my life, and yet I get discouraged or feel like giving up just like many of you.  Having faith doesn’t mean we don’t experience times of discouragement, rejection or even utter despair at times.  It doesn’t mean we won’t get tired or feel lonely.  Jesus himself experienced these same things when He was walking on this earth.  Our emotions aren’t sinful; they are human, but it’s what we do with our emotions that’s important.

They say confession is good for the soul, so I have to tell you that as I was writing this post, I was interrupted by a song I’d never heard before.  It was validating, comforting, and convicting all at the same time.  The song is called “Ordinary Love” by the Jim Brady Trio, and the words of the chorus have been echoing in my mind over and over.  “Ordinary love, a love that winds its way through common conversations and simple acts of grace, ‘cause no one needs a superstar and no one need a saint.  We need someone to just show up with ordinary love.”  As I sat here listening to the song over and over, I first nodded in validation we all need that kind of love, yet I’ve been fighting the oppressive sadness of feeling left out, unimportant, and insignificant.  My world has been feeling increasingly small and lonely until it finally takes too much effort to even say anything anymore.  Then as I continued to listen, I felt the tears streaming down my face at the comfort those lyrics were bringing, because no matter how I am struggling or how silent it feels, I am so grateful for the few people who show up every single day in my life with “ordinary love.”  They put legs on their intentions without prodding or having to ask for it. Then as I continued to hear those lyrics over and over, my heart began to be convicted about how important it is for me to just keep on walking where God has called me and to love people the way I always have…with all my heart…in the little ways that matter.

shutterstock_229454029When life gets so overwhelming and you can’t breathe, sometimes it is the smallest acts of grace and kindness that get you from one day to another or from one breath to the next.  Yes, there are things we must let go of to move on, and sometimes those things are deeply painful and even wounding to our hearts and spirits.  It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t let go of things, people or even our expectations; it just means it’s going to take some time to heal as a result of doing so.  We simply need to step back and listen to that still, small voice inside, and then walk on as peaceably as possible down the path ahead, even if the ground is stained with our tears as we move along.

If you are in a season of your life filled with feelings of isolation, insignificance discouragement or despair, you’re not alone.  Yes, it’s hard, and yes, it may be time for big changes within your heart that lead to changes elsewhere.  Just remember, that even as you are trudging through each step right now, be kind in your silence.  Be strong in your fatigue.  Be gentle in your frustration and disappointment, and choose to still fill the world around you with ordinary love.

Blessings!

Paradise Lost?

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shutterstock_732751837Have you ever walked through tough times in your life and come out on the other side, only to be plunged back into difficulties?  It’s one of the most discouraging things in life to think you have finally hit some smooth sailing and then your boat overturns again.  In my life, these times have rattled and shaken me to the core.  I have felt defeated, like the sun was never going to shine again, and have often felt like maybe God is mad at me for some reason to have allowed more trouble in my life.  Of course, there are all the cute quotes out there that remind us God is always good and is always working for our good.  Heck, I even believe that, but man, sometimes I don’t feel it.  I sit and wonder what God is up to and why there are times it feels like He yanks me out of a pleasant place only to drop me into a difficult, depressing or downright terrible place.  If I’m being totally honest, it makes me question His goodness and wonder why He doesn’t just put me (or others) in that pleasant place and let us stay there.  Sometimes it is life circumstances that just hit us, but sometimes God actually calls us out of the good places for a reason.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about a man named Lazarus.  Many of you may know of whom I am speaking, but let’s take a look at it for a moment. Lazarus was a dear friend of Jesus (and also the brother of Mary and Martha).  He became extremely ill, so Mary and Martha sent a message to Jesus telling Him, “Lord, the one you love is sick,” because they KNEW Jesus had the power to heal him.  It probably seemed like a no-brainer that Jesus would come and heal his friend, especially since the Bible tells us that Jesus not only loved Lazarus, but also loved Mary and Martha.  They were a dear family to Him, and you’d think He would immediately run to take care of it.  But He didn’t.  He told the messenger, “This sickness is not going to end in death.  No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  Then He stayed where He was for two more days before telling the disciples “let’s go back.”  When they asked why, Jesus told them that Lazarus was asleep and He was going to wake him up.  The disciples crack me up because they told Jesus that if Lazarus was sleeping, then he would get better.  As usual, they missed what He was saying, so Jesus had to clear it up by saying, “Lazarus is dead and for your sake I’m glad I wasn’t there, so that you may believe.  Let’s go.”  That sounds a little harsh, but Jesus also knew his disciples needed some strengthening of their own faith.

When Jesus got to where Lazarus lived, He found that he had already been in the tomb for four days!  Martha hears that Jesus is coming so she takes off to meet him.  She gets to Him and says, “If you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died!” I always feel like Martha was irritated or even scolding when she said it, like “you took too long and now look what happened!”   So Jesus tells her that her brother will live again, but Martha misunderstood and thought He was talking about the resurrection.  After a brief conversation, Martha goes to get Mary.

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When Mary reached Jesus, she fell at His feet in anguish, crying “Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died.” Same words, different emotion behind it.  The Bible says it was her anguish that deeply moved and troubled Jesus.   He asked where they had buried Lazarus, and then He began to cry.  Yes, He cried openly.  As a result, some people thought, “See how He loved him,” but others started to criticize.  They said, “He opened the eyes of the blind, couldn’t He have kept him from dying?”  What happens next is best read in the verses themselves (John 11:38-44)…

Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. “Take away the stone,” he said.  “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”  Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”  When He had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.  Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Most Christians use this account to share the incredible miracle of Lazarus being raised from the dead, and it IS miraculous.  We hear sermons about how God always shows up right on time, even when we think He is “four days late.”  We hear preachers and teachers talk about Jesus’ love for His friend and the emotion He showed in weeping openly over the situation.  Those are all great things to consider, but how often do we look at how Lazarus probably felt?  If I was Lazarus, I would have been ticked off!  Think about this for a moment:  Here’s a guy who had been really sick and was miserable.  He eventually succumbed to his illness and died, but in that moment, he was immediately in the presence of God.  He was in Paradise!  He has no more pain and doesn’t have to worry about anything anymore.  As a child of God, he is finally home.  I imagine him hanging out with Moses and Abraham, or maybe some of his loved ones who had already died.  What a great homecoming!  What a great time!  All the crap he had to endure on this earth was finally passed, and he could relax.  But then, from beyond the grave, a voice calls to him, “Lazarus, come forth.”  If I was Lazarus, I would be thinking, “Are you kidding me?  After everything I’ve been through, You are calling me BACK?!!  I’ve attained more than I could imagine and You are yanking me back into a world full of trouble, evil, pain and suffering.  Leave me here!”  We don’t know what actually went through Lazarus’ mind, but I think of how I would feel if it happened to me.

shutterstock_427738096There was certainly a bigger purpose for bringing Lazarus back than just relieving the grief of his family.  God used that event to show who He is and that He IS who He says He is.  He used it to show His power, but also his mercy and love.  Look, there was no denying the miraculous nature of what happened.  The Bible tells us that Lazarus was in the grave for four days already and that he stunk!  No one could deny he was dead – I mean “dead” dead!  There was no way to say what Jesus did was a parlor trick or anything else.   It was most definitely effective!  Not only that, but the disciples needed their faith strengthened, and Jesus knew that bringing Lazarus back would accomplish that.  But again, what about Lazarus?  What good did it do HIM to be brought back?  He lost all of the perfection of Heaven, AND he would have to go through an earthly death TWICE!  Is it just me, or does that seem mean to anyone else?  I’ve felt bad for him on that piece, because it really feels like he got the short end of that stick.  I think that’s why we don’t often talk about this piece of the story.  We don’t want to think that God would purposely bring us back from something amazing – or even perfect – just to drop us back into something where we are going to have to struggle.  We can say all day long that we’d be ok with it since it for His glory, but I really don’t think that’s how our hearts react when it happens.

So what was in it for Lazarus?  Think about it this way:

  • Lazarus got to see Heaven and knew exactly what it was like.
  • Knowing what was waiting in Heaven, and that death was not to be feared, would most likely have caused Lazarus to live with a boldness and courage he never had before or might not have had any other way.
  • He got to experience what the rest of us have to take on faith. He believed God, but he actually got see his faith realized with his own eyes, ears and hands.  That would definitely give you a new certainty most people don’t get.
  • He was free when he died and went to Heaven, but he was liberated when Jesus called him back to this world. One of the definitions of being liberated is “releasing someone from a state or situation that limits freedom of thought or behavior.”  By coming back after experiencing Heaven, Lazarus was liberated from fear and anxiety over death.  He was liberated from any doubt that God’s word was true.  He had seen it and it changed him.

So back to present day and all the troubles we endure in life.  I don’t have the big view that God does.  I know that His word tells me that “all things work together for good to them who love God and are the called according to His purpose” (Rom 8:28).  I know that God loves us and cares about everything we are going through.  When we cry, He cries (remember how He was moved by Mary’s grief).  He knows exactly where we are, all the time.  Jesus knew Lazarus was dead without anyone telling Him.  He told it to the disciples even though he had not received that message from anyone.  God knows what we’ve endured to get to those pleasant places in our lives – places HE has actually created.  So why call us back away from those places?  Because it can change us for the better if we let it.  It can liberate us if we look at things differently.

shutterstock_293580959When things are going well for me, I need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’m sure Lazarus wasn’t worrying about things on earth after he died.  He was simply enjoying being in Heaven.  I need to do the same thing in life’s pleasant places.  I need to just sit back and marvel at how true God’s word is, and that He has taken care of me just as He promised He would.  I need to just relax in that place and not worry about what else might or might not happen.  I’ll be honest, that is NOT a natural or easy thing for me to do, but it would be so much better for me.  When we worry about what might be coming next, we drain all the joy and peace out of the pleasant places in life.  When we do that, we wring the joy and confidence in God out of our lives as well.  Then we wonder why we are so stressed or why God feels so far away.

In those times when we are called out of the pleasant places back into difficulties, it’s so easy to be frustrated and even angry with our Heavenly Father.  We may say, “it’s ok because I know He is working this for His glory and my ultimate good,” but it often becomes just words.  It hurts to be pulled back from the pleasant places.  It hurts when we have to endure challenges after we think we’ve conquered them already.  It is frustrating and so often causes us to immediately lose sight of everything God has done for us or how He has, in the past, brought us through trouble TO the pleasant places. We need to learn to think differently about the challenges.  Rather than seeing them as a punishment or reprimand, we need to recognize that God needs people in this world who have seen first-hand what He can and will do.  He needs people who have unshakable confidence in our eternity so that we can live liberated lives here.  He needs people living courageous lives, in spite of their circumstances, because that kind of life touches and changes the lives of others.  Through that kind of life, we have opportunities to share what we have seen and know to be true about our God who loves us so much.

One last thought about this story:  Notice that Jesus called Lazarus by name.  He didn’t just come back to the grave and say, “come out.”  Do you know why?  Because if He had done that, everyone who was dead would have come out.  He specifically called to Lazarus because God does not operate in generalities.  He operates specifically, personally, on a one-to-one basis.  He has specific plans for each of us, and each of us has a different journey to walk. In spite of our different callings, God wants ALL of us to have peace, confidence and joy.

shutterstock_82458775So the next time I hear, “Deanna, come forth,” I’m going to take a quick look around before I leave the  amazing place in which I’m standing, and consider all He did to deliver me from trials in the past. By doing that, I can walk back into this flawed world with complete confidence and security in the truth of His word.  Only then can I live a liberated life, free of worry and fear in my circumstances, because I have seen His glory and His fulfilled promises first hand.  THAT knowledge and experience in the pleasant places is what will change the way I live in every place else.

Blessings!

Living in the Center of His Wheel

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shutterstock_164791247Many people of faith are familiar with the story of the potter and the clay found in the Bible (Jeremiah chapter 18).  We’ve heard the account of how the potter was working to create something, but the clay became marred.  Instead of thinking the clay was ruined or worthless, or instead of getting frustrated and giving up, the potter simply started over remaking the clay into a useful vessel.   Often this story is used as an example of how God never gives up on us, and that is a good and proper picture, but I was thinking about a more specific aspect of the work of the potter that stands out for me.  Pressure.

If you’ve ever worked with pottery (and I have), you understand that it takes complete and total focus.  You also understand that one of the most frustrating things is when the clay gets off-center and becomes out of balance.  You are going along, trying to create something beautiful, but the moment it is out of balance, everything starts falling apart.  Sometimes it happens so quickly, and you find yourself with nothing but a lump that is unrecognizable.  Or maybe as the wheel spins, you find a rock or some other hard substance that can’t just be worked around, and you have to stop everything to remove it and then start over from the beginning.  Either of these things can be disappointing or downright maddening because you only have two choices: 1) Get mad, give up and throw the clay away, or 2) form the clay back into a lump, put it back on the wheel and start over.

shutterstock_97981301It is interesting to consider the change in the amount of pressure a potter must use in order to make the clay into something recognizable, useful and beautiful.  In the beginning, even if the clay has been placed in the very center of the wheel, it starts to become out of balance when the spinning begins.  The potter uses water to make the clay easier to mold, then wraps his hands around it and puts strong pressure in a confined manner to guide it into balance.  A vessel cannot be created until the clay is balanced and centered, but once that happens, the true artwork begins.  Throughout the process, pressure is continually applied in one way or another or to one degree or another.  It is pressure that creates the beautiful intricacies or restores the balance.  But this one thing is for certain: the potter must keep working until the vessel is complete.  There is no stopping in the middle and coming back to it later.  It must either be completed or abandoned.  And the pressure, whether great or barely noticeable, is continually necessary because even with the most masterful artist, the clay can become out of balance at the slightest touch.  When that happens, he must stop creating and spend a little time applying just the right pressure in just the right way to bring everything back into balance.  The same is so true in our lives.

We all endure pressure in life.  It may come in the form of circumstances beyond our control or as a result of poor decisions we make, but it WILL come.  When we feel the pressure, our human nature causes us to become out of balance.  We worry and fret over what we should do.  We get angry over how we have been mistreated.  We get depressed over our lack of ability to change or fix something.  We spin and spin and eventually realize how out of balance we really are.  If only we would realize that God is the master potter and we really are the clay.  He isn’t some mean ogre who is trying to make things difficult for us or punish us.  He actually said He came so that we could have life abundantly!  This world is full of situations and circumstances that will wear us down if we focus on them, but God has promised over and over that if we will simply seek Him first, He will take care of everything else.  That doesn’t mean our lives will be free of trouble, but it means we have a loving Father who is masterfully, patiently and continually creating something amazing, no matter how many times He has to start over.

shutterstock_130134731Pressure in our lives never feels good.  We try to avoid it any time we can but maybe we just need to change the way we think about it.  When we start feeling pressure in our lives, it isn’t time for us to stiffen up and fight against it.  It’s time for us to relax into the potter’s hands and let Him use that pressure for our good.   The most difficult and challenging times for us may be exactly the pressure we need to restore our balance.  The bad decisions we may have made in our lives don’t render us useless or of no value.  Our circumstances don’t destroy us because the Potter has promised to never abandon us.  (“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Hebrews 13:5) He has also promised to finish what He starts!  (“He who began a good work in you is faithful and just to complete it.”  Philippians 1:6).

It is important for us to remember God doesn’t cause problems or imbalance in our lives; He simply applies loving pressure when necessary to RESTORE balance.  He continually has us in His loving hands, purposely working all things out for our ultimate good.  Whatever any of us are going through right now may not feel good.  The pressure may feel unbearable and no matter how we try, we can’t seem to find a way to make things work out. We spend our energy focusing on all that’s wrong or what we don’t have and then wonder why we are fatigued and depressed.  If only we could realize the only job of the clay is to be moldable. If only we were more willing to relax, the pressure wouldn’t seem so unbearable.  If only we would spend more of our time being grateful for the fact we are in our Father’s hands, and realize He is working to make our lives amazing and abundant, we would find it so much easier to breathe.   After all, being in the center of His will really means being in the center of His “wheel.”

And the sooner we soften under the Potter’s touch, the sooner our lives shift from becoming a work of restoration to becoming a work of art.

Blessings!

Are You Recovering or Relapsing?

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shutterstock_178294598Recently I was reminded of a statement I heard years ago: “If you’re not recovering, you are relapsing.”  Although this statement often applies to those who have had issues with addiction of some kind, whether drugs, alcohol, food or any other substance, I believe it also applies to many other things we struggle to change in our lives.  It might be relationships with other people.  It might be aspects of your spiritual walk or relationship with God.  Whatever it is, we can all relate to having things we want or need to change.

This summer, I will have been in “recovery” from an eating disorder for 25 years.  I say recovery because for the most part, I have been extremely successful.  That being said, there have also been relapses here and there along the way.  Even recently, it reared its ugly head and manifested itself in an entirely new way I would have never expected.  I was caught completely off guard, though it eventually started becoming clear what triggered the downward progression.  Like most people who don’t want to admit something has gotten the better of them – even if only momentarily – I initially denied, then rationalized my behavior.  “But I’m not doing it the same way most people do,” I said.  “I am in complete control and know full-well what the risks are.  I’m not stupid!”  I kept saying it to others, and to myself, but eventually it reached a point where I could no longer deny it and started making serious steps to get a handle on it once again.

shutterstock_65434666My experience with this made me think about all the other mindsets and ways of thinking we all have about things in our lives.  It might be an actual addiction to a substance or it might be an addiction to a particular behavior or routine.  Sometimes our addictions involve the old tapes playing in our heads that are easier to leave playing than to make an effort to turn them off.  We get used to the familiar even if we know it is bad for us.  We gravitate to old coping mechanisms and techniques even though we know the end result will actually make it more difficult for us to actually cope!

We all have these ways of thinking and if someone tries to tell you they have never been touched by “addiction,” they are lying.  It may not look like what many people think of when they hear that word, but an addiction is defined by Webster’s dictionary as “a strong and harmful need to regularly have something or do something.”   Maybe you overeat or under-eat because you are doing it out of emotion.  Maybe you constantly gravitate to people who do not treat you well because you’ve been convinced you don’t deserve anything better.   We spend money we don’t have or over commit to projects or people because it’s been beaten into our heads that saying “no” somehow makes us bad or selfish.  We go to church because someone told us that God will be mad at us if we don’t.  We wear elaborate masks because we think it’s easier than looking in the mirror and facing the truth.   We turn over a new leaf and make a commitment to ourselves (and even to those around us) that we are going to change but eventually find ourselves right back in the same boat again and again.

shutterstock_147867770We relapse!  Yes…I said “WE” relapse…all of us.  Sometimes we relapse because we are lazy.  Sometimes we relapse because we become too confident in ourselves or our abilities.  Sometimes we relapse simply because we are human.  We are imperfect people in an imperfect world.  That fact does NOT excuse us or our behaviors, but I have learned that it doesn’t do any good to beat ourselves up when we fail.  We have a God who loves us and forgives us completely when we simply ask.  Are there consequences of our behaviors?  Most certainly, but He has even promised to give us the grace and strength to endure the consequences as long as we lean on Him and trust Him to do so.  That is where our recovery begins.

Recovery is not easy…not from any behavior we seem to struggle with.  New habits are hard to form, and we are impatient creatures!  Recovery is sometimes very slow and methodical even though we want things to change right now!  Once we truly realize how warped our thinking or behavior is, we want it to be different but we don’t want to spend the time (and sometimes pain) it takes to get there.  Unfortunately things do not just happen on their own!  It takes effort.  It takes us being continually aware and making conscious choices to do things differently.  It is a life-long “recovery” process!

It’s been said that life is all about how we move forward.  I like to think of that a little differently.  I believe life is all about how we move forward AFTER we have fallen backwards.  If I am continually striving for perfection, I will continually be a failure in my own mind.  If I believe I am a failure when I stumble in life, then I will become fearful of getting back up.  And when I believe it is safer or easier to just stay where I am than to get up and risk falling at some point in the future, then I am choosing to become a slave to “relapse.”  I am choosing to give control of my future to the very things or people that want nothing more than to steal that future from me.  On the other hand, if I believe life is all about an ebb and flow, falling and soaring, then I know it is possible that success may lie in the very next step that I take forward.  That is what drives me on toward the next breath sometimes when I am struggling under the weight of my all-too-familiar weaknesses or faulty thinking.  Recovery is a choice.  It is believing that falling does not make me a failure and stumbling doesn’t mean I will never succeed in changing the things I want to change.  It isn’t about sitting on the shore to avoid being knocked down by the waves; it is about learning to recognize the tide so that when we lose our footing and fall down, we are not pulled into the depths of the sea.

shutterstock_155808656Relapse or recovery?  Whichever you find yourself in today, or at this time in your life, take heart in knowing you are not alone.  We are all moving one direction or the other when it comes to our “addictions.”  No matter how big or small the change you are trying to make may be, just remember this:  If you are not moving away from those negative things or behavior, then you are moving toward them.  The beautiful reality of it all is that every breath is a new beginning and every heartbeat is a chance to start again.  That is what life is all about.

Blessings!