Monthly Archives: October 2013

You Are Loved…Accept It!

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shutterstock_134516501It has been said that we live in moments, not in days and I believe that is true.  Actually I believe we live in even shorter spans of times…in breaths and heartbeats.  Each one is a gift we can never get back.  The same is true for the ones we love.  Most of us know we are not promised another moment in life but we often forget that those we love are not promised another moment either.  If we could remember that fact, we might find ourselves more willing to tell others we love them.  For some, perhaps they would learn to accept love and care without being so uncomfortable.

There are some people in my world who mean more to me than they can possibly understand.  Oh, I try to tell/show them (quite often…much to the dismay of some of them) how much I love and care about them but they only see the tip of the iceberg.  It’s always been this way, and I guess I’ve always been a little overly expressive, but the truth is I have always been keenly aware that our next breath is not promised to us.  As a result, I usually honor the internal drive to express to those around me just how much they mean to me.  Sometimes it comes through a deep and meaningful discussion and sometimes it is just a really sappy (but sincere) comment out of nowhere.  Yes, I am compelled to say or do what I say or do…and I do not say or do anything I do not mean from the depths of my soul.

I have found that most people are uncomfortable with true expressions of the heart.  The most common reaction I have seen to an open and honest expression of love is to laugh or become dismissive.  I realize it is not directed at me (or whoever happened to express something to someone), but it comes from a place of either not knowing how to respond or a place of feeling unworthy of that expression.

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Some people have been so criticized over the course of their lives that they refuse to believe someone could see their gifts or their beauty.  They even doubt the sincerity of someone who tells them they are gifted or beautiful because they just can’t see themselves that way.  They develop a way of living that even keeps them shielded from the truth…especially when it is positive.  Most people (with the exception of the selfish or narcissistic) are not comfortable with being told how much they are loved or gifted because they have been taught that it is arrogant to believe it.  Even saying “thank you” becomes an arrogant act in that mindset.  After all, if you say “thank you,” then you are agreeing with whatever was said…and that isn’t polite.  How terrible it is that we have warped something as pure as the expression of the heart and turned it into something to be laughed at, dismissed or even feared.

It is a fact that loss is an inevitable part of life.  There is going to come a time for all of us when we are separated from someone we love.  It is too late, after someone is gone, to tell them how much they mean to you.  It’s too late to hug them.  It’s too late to see them smile when you open your heart to them.  But what if you DO open yourself up to others and express yourself honestly and openly?  Will you be laughed at and dismissed for doing so?  From my experience, I will tell you it is a probability, but don’t let it stop you.  Be fearless!  Love genuinely from the depths of your heart and soul and don’t be afraid to express it.

shutterstock_57395806In my life, I have been hurt and burned by more people than I can count.  I have been laughed at and teased for being so expressive.  I have been looked at strangely because I refuse to give up on people even when they have walked away.  I have been ridiculed for being too vulnerable with those I love.  I have been rejected by some because I refuse to reserve my love and care for only those who were deemed “acceptable.”  I have been punished for reaching out to those who were perceived as stealing my time or energy.  Believe me, I have been wounded by every negative arrow that can be hurled at someone for loving deeply and expressing that love…and do you know what it taught me?  It taught me that the love we give can also heal us.  Otherwise, I would have been dead from those wounds long ago.

The truth is I will never be able to fully express to those I love just how much they mean to me.  There are no words that truly convey my gratitude for those who have loved and accepted me without condition.  So forgive me if I am unable to keep myself from trying to find the words to express the depth of love, care and connection I feel for those around me.  Forgive me for struggling to keep it locked inside when I feel compelled to tell you that you are beautiful, intelligent, talented, kind, compassionate, loving or any one of a thousand other things that YOU don’t believe about yourself.  Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t make it untrue.  Maybe you need to see yourself through my eyes for a moment.

shutterstock_158268758And the next time I tell you you’re amazing, just say “thank you.”  I promise it doesn’t make you selfish.

Blessings!

Revelation and Fragility

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Lately I’ve been immersed in a process of revelation.  I just completed writing a book that details the journey I took with my best friend, Annette, over the years as she eventually lost her battle with brain cancer.  It has been an intense and emotional process and one that has put in me yet another position of vulnerability and revelation.  Doing anything creative opens us up for all kinds of judgments (and even ridicule).  When we reveal the truth of our journeys, and the truth of what we experience and feel, the risks are so great that we often shrink back behind the veil of what we think we should look like to the world around us.

Throughout the process of writing and editing the book, I was taken to new places of reflection and realization.  At times it was a painful process as I stripped away the final layers of my protective covering, but it reminded me of how beautiful life truly is when we are wiling to risk judgment for revelation.  Annette and I trusted each other and refused to let society dictate to us how we would treat each other or express our love and care for each other.  As a result, we risked all kinds of ridicule and misperceptions but we didn’t care because we found something that far surpassed the fear of rejection and ridicule:  the strength of being understood and loved without condition. 

Love maskThe revealing of ourselves is often a painful experience.  Whether it is due to the revelation of traits we are not proud of or simply the revelation of our emotions in their most raw state, the result often brings us pain.  We don’t like to be vulnerable, and we don’t like our relationships to get out of balance between give and take…or revelation and reticence.  Even in our most difficult emotional moments, it is often hard to let down our guard or know that we need to reach out to someone who we know loves and cares about us.  We would rather curl up into a corner by ourselves and bear our burdens alone instead of “troubling” someone else with our struggles or let them see us in our fragile state.  Not only that, we don’t want to BE fragile with someone else because it opens us up to more hurt if we are not embraced in our fragility, or worse, judged for it. 

Recently I had the amazing blessing of being able to help someone I love get through a difficult time.  Interestingly, it happened at a time when I was struggling with my own internal issues, but the moment she became vulnerable, nothing could have stopped me from being there to support her.  All the things I was struggling with suddenly paled in comparison to the love and care I felt for another person.  It was an honor to have someone lay their heart in my hands for a short while and to be trusted to not injure it.  It was humbling to be allowed to care for someone who needed to be cared for in that moment.  lost and aloneAnd it was beautiful to see the openness and vulnerability of another’s spirit – even if it was something they would have fought to hide under normal circumstances.  It strengthened and comforted me far more than any strength or comfort I provided for her.  It was as a result of this experience that I remembered why honesty matters so much in our relationships and in our lives.   It reminded me why I had been willing to pour intimate details of my life into a book for all to read.  It whispered to me, “Without revelation and fragility you will never experience true acceptance and strength.”

Helping HandsIt was that experience that gave me courage to keep moving forward in the midst of my own struggles.  It strengthened me to know life is full of relationships that help us grow and it made me proud of my own revelations I shared within the book I just finished.  It reduced my fears of being judged or rejected for the exposure of my own heart.  Revealing ourselves, or becoming openly fragile for a while, allows us the opportunity to see love manifested in the ways someone else cares for us.  But beyond that, it also allows us the opportunity to strengthen those same people in ways we can’t even understand.  We need to stop being so worried about those who will reject us if we reveal our true selves and focus on those who embrace us more purely and love us because we reveal our true selves.  And as I say that, I can’t help but think, “Annette would be so proud.”

 Blessings!

When the Words Won’t Come

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I sat down several times to write a post over the past week and the words just wouldn’t come.  I thought I would have time to reflect and share things with you over the weekend but that still didn’t bring the words I sought.

lightning sky2Sometimes we have those days or weeks (or even longer) when we want so badly to express ourselves but cannot find the words to do so.  We are faced with so many different situations and emotions that our spirit seems to swirl like a massive cyclone in which we can only catch glimpses of things as they fly past.  I have longed for the eye of the storm over the past few days but instead found the cyclone swirling even faster.  It certainly makes it difficult to find words when you can’t even find footing.

It is hard to explain the sensation of feeling alone in the midst of people or trying to let go of the pains we don’t understand.  It actually hurts to not be able to find the words to express the depth of our emotions…but what hurts more is to actually have the words and not be able to say them out loud.  I think that is one of the greatest pains of all.  Those situations bring a unique kind of pain…a hurt on top of hurt…a loneliness wrapped in isolation.

 

shutterstock_150535259It is not wise to say everything you think, believe or observe, but to feel censored because of the fear of confrontation or being belittled can be challenging.  Bullies don’t always use something tangible to attack others, but the injuries are just as deep.  Whether real or perceived, these things cause us to “clam up” and curl up into the corners of our soul where words are hard to find.  I have found it impossible to try and force words to the surface when the surface is not within reach, and I have found it too painful to reach down into the depths and grab them.

Personally, I struggle to understand why some people think or do the things they think or do.  I struggle to understand why some people seem to thrive on controversy, contention or confrontation.  I struggle to understand why it hurts so much to not understand.  I struggle just like the rest of you with these things and maybe there is comfort in that fact.  Maybe it is our collective struggle to live in peace that binds some of us together.  And maybe…just maybe that makes a difference.

Since hurt is made bearable by the salve of love, I pray we all feel that love in a way that binds our wounds and helps us heal…

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Blessings!