Christmas is upon us, and here I am sitting on the floor, late at night, with only the glow of the Christmas tree lights and the screen of my laptop illuminating the room. It is quiet in my home, yet somehow music keeps rolling through my head. It isn’t a song of the season, but rather the melodic cadence of a lifetime. Maybe it’s the glow of the trees, or the silence around me, but moments like this have a way of pulling my gaze away from the noise and pace of everyday life and bringing my focus back to what really matters.
As we continue through a season that is supposed to be filled with joy and love, I look around and see stress and frustration on the faces of people around me. Drivers are out of control with anger; shoppers are pushing and shoving each other; some people are going into debt trying to meet their (or others’) expectations of gift-giving. There are also some who are living with great losses and challenges that cause all the standard holiday activities to simply disappear into the background. In a season that is so often labeled as “magical,” it becomes easy to feel everything but a sense of wonder. Busyness and activity has a way of doing that before we even realize it.
I had a hard time this year thinking of things to put on my wish list for Christmas. I honestly couldn’t think of a single thing for which I had a great desire. It’s not that I have everything I want materially; it’s just that I found myself incredibly content for the first time in a long time. Somehow in the midst of my incredibly difficult and distressing year filled with loss and change, I realized what I valued had shifted. It was only when I sat staring at an empty Christmas list that I even recognized it.
It’s so easy to spend our lives focusing on what we don’t have or what we’ve lost. This year my husband’s parents passed away just five days apart, and my own dad’s dementia escalated to the point where he had to move into a memory care community. It was devastating for us all, and my mom had to sell their house to ensure dad could stay in his new community as long as possible, as most memory care facilities aren’t covered by insurance (don’t get me started on that). Mom moved in with me and my husband, and we’ve been adjusting to our new rhythm as best we can. Loss after loss, grief after grief with no end in sight. Have you just ever had that kind of year? If so, then you understand how quickly our perspective changes. All we see is loss, because loss is all that is visible to us. Everywhere we look there is more grief and pain, more difficult circumstances, and more that is slipping (or has slipped) between our fingers. It is a natural reaction, but it doesn’t remove the negative effect it can have on our lives.
Dementia has a way of turning everything upside down. One of the things I love about Teepa Snow, and her organization (www.teepasnow.com ), is that she continually stresses the importance of looking at what someone still has, instead of what they’ve lost. Build and foster your relationship based on things they are still able to do instead of what you wish they could still do. When you focus on the abilities someone still possesses, it frees you from the stress that comes from your skewed expectations. You can expect all day long that your loved one with dementia still has the abilities they’ve always had, but you will just be frustrated and your relationship with that person will suffer. It’s about living in the moment, taking them where they are and creating beautiful experiences for you both. I can’t help but think how that concept applies in so many other ways in life. When we try to build or foster relationships while continually focusing on what the other person has lost or is lacking, we are setting ourselves up for frustration and disappointment. We will never be satisfied, because we will always be seeing the holes instead of the substance. We keep trying to work with what isn’t there instead of what is. What a frustrating endeavor, and even more so when the relationship we are struggling with is the one with ourselves. It is impossible to build or maintain that internal relationship when we see nothing but what we’ve lost or can’t do anymore. We can’t build a relationship with ourselves with that perspective, because it will always be skewed and will never be fulfilling. From a spiritual standpoint, it becomes so easy to start blaming God when things haven’t gone right in our world, or at least what we think is “right,” and then our relationship with Him suffers also. It’s a slippery slope for sure.
So many people talk about the art of letting go, and there is definitely something incredible about releasing things that hold you back. But what about the art of holding on? We spend a lot of time trying to identify our obstacles instead of our strengths. We focus on what we need to purge from our lives instead of what we already have that needs to be fostered. I remember a comedian once said about the Bible, “Everyone thinks the Bible is a book of don’ts, but it’s really a book of do-s. And if we’d spend our time doing the do-s, we wouldn’t have time to do the don’ts.” I heard that over 30 years ago, and it still sticks with me today just as strongly, because it also applies to how we look at ourselves and others. If we would spend our time fostering (or appreciating) what we already have, it doesn’t leave much time or energy to focus on what we are lacking in skills, abilities, or even material possessions. Ask yourself these questions: What do I have to work with? Do I have a special ability or skill? Am I good at something? What are those things? If you ask people to name something they are good at, many (if not most) of them will say they don’t know. Why? Because we don’t stop to look at what we have; we look at what we don’t. We see what we wish we were, wish we had, or wish we could do. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t strive to be better people, become more skilled, get an education or go after something new. And I’m certainly not saying you can’t change. This year has been full of huge changes for me internally, and believe me, it is always possible to change. It’s possible to be freed from things that chained you in the past, but you also need to focus on what you already possess. Search your heart deeply for a moment, you know what they are. They are those things you have forgotten as the cares of this world continually try to distract you from seeing your gifts.
Dealing with someone who has dementia has brought so many lessons for dealing with life in general. When someone has dementia, you have to meet them where they are in order to develop and maintain a relationship with them. My dad isn’t who he used to be, and yet he is still exactly who he always was. I just have to find those things that he can still do and live in that place with him. This relationship is not exactly as I wished or hoped it would be at this stage in both our lives, but it can still be something amazing. Embracing, celebrating and being thankful for all he can still do, allows me to be open to riding this roller coaster with him instead of watching him ride alone. It allows me to live life with him now, in this moment, instead of continually seeing nothing but what has faded into the fabric of our journey. If we want to fully live, we must live in the NOW.
Work with what you have. Meet people where they are. Meet YOURSELF where you are. There are so many other abilities you may have, but those are above and beyond the fact you have been gifted with life itself. Even the ability to breathe and communicate are gifts. Trust me, you can always do something and then work from there. If you will start seeing and nurturing what you already have, you’ll be amazed at what else will suddenly appear. When you are willing to meet a dementia patient where they are, and work with what they have, it’s AMAZING how that tightly closed shell opens up to reveal the pearls within. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. If we could just do that with ourselves, what greatness might we unlock? What goals might we achieve? What dreams might come true if we will just stop jumping ahead (or backwards) and look at what we’ve lost and simply develop what we still have?
So as we celebrate this Christmas that is upon us, let us first remember the greatest gift God gave us by coming to earth to sacrifice Himself so we can have eternal life. But let us also remember He didn’t have much from a material standpoint, but He always worked with what He had. When He called others to join Him, He worked with what they had and compelled them to do the same. Let us celebrate not just the life of Christ, but the life He wants for each of us. He’s gifted every single one of us with abilities, even when we feel we don’t have anything on which we can build. Stop for a moment. Look within and stop focusing on what you’ve lost or wish you had. Look deeply and start recognizing all you still have, every single thing you have or are able to do is a gift. No matter your circumstances or what you might see as your deficiencies, you have way more “gifts” than you can imagine.
To quote the Grinch, “Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”
Merry Christmas and may you all be blessed with moments in which to live a lifetime!
Gifts. It’s always a big topic of every holiday season. We might be busy trying to buy things from a “wish list” of someone we know, or maybe we are thinking about what we ourselves might receive for Christmas. But here’s a question: Have you ever received an amazing gift you didn’t even know you wanted or would have ever imagined? Unexpected gifts often bring unexpected blessings, and yet when it comes to circumstances in our lives, we don’t seem to have that reaction.
We want things to be good, prosperous, and somewhat easy, but we certainly don’t want and wouldn’t choose for ourselves things like pain, grief, loss, betrayal or being dismissed. When we endure those things, it’s hard to see them as gifts. Over the past year, I have been given many of those so-called “gifts,” and if I am being honest, I wasn’t too happy about it. I have complained, been discouraged and even distraught at times. I’ve definitely had moments of feeling like God is a grinch and that He just seems to want to take away everything good from us. That being said, I have also learned that sometimes when we lose things or go through difficult times, it really does start to change our perspective. It enables us, if we allow God to work, to see things differently. It allows us to grow, and that is a gift. I would dare say it is one of His greatest gifts to us – presenting us with situations that challenge us and force us to re-examine our lives, faith and service to Him and to others in whatever place we find ourselves. Sometimes He allows things to happen that force us to reach out to others, and in doing so we often find incredible people and incredible perspective. When we open ourselves up to what God is doing rather than trying to explain it, we find love, compassion, care, and genuine concern. We find His word speaking to us through channels we wouldn’t have previously considered, and all of these things we find coming from a source that we don’t expect. When we stand back and truly see the goodness of God and His mercy in allowing difficult circumstances into our lives, we can become thankful for it. It’s truly difficult for us to embrace our challenges, disappointments and discouragements or the people or things that cause them, but they truly are for our good.
We have a good Father who loves us and wants the best for us always. He has an amazing plan for our lives that includes our places of service. He knows what’s coming, and while we are freaking out trying to see ahead, He is standing there patting us on the shoulder whispering, “I am the one who goes before you. I’ll be with you, so don’t be afraid or dismayed. I’ll never leave you or forsake you.” (Deut. 31:8) He knows that no matter what we are going through, that there is a PLAN! Let that sink in for a moment. I’ve been talking about “unexpected gifts” but they are only unexpected to us and not to God! He is not only aware of what is happening, but He is working through all of it to bring us to the most amazing places in this life. Remember, we see the messy threads underneath the tapestry that look jumbled and ugly, but when you flip it over, you see the beautiful image and artwork that God saw (and designed) all along.
So as we approach this season of celebration, I am thankful for unexpected gifts and unexpected paths. I am grateful that God doesn’t just know exactly what we need, but also knows the desires of our hearts that we ourselves haven’t even realized! I am thankful that He continually works in our lives so that we can change our perspective and come into alignment with HIS heart. When we trust that He is good and is always working ALL things for our good, then we begin to desire what He desires. We want what He wants instead of depending on our understanding of what is “good.” Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” He can do that because when we delight in HIS will and HIS plans, then it’s easy to give us the desires of our hearts because they are the same as His.
In life, all of us tend to measure ourselves by how we compare with the other people in our lives. Do we have as much as they have? Do we look as good as they look? Are we as successful as they are? We do a lot of comparing and although it can spur us to make positive changes in our lives, it more often makes us just feel worse about our circumstances. The truth is if we never saw or knew what someone else has or did, we’d be much happier with what WE have. Right now I wish I could remember that truth more strongly than I do.
It is an interesting thing to consider that when we actually look at someone who is less fortunate than we are, we suddenly feel better about our own situation. For example, when you pass a homeless person shivering in the night, or drive through a run-down and even dangerous area of town, it puts things in perspective. We find ourselves suddenly grateful that we have a roof over our heads, a warm bed in which to sleep, clothes to wear and food on the table. But you see, normally we aren’t taking time to consider those who have less than us. We only consider and look at people who have more. When you pay attention only on those who have more or are getting the things you want (or have even prayed for) it can be tough to swallow. And if you believe God is in control, it can be even worse because it can sometimes lead to you feeling like God is mad at you or somehow he doesn’t see or maybe he just doesn’t care. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If that’s true, then what’s the problem?
Grace is getting what we don’t deserve, and mercy is NOT getting what we DO deserve. For example, even though I’m saved, I still sin. I don’t deserve for God to forgive me time and time again for doing or thinking the same thing, and yet he has promised to forgive us EVERY time we ask and wipe the slate clean so He can bless us. That is grace – I don’t deserve it but He blesses me anyway. On the flip side, I deserve to have to feel miserable and condemned because of the things I think or do, yet God promises to not only forgive us but to forget it completely and then helps us move forward and live abundantly with all kinds of blessings. More practically speaking, it could also look something like this:
When we look at someone who gets something we think they did NOT deserve, it makes us angry or jealous. We just can’t figure out why God would do that. After all, why wouldn’t God punish them instead of allowing good things in their lives? I must confess I have a big “justice gene” in me, and it’s hard for me to watch people do wrong (or not do right) and just keep landing on their feet. We’ve all watched people who have made terrible decisions in their lives and still keep coming out on top. That’s a hard thing to witness when you spend your life truly trying to do the right things and somehow keep coming out on the bottom. It can be a very difficult thing to handle.
We sit back and start thinking about all the effort we’ve put in, maybe even the persecution we’ve endured in life for living right, and start feeling slighted that God doesn’t give us more! Once we get into that cycle, we become ungrateful and resentful not only of what others have, but of the fact that God now seems so unfair. Sometimes it shakes our faith to the point that we start considering becoming selfish and living however we want, because in our minds, obviously that’s what pays off. We feel we have a right to complain about it, just like those 6:00 a.m. workers did, and God’s answer is the same as the owner of that vineyard: “I am not being unfair to you, friend…Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?” The truth is, we are envious because He is generous, and the entire problem begins when we start looking around and comparing what we have to what others have.
So today, I will look to Him and His faithfulness to me instead of looking at the possessions, successes or blessings of anyone else. Will I stay in this place? Unfortunately not, but through the beauty of God’s grace and mercy, I can return to it with a simple refocusing and the promise of His forgiveness whenever I ask…no matter how many times it takes.
The Cadence of My Soul 