Category Archives: Perspective

“I’m Sorry.”

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Today was one of those days when you just want to crawl into a hole and smack anyone who comes near you.  It started with a painful dentist appointment then continued into a very stressful day at work.  My frustration level reached a point where I found it hard to contain my urge to whine (even internally) about several things before the day was over.  I kept trying to see the positive but it just kept getting overshadowed by the negative.  It is unusual for me to fall into that kind of pit of self-pity, but I am human too.

shutterstock_143837407We all endure times when we feel like everything we touch is a problem or everyone that comes to us wants something.  They say confession is good for the soul so…here it goes.  Stick with me for a few moments, because I promise this is going somewhere.  Sometimes I get frustrated with people who take me or what I do for granted.  I get tired of people who slip into a place where they stop trying to do anything for themselves or figure things out on their own before asking me to solve their issues for them.  I get drained sometimes by people who think just because I’m nice or truly WANT to help them that it gives them license to continually load me up with stuff to do.  It hurts me when I work so hard to do things for others, professionally or personally, and after a while, it just becomes the status quo.  I don’t do things so that people will pat me on the back or say thank you, but once in a while it might be nice for someone to realize that it truly does take effort to pay attention to the needs of others and that once in a while, I need something too.  It hurts my feelings that people think it’s a compliment or a sign of gratitude if they don’t have something negative to say.  I realize it IS a good thing, but don’t think I feel happy because you didn’t tell me I was doing less than satisfactory work professionally or personally.  More than that, don’t think that your silence makes me think I’ve done anything right or good.  Sometimes I need to hear it too.  I’m not superhuman and I don’t know everything.  Just because I’m calm doesn’t mean I’m not at my breaking point.  Sometimes I’m calm so that you can feel more stable.  Sometimes I’m strong because you need me to be.   But sometimes I need you to stop what you’re doing for a few moments and see me.   Sometimes I need you to understand that just because I don’t complain doesn’t mean what I do is easy.

shutterstock_125574653Everything I just said is true.  I don’t often feel that way, and I certainly don’t normally say those things openly, but today I felt it was important.  A few days ago I posted about the gratitude meltdown I had a week ago…and today I somehow lost sight of it.  I let my circumstances get the best of me and crumbled a bit under the pressure of life.  I let my frustration show and even vented a little about certain things that were under my skin…and I am sorry.  Yes, I’m human, but I didn’t feel good about it when I was doing it and I certainly didn’t feel good afterward.  There was some measure of relief in saying some things out loud, but then I immediately felt guilty for doing so.  It isn’t wrong to feel what we feel in life; what’s important is how we respond to it.   I did not choose the best response – not outwardly or inwardly.  I gave up and was ready to quit everything.  What a shame.

So in this season of gratitude, I find myself feeling the need to say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for forgetting how much I am loved by people who never say it.  I’m sorry for not appreciating the fact I have a job when so many people in this country are struggling to find work.  I’m sorry for whining (even internally) about being taken for granted when I should be honored that people feel comfortable to come to me.  I’m sorry for not speaking up and being honest about the fact I need things too sometimes.  I’m sorry for taking my frustrations and making them someone else’s fault.  I’m sorry for not stepping back and taking a breath and reconnecting with the spiritual things that ground me when I start to lose perspective.  I’m sorry for not being grateful for the countless blessings in my life.  I’m sorry for considering walking away from several things just because I feel like it’s the only way to finally be heard.  I’m sorry…you deserve better.

It’s ok to be human and to realize we all stumble sometimes.   We can have a day (or even a moment) of great clarity and gratitude and then have it stripped away by letting circumstances hijack our peace and contentment.  It happens…but we don’t have to stay there.  We have a choice.  We can choose to take a breath and recenter.  It doesn’t mean the feelings will always go away but what we tell ourselves during these times can be so powerful.  It is important to hold on to the truth when your feelings are swirling around you.  Talk to yourself – yes, out loud if you have to – and remind yourself of the truth…even if you don’t feel like it.  It can transform you.

shutterstock_154748687I am grateful.  I am blessed beyond what I could ever deserve, and when I focus on that truth, it brings me to my knees.  And even when I feel as though I am leaking like a sieve, I have a spiritual Father who keeps pouring more and more blessings into my world.   It is not only enough, it is exceedingly abundantly above all I can ask or think…and I will continue to follow what I feel led to do, even if it means giving all to a world that is so willing to take.  It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world does because I’ve been given so much that I cannot help but give.  It is not up to me to decide who gets to take or the manner in which they take.  How I give is between me and God.  How it is taken is between others and God.  And the sooner that is burned into my heart, the less often I will have “one of those days.”

Blessings!

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of…UGH!

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Now that Halloween has come and gone for another year, I have to think about how much work goes into costumes and decorations for one day.  Yes, I know that every holiday is really just “one day,” but at least Thanksgiving and Christmas are more like seasons than days.

D pirateThis year, my work team and I decided we would be pirates for Halloween.  I work for an amazing company, owned by an amazing man who allows us to be freely festive and decorate everything we can find in the office.  Each area went all out and we had many visitors and trick-or-treaters who came to enjoy the atmosphere throughout the day.  But this year was different for me.  We started planning for Halloween in August.  We spent a lot of personal time, energy and even money on putting together realistic props and other things to make our area totally amazing…and it was!

The problem for me wasn’t that I felt others didn’t appreciate us for being in the spirit; it was how all the details of what we had accomplished went totally overlooked.  We crafted handmade dice, used real turkey drumsticks, turned our aisle into a wooden pier complete with pilings, made cargo crates and spent hours gluing gold coins to a tablecloth to create a treasure pile, etc.  I even brought items from home for my “captain’s quarters” that were old and valuable, including eyeglasses from the 1800s and some antique books worth several hundred dollars.  We had lights that made the walls look like water reflecting on them.  We had paid attention to every detail, but in the end, no one really noticed.  They enjoyed the theme but I think they would have been just as happy if we hadn’t gone to such great lengths.  It was disappointing and even discouraging.

As I reflected Halloween night on the disappointment I felt over such details going unnoticed, I was struck with the eerie similarity it all had to “real” life.   For those of us who pay attention to details, even the seemingly insignificant ones, it’s hard to understand how people can look at the same things we are looking at and not see the countless hours or huge amounts of energy and effort put into something we have either created or completed.  shutterstock_159315767We’ve all experienced great disappointment after having worked tirelessly on a project for work, home, church or some other organization, only to have others overlook the details that made it what it was.  Most people don’t see the details; they only see the overall picture.  For example, if you clean a spot on the carpet, no one really cares.  People don’t notice if it isn’t there, but they sure notice when it is!  One of the things Disneyland does so well is the details.  Every tiny detail is paid attention to so that the guest is immersed in an experience like no other.  Guests don’t notice the tiny details, but if they were missing, the experience would be lessened.  It is the details that create the experience, but it is the experience that stirs the soul.

The vision we have for our lives, or the things in it, is important, but that vision only comes to life when we spend the time and effort on the details.  It is the painstaking hours, days or even years we spend on the details of our lives that creates an overall experience that stirs the soul.  It is the thankless and overlooked work we do that creates an end product or result that is appreciated, even though there is no concept of the amount of blood, sweat and tears we may have put into it.

shutterstock_156549593People appreciate the scenes around them; few appreciate or even stop to consider all the “little” things that had to be taken care of for the scene to come to life.  These “scenes” might be something as major as creating or building something amazing or as routine as making dinner, but each requires “behind the scenes” work that, in most cases, will not be appreciated.  We must learn to find appreciation within ourselves for the hard work we do for others.  Sure, we can decide it’s not worth it and resign ourselves to just doing what is necessary to get by, but nothing can replace the sense of accomplishment we get from doing something well.  The harder you work on something, the greater the sense of accomplishment…and that is a feeling no one can take away from you.

We need to stop looking to outside sources to appreciate all the little things we do.  We need to stop waiting for others to say “good job” when we already know in our hearts we did a good job.  We need to stop pinning our feelings of success on the opinions of those around us and start understanding that true success comes from within.  Taking care of the details to ensure an amazing experience, is not something we do for others; it is something we do for ourselves.

shutterstock_73650523 (1)And the next time you find yourself enjoying a “scene” or person around you, maybe you should stop and look at little closer at all the intricate details that made it possible.  You might be surprised to find that what is under the surface is far greater than anything that meets the eye.

Blessings!

When the Words Won’t Come

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I sat down several times to write a post over the past week and the words just wouldn’t come.  I thought I would have time to reflect and share things with you over the weekend but that still didn’t bring the words I sought.

lightning sky2Sometimes we have those days or weeks (or even longer) when we want so badly to express ourselves but cannot find the words to do so.  We are faced with so many different situations and emotions that our spirit seems to swirl like a massive cyclone in which we can only catch glimpses of things as they fly past.  I have longed for the eye of the storm over the past few days but instead found the cyclone swirling even faster.  It certainly makes it difficult to find words when you can’t even find footing.

It is hard to explain the sensation of feeling alone in the midst of people or trying to let go of the pains we don’t understand.  It actually hurts to not be able to find the words to express the depth of our emotions…but what hurts more is to actually have the words and not be able to say them out loud.  I think that is one of the greatest pains of all.  Those situations bring a unique kind of pain…a hurt on top of hurt…a loneliness wrapped in isolation.

 

shutterstock_150535259It is not wise to say everything you think, believe or observe, but to feel censored because of the fear of confrontation or being belittled can be challenging.  Bullies don’t always use something tangible to attack others, but the injuries are just as deep.  Whether real or perceived, these things cause us to “clam up” and curl up into the corners of our soul where words are hard to find.  I have found it impossible to try and force words to the surface when the surface is not within reach, and I have found it too painful to reach down into the depths and grab them.

Personally, I struggle to understand why some people think or do the things they think or do.  I struggle to understand why some people seem to thrive on controversy, contention or confrontation.  I struggle to understand why it hurts so much to not understand.  I struggle just like the rest of you with these things and maybe there is comfort in that fact.  Maybe it is our collective struggle to live in peace that binds some of us together.  And maybe…just maybe that makes a difference.

Since hurt is made bearable by the salve of love, I pray we all feel that love in a way that binds our wounds and helps us heal…

even when there are no words.shutterstock_154402385

Blessings!

Are You Graduating or Are You Commencing?

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shutterstock_125333273Today marks the beginning of June and a time when many schools will be holding their annual graduation/commencement ceremonies.  People get together to celebrate the accomplishments of their loved ones and bestow their well-wishes for the future.  We take time to reflect on the journey to this point and even if it was long and filled with set-backs, everything seems to fall away in the light of achievement.  Pictures flood social media sites because we want to share these times with our friends and family whether they are our personal events or those of the significant other people in our lives.

So what does it mean to graduate?  The word graduate is defined as “to divide into marked intervals, especially in use for measurement.”  Think about that for a moment.  Graduating is about recognizing and marking a specific period of time in our lives.  It could be applied to not only academics but jobs, relationships, recoveries, rehabilitations or any other aspect of life.  It is a time when we look back at where we have been and what we have come through, whether good or bad.  It is a time to recognize and celebrate our accomplishments.  It is a time we can feel proud of what we have done and no one thinks poorly of us for doing so.  It is about finishing a period of time on our journey no matter if that period has been something positive (like academics) or seemingly negative (like dealing with loss or recovery).  It is still a beautiful moment in our lives.  Regardless of where we have been, graduation allows us to “mark” our life’s timeline at the point something has ended. 

shutterstock_128054627Most people talk about times of graduation from school but have you ever looked at an actual printed graduation announcement?  Most of them still announce the event as a “commencement” ceremony.  Don’t miss the significance of this word or why it is used!  The word commence is defined as “to enter upon or have a beginning or start.”  Commencing is much different than graduating.  Graduating is about marking the end of a time period in our lives but commencing is about BEGINNING a new one.    Commencement is about recognizing the significance of the start of a new phase in life.  It signifies the beginning of our extended education or our professional path.  It represents the beginning of our commitment to our recovery.  It marks the start of our marriages or the arrival of our children. Commencing fills our lives with newness and freshness..  It is a re-birth of our path as well as our focus!  As we look forward and celebrate the opportunities ahead, it is a renewal of our hope for a better tomorrow and a gratitude for today.

shutterstock_134516501Here’s the beauty of both graduating and commencing:  both perspectives are beautiful and appropriate!  Life can sometimes become so difficult when we are in the midst of challenging circumstances.  We get worn out.  We fall down and feel like never getting back up.  Our energy and strength drains from us and it seems as though we will never get through our struggles but eventually we make reach the other side.  One of my favorite phrases used over and over in the bible is, “It came to pass.”  No matter the situation in which you find yourself, it will come to pass.  It is also important to recognize that sometimes we find ourselves in wonderful places from which we do not want to graduate or commence.  Sometimes life is rolling along smoothly and we have great joy and peace.  Naturally we do not want these periods of time to end.  We don’t want to mark the end of something that makes us feel good or brings us joy.  We don’t want to lose a loved one or have our own health fail.  We don’t want to lose a job we enjoy or have to move from a place we love.  We don’t want to think about “graduating” from something positive to something more difficult or painful.  We don’t want to consider “commencing” something new that might be more challenging for us. 

The reality is that time will continue to move on at a steady pace no matter how we may try to speed it up or slow it down.  Sometimes we soar through life and other times it drags us along behind it!  Time does not stop for us but thankfully we have markers to note significant points along our way.  We graduate.  We commence.  We pause to notice and commemorate chapters of our life.  It is a natural part of our journey to recognize our endings and beginnings and when we take time to reflect on where we have traveled over the many years, the markers of our lives bring color to the tapestry of our existence.

shutterstock_126623258So for all the academic graduates and “commencers” out there, I applaud your efforts in completing your degree!”  For the rest of you, always remember this:  Every day is a graduation and every moment is a commencement.  Each breath you take is a reminder of how different your life can be so take a deep breath.  Exhale the past and inhale the future.  There is always a reason to celebrate!

Blessings!

When The Answer Is “No”

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shutterstock_93898726Life is full of desires.  We are all faced with decisions regarding the things we want.  We pray for things – even noble things – and sometimes the answer is “yes” and we are thrilled at the result.  Sometimes the answer is “wait” and we struggle with the period of time between what we want and the fulfillment of that desire.  Waiting is never easy.  Then there are times the answer is “no” and we are disappointed and even discouraged.  “No” is an answer we rarely want to hear.

I recently experienced a huge “NO” in my life.  My husband and I always wanted to have children but from the beginning of our relationship we knew we would be unable to have them biologically.  We researched infertility treatments but believed it was not the path we were to pursue so it left us with adoption.  We researched and dabbled in the adoption world but realized we weren’t wired to deal with the many issues that came with it.  We tried to accept the fact that being full-time parents was not part of the perfect plan for our lives and thought we had moved on.  Over the past ten years or so, there have been several occasions where we thought we were going to be able to adopt a child through situations close to home but every one seemed to fall through for one reason or another.  It was devastating each time and we swore we would not open our hearts again.  shutterstock_46364836Then recently the subject again surfaced when we found there was a situation where a very young child would need a home.  For almost two weeks we prayed and struggled with what we were supposed to do.  It was a grueling and gut-wrenching time but we eventually had total clarity on the answer….and it was “No.”  It wasn’t just “no” to this situation but “no” to whether or not we are to be full-time parents.  It doesn’t mean we won’t take full advantage of the opportunities to still affect the lives of children as God weaves them in and out of our lives; It simply means we have finally accepted the path we are meant be on.   I would be lying if I told you we are entirely happy with the answer.  We have complete and TOTAL peace with the fact we know what the answer is.  We have not yet reached the place of total peace with the answer itself because it did not coincide with our desires, but that will come in time.

Having peace when the answer is “no” is not always easy.  In our humanity, we often question why.  We get confused.  We get discouraged and depressed.  We get angry.  We struggle to let go of whatever it was we desired because somehow we think we know what is better for us than the One who created us!  It isn’t wrong to want things and it isn’t wrong to pursue them with all your heart and energy.  But when you come to the place where you have clarity in the finality of an answer, the best reaction is to be thankful for that clarity, regardless of the answer.  “Yes” is sometimes just as difficult and scary to accept as “No.”  shutterstock_57821509The best place we can ever be with the decisions in our lives is to have CLARITY!  The problem most of us have is that when the clarity conflicts with what we want, we begin trying to find ways to make what we want fit the clarity.  We search for another angle or another facet that we can use to rationalize going in a direction opposite of the answer instead of accepting it.  As a result, we end up with only more confusion in our lives and then wonder why God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers when the reality is – we aren’t listening to the answers!

So for today, I am thankful.  I am thankful for clarity and yes, I am even thankful for the many times the answer has been “No.”  You see, when the answer is “no” to one thing, it simply means God has something even more amazing in store for us.  The pain of “no” heals in time and it is replaced with a joy and peace that truly does “pass all understanding.”  And when that time arrives, we can look back and see just how perfectly everything was worked out ultimately for our good.

Blessings!