Although I might be dating myself with that song-cue of a title, I want to share something very important with you about an issue that is affecting more and more of us, an issue that is leaving families hurt, lost and confused about what to do or where to turn. This issue is the condition called Dementia, and it not only affects older people but people of all ages. They are even finding new strains appearing in young children. I know this is a bit of a departure from my normal posts, but it is one to which many of you can relate.
Dementia, in any form it manifests, is devastating. I know first-hand, because my dad, who is the most brilliant man I ever knew, has now been walking this journey for a number of years. As a result, so have the rest of us. This disease doesn’t just affect the patient; it sinks its teeth into every relationship surrounding them and wreaks havoc in the lives of everyone who loves them. If you had told me it was possible for my dad to struggle like I’ve seen him do in recent years, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. Yet, here we are. Some days it’s yesterday all over again, and other days it’s a brand new world.
Anyone who has been affected in one way or another by the devastating aspects of any form of dementia – either as patient or care partner- can relate to the myriad of challenges, frustrations and griefs that become a part of every day life. I heard others talk about having a loved one with dementia, and my heart always went out to them, but the truth is that I had no clue about the depth of what they were walking through. That all changed when this disease hit my own family.
Dementia is an umbrella term, under which fall a large number of different types of the disease. Alzheimer’s, for example, is simply the most common type of dementia, but there is Lewy Body, Frontotemporal, Vascular Dementia, and a host of others. Dementia is not a memory problem; it is brain failure. Just like any other organ can fail, the brain can experience failure. Where that failure first manifests itself will determine the functions that are the first to begin diminishing. My dad did not start out with memory problems. You could ask him about things and talk with him, never knowing there was a problem at all. We did however start to notice he was starting to struggle with problem solving, or things involving processes or sequencing. We saw the signs but never recognized them. We just blamed it on not knowing technology or being tired and stressed. Because he didn’t have any trouble with remembering people, events, stories or anything else, it never occurred to us in the beginning that he might have an actual issue going on. We were wrong.
It wasn’t until things really got noticeable with Dad that I began researching dementia and what to do. By God’s grace, I stumbled upon a 3-minute video of a woman named Teepa Snow, and I was captivated. (Here is the video that started it all: Teepa – Communicating with a person with Dementia ) Immediately I knew I was in over my head, but I also felt a huge relief that someone could make aspects of this disease so easy to understand, (and with a great sense of humor to boot). I immersed myself in her videos and website (www.teepasnow.com). I took webinars and attended a wonderful Care Partner Series that was a cross between a class and a support group…twice! Teepa, and the way she imparts coping mechanisms and techniques in how to walk this journey, absolutely changed the trajectory of ours. Did it stop the disease? Nope. Did it change the grief and constant changes that come with brain failure? Nope. What it DID change, was greatly reducing the feeling of isolation that comes when your world shrinks as you care for a loved one with this disease. What it changed was how we viewed this disease. It provided ways for those of us who love Dad, to offer support for him, and each other, in ways we wouldn’t have known otherwise.
As of right now, there has not been a single survivor of this disease. Let that sink in for a moment. We have found ways to mitigate some of the effects of it, but it still remains a 100% fatal condition. That may sound harsh, but it is the reality. There is no currently no cure. We have done a great job in this country highlighting all kinds of diseases and raising money for research, but this disease falls through the cracks sometimes. Maybe it’s because it is often a private battle that still contains a stigma that causes people to be afraid to discuss it openly. Maybe it’s because people who would normally be out there raising money for the cause are far too busy just trying to survive from day to day as they care for their loved ones. Whatever the reason, we need to get busy doing all we can to raise money for research, while raising awareness and educating others, so that we can reduce the stigma associated with this disease.
My Dad is still the most brilliant man I know, and every so often I get a glimpse of that same man during a visit or conversation with him. Underneath the looping conversations or behavior is still an amazing, loving, funny, demanding, professional and successful man; it just takes a little more to see past the surface now. Most people who encounter those with brain failure seem to focus so much on what the person has lost in functionality, but I agree with Teepa that we need to be focusing on what someone can still do! When we focus on the skills and abilities that remain in a dementia patient, we are able to bring out the person they’ve always been. Unfortunately, that also means letting go of what we expected or how we think things should be, and embrace what is right in front of us. Now that I think about it, that’s not a bad way to live our lives anyway.
Blessings!
NOTE: I will be participating in the “Walk To End Alzheimer’s” on October 12, 2019 in our local community. I have never been one to ask for financial support for a cause, but this one is near and dear to my heart, as it is may of yours as well. If you can make a donation to join the fight for Alzheimer’s first survivor, it would be so appreciated. It doesn’t matter if it is one dollar, it absolutely makes a difference! Thank you!
We all have reasons and circumstances in life that cause us to retreat. It doesn’t matter the source, because the reactions are much the same. For me, it has been several years (especially the past year) of dealing with a loved one who has Dementia and struggling to leave a church I’d been part of for over 20 years. Then my husband’s parents died just four days apart. Within a matter of weeks, things substantially declined with my dad and he ended up moving into a memory care facility which resulted in my mom (whom I love beyond words) moving in with my husband and me. To say it has made my heart wander and wonder would be an understatement, yet here I am doing it more than I could have ever dreamed.
THAT is something with which many of us are not comfortable. Stepping out of what we want into the reality that exists means we have to let go, give up, and be willing to experience the loss and grief that comes with doing so. Peace doesn’t come easy in these kinds of seasons in life. When you are between a rock and a hard place, even if only by perception, it is painful no matter which way you turn. But it’s also in that terribly lonely place that you are forced to look at what you are willing to do to be free.
When life gets so overwhelming and you can’t breathe, sometimes it is the smallest acts of grace and kindness that get you from one day to another or from one breath to the next. Yes, there are things we must let go of to move on, and sometimes those things are deeply painful and even wounding to our hearts and spirits. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t let go of things, people or even our expectations; it just means it’s going to take some time to heal as a result of doing so. We simply need to step back and listen to that still, small voice inside, and then walk on as peaceably as possible down the path ahead, even if the ground is stained with our tears as we move along.
Mother’s Day is once again upon us, and with it comes all sorts of emotions for all kinds of people. Some are celebrating their wonderful moms, while others are mourning the loss of their mother, and still others may be cringing at the memory of a mother who wasn’t there for them. Some women are relishing their own role as a mother, while others are just trying to make it through a day that reminds them only of the void that comes with never having been able to have children of their own, or worse, having lost one to miscarriages or other tragedies. My point is this day can be beautiful and wonderful, or it could bring heartache and pain, and no matter where you or I fall on that spectrum, we all have to walk through this day somehow.
This year, in spite of all of life’s challenges and the complications that can come with this day for so many women (and men), there is something different on my heart and mind. This year, I am thanking God not only for my own godly mother who raised me in deep love and faith, or the children in my life that I’ve had the opportunity to influence in one way or another, but I am also thanking God for the three children my husband and I sponsor through Compassion International. It’s been a number of years now, and although it took a while to become comfortable with our communications back and forth, we have settled into beautiful relationships with three children who live across the world from us. We have watched them grow, and have been blessed to be able to support, encourage and be connected to these kids and their families, and I am unspeakably grateful as I reflect on it today.
When you consider what it truly means to “mother” another human being, you are able to step back and see a broader group of women than you might have before. All the characteristics, traits and actions that make a woman a true mother, are the same ones that make us all mothers to the world around us. I’m not discounting mothers in any way, in fact, I am doing the exact opposite. I am elevating the aspects of mothers that we all celebrate on this day each year. We celebrate the love and care. We celebrate the sacrifices. We celebrate these amazing women who took their jobs seriously and refused to give up even when their children may have disappointed them or caused them pain. These are the things we celebrate, and as people of faith, THIS is how we are supposed to love the world!
So on this Mother’s Day, by all means, honor your mother and the other women in your lives that are worthy of that honor. Thank God for all the women who mothered you throughout the course of your life. Honor them by doing the same for others around you. Don’t reserve your nurturing just for your children, but also for those children without mothers, and for adults who are wounded and hurting. Over and over again, Jesus tells us to love one another. He tells us that everyone is our neighbor (Luke 10:25-37). He tells us to go the extra mile when we don’t have to do so (Matt 5:41). He tells us to love our enemies (Matt 4:43-48). Jesus made it perfectly clear that we are commanded to love! He told us,“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”(John 13:34-35)
It all started when someone, who knows what I’ve been going through in recent months, unexpectedly came to me and said she had been reading a devotional and a verse jumped out at her that she felt needed to be shared with me. The verse was John 16:33 where Jesus said, “I’ve told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world.” As a result, this friend made me a pendant on which she stamped “John 16:33.” Because I was so touched by the gesture, I read that verse over and over. It is a familiar verse, but all my life, I’ve focused on the last part of it, the part where Jesus says we will have trouble but that He has overcome it. THIS time, I couldn’t get past the first comment, “I’ve told you these things so that in me you may have peace.” I just kept thinking about the fact that Jesus thought it was so important to remind His followers of why He had continually shared all He did with them. It’s like He was saying to ME, “Look, there’s a reason I’ve told you all I have about life, it’s troubles and how to navigate it.” That thought pushed the chain reaction into full swing, because it prompted me to pick up my Bible so I could remember the things He had “told me” in His word. This time though, instead of turning to the many familiar passages of encouragement and promises, I returned to something I hadn’t finished reading almost three months ago – Genesis chapter 4, the story of Cain and Abel.
So what was this epiphany I had when I read the verses telling the story of Cain and Abel? Well, I used to think of Cain as just a terrible person, an evil man who got jealous of his brother and killed him in cold blood. Not only that, but then he had the audacity to make a smart-a** comment to God Himself (Gen 4:9)! I’m not excusing anything Cain did, but I want to share a different perspective. Here were two brothers, one was a shepherd and the other was a farmer. When it came time to give an offering to God, it was supposed to be a sacrificial lamb. So, Abel provided an offering according to what God had requested, but Cain decided he would give something different. Cain decided it would be better if he sacrificed the best that HE had to God. It’s most likely that his intent was honorable, and that he thought surely it would touch God more if he sacrificed the best of his crops instead of asking his brother for a lamb to sacrifice, while giving up nothing himself. It wasn’t that he was being a disobedient jerk, but rather that he felt like God would be more pleased if he gave Him the absolute best of all he had. He was trying to honor God his way instead of simply doing what God asked. Unfortunately, he was wrong, and when God accepted Abel’s offering, but had no regard for Cain’s, it made him angry, depressed and dejected. Wouldn’t YOU be?
Ok, so back to Cain… In my memory of this story, I somehow forgot that God actually talked to him twice, the first was BEFORE he killed his brother. Gen 4:6-7: “Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” God loved Cain and knew he was upset, so He took a moment to remind him of something really important: We have an enemy and it isn’t our families, friends, coworkers, church members or anyone else; it is something bigger. Ephesians 6:12 tells us that we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the power of darkness. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us to be alert and sober-minded because our enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Cain’s emotions got the best of him and God knew it, so He basically said, “Look, if you simply do what I ask instead of what you think I want, you’ll have joy. But if you lose focus and start trying to do things your way, sin is crouching down waiting to pounce on you. It wants to take you down! It wants 
As I sat in my chair the next morning, blown away by what God had just revealed to me, I said out loud, “Oh my God, I am CAIN!” I realized my frustration that God’s plan was not what I thought it should be caused me to allow the enemy to leap from his crouching and pounce all over me. And then I heard God speak to my heart the same thing he told Cain that day so long ago: “I have a plan, and if you will just trust me and follow it, everything will work out. But if you let this disappointment you feel, as a result of me not doing things your way, just keep eating at you, it’s going to destroy you. You’ve got to let it go and trust me.” Talk about being humbled by something…God’s same words to Cain in his crisis of faith thousands of years ago became the same words He said to me in mine. And just like Cain, I had a choice to make in how I moved forward, but instead of holding onto my anger as he did, I chose to unclench my hands and let it go.
Silent Saturday for the followers of Christ was a terrible day. The previous day, their Savior and friend had been brutally beaten to the point of being unrecognizable and had died a horrible death on the cross. The people who had believed in Him were crushed, scared, and worried about what the future would hold. They heard Him promise that He would rise again on the third day, but they doubted it. If they believed His promise with all their hearts, they would have been waiting expectantly at the tomb on Sunday to see it happen. Instead, they were afraid. It was extremely silent for them. Fear hovered over them while darkness hovered in the tomb. Waiting is always the hardest part.
All of us have experienced our own personal versions of a silent Saturday. We face times in which we have lived from a place of faith in God and His promises. We hold tight to our relationship with Jesus, believing what He has said, even when we sometimes don’t fully understand it. We follow; we believe; we trust. We marvel when we see God’s hand working in our lives or the lives of those around us, but then we find ourselves in a silent Saturday. We pray for God’s guidance and help, but it seems He is silent. As a result, we wonder if He is gone and start to question what will happen to us in His absence. We feel scared and helpless; and if we are honest, we sometimes feel betrayed, as if everything we have done has been for nothing. The questions start to swirl within us, “Where is God? Why won’t He answer me? Why won’t He help me?!” The longer the silence, the more scared or disillusioned we become. Depression sets in. We hunker down and start trying to figure out what we should do to protect ourselves, because it seems God has disappeared.
The disciples were already confused and fearful when Jesus was arrested. They watched Him willingly lay down His life even though they knew He had the power to strike back at those who were harming Him. Surely they felt like their entire world was falling apart and the future was too dark to see. Jesus was dead and in the tomb; Darkness set in and the silence became deafening. What I always found interesting was that Jesus had told them multiple times what He was doing and why He was doing it, but they just kept missing it. (Matthew 16:21 and 20:17-19) The problem wasn’t that they hadn’t been told, but rather that they never fully understood – or didn’t want to understand. Jesus even told the disciples “I am telling you now before it happens so that when it does happen, you will believe that I am who I am.” (John 13:19) How many times has the same thing happened to me because I was blinded by my own ideas of what should happen based on an incorrect interpretation of what God has said to me through His word? Just like the disciples, sometimes I can’t get out of my own way to see His.
I am so grateful the darkness of the original Silent Saturday didn’t last, and that Jesus walked out of the grave – ALIVE – on Sunday morning! But this year, I am also grateful to remember that the silent Saturdays of our lives don’t last either. I’m not saying these seasons of life are easy, by any stretch, and we are all in different places of faith at different times. But just as the disciples could have benefited from reminding each other of the truth and holding onto each other in moments when the fear or sadness was too much to bear, we can lean on our brothers and sisters in Christ to do the same for us (and us for them) as we trudge through the difficult times in life.
The Cadence of My Soul 