Today I Celebrate Love

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Today is Valentines Day and although it’s also my birthday, I choose to celebrate LOVE! My life has been filled with love over the years from many sources and many people. I have been blessed beyond all measure and a day does not go by where I do not thank God for it. I could talk about so many beautiful people in my life or wonderful aspects of love but today is special enough that I want to spend it reflecting on something personal and close to home. I hope you’ll grant me this one day of being totally selfish in what I am sharing.

engagementI met my husband in 1986 and we spent three months taking walks and sharing poetry and conversations about life. We weren’t dating but we loved spending time together. Then we went our separate ways and lost touch. For the next 10 years, I told friends of mine that my one single regret in life was losing touch with Michael not as a boyfriend, but as a friend of my soul. I had dated and even been engaged once but never married. I had a reached a point where I had resolved within myself that I would always be single and then I ran into Michael. When we reunited in 1996, there was something we just knew. It was “right.” We never doubted we were meant to be together and laughed at how we both spent the ten-year gap wondering what had happened to the other person. I was never more excited than the night we ran back into each other and I realized that spark had never gone out. Not only that, it immediately burst into a flame that has only gotten brighter over time. Our first date was on St. Patrick’s Day. We got engaged that May and married in November.

If you’ve followed my blog or read the About Me page, you know I have some complicated wiring. I have a lot of quirks and definitely have had my share of relationships with people who had a hard time dealing with all that comes with my wiring. Michael, however, not only accepted me as I am but embraced me completely. He saw me as beautiful when I never felt like it. He saw me as intelligent even when I did things that weren’t very intelligent. He listened to me ramble on about everything under the sun even when he would have much rather enjoyed some peace and quiet. He knows what makes me tick and gives me the freedom to be me.

official picA lot of people have asked us over the years what makes our marriage seem so different from most people and one of the main things has been that we have always given each other room to be exactly who we are. Yes, we are one couple, but we are still individuals within that relationship. We were a little older when we got married and neither of us got married thinking we could change the other person into who or what we wanted them to be. I didn’t want to lose myself and neither did he and for us, it worked. There are a lot of reasons why we love each other more today than we did all those years ago but our greatest strength is that our relationship is grounded in Christ.

ceremony1 Corinthians chapter 13 describes for us what love truly is. It isn’t emotions or the expressions of those warm feelings we have when we say we are “in love.” Love goes much deeper. It is committed. It is a choice. It is choosing to stay even through the tough times. It is the preferring of each other above ourselves. That’s not always easy to do and we don’t always succeed at it but when we DO, the results are amazing. I believe God has a perfect plan for a long-lasting relationship and we have tried to live by those principles. It is that grounding in spirit and shared belief that has carried us through some extremely difficult times in our marriage. It is what has reminded us to be kind and gentle and to grant each other grace even when we would rather do otherwise. It is the reason we do not yell and argue. It is why we’ve always taken time and made the effort to truly communicate from the very beginning. And as a result of our shared belief in – and commitment to – God and His word, we have been blessed beyond measure.

the kissSo today I celebrate a romance for the ages. I could not have asked for a better husband than God gave me in Michael. He makes me laugh from the depths of my soul and wipes my tears when I cry. He fights for me and WITH me no matter what comes. He is a “man’s man” but has the most kind, loving and generous heart. He is a wonderful example of what a husband should be and I have been changed because of the way he loves me. On this day of love, I couldn’t ask for more.

Blessings!

Stop (and Think) In The Name of Love!

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HeartsThis week we will be celebrating Valentine’s Day.  It seems to be a time when some people evaluate their relationships honestly and others are concerned only with what they will get from their significant others.  I realize it is a time for romance but it’s even a better time for looking inward at the true love in our life.

So often we go through life wondering why things aren’t different.  We look at our relationships and think they should be deeper and more meaningful yet quite often fail to realize that we are the ones who are holding back.  Past hurts and pains still haunt us because we can’t forget.  Past angers still cripple us because we cannot forgive.  These past experiences taint our present relationships and cause us to hide behind our creative walls.  We don’t have depth in life because we aren’t willing to go to the depths.  We sometimes aren’t willing to acknowledge the pains of days gone by so that we might move past them into a new realm of peace.  We hang on to our impressions of the world that were formed in sadness or other negative experiences.  We get burned so often that we tell ourselves people just aren’t worth it.  We begin to believe it is easier to have superficial relationships with everyone than to live through the many betrayals and rejections in order to find the pearls of the few who are true.  What is so often lost in the midst of our perceptions is the reality of love.

Love can find us in the oddest of circumstances or the strangest of people.  We don’t look for love; love looks for us.  We don’t find it; it finds us when we let down our guard and risk the pain of exposition.  It embraces us when we embrace others.  It calls to us when we are willing to listen.  It hears us when we are finally willing to speak.  It will not force us to live within it.  It will not force us to be open.  It will not force us to be weak.  It will not force us to be exposed but when we are willing to freely stand naked in spirit with those around us, love will clothe us in the purest peace and comfort.

We have all used love to our benefit over the course of our lives.  We have called emotions “love” when they were anything but love.  We have loved with condition.  We have loved with expectation.  We have loved in order to gain instead of give.  We have loved out of necessity, convenience and sometimes even confusion.  We have loved in order to manipulate, coerce and extract what we somehow believed we were entitled to from another.  We have lived our lives doing everything BUT love.  It sounds so harsh to say it openly but it is the truth.

Corinthians 13It is easy for us to stand and look at ourselves in a mirror that reflects how wonderful we look on the surface but we rarely see who we really are.  I am not saying in every situation in life we have loved for some other reason but when was the last time you loved someone truly as much as you love yourself?  When was the last time you truly put someone else ahead of yourself without considering it to be a nice or even noble thing to do?  Love acts.  Love responds.  Love never stops to think how much greater it becomes for what it does.  It is not proud.  It is full of understanding, true grace and mercy.  I have seen some beautiful acts of kindness over my life and some genuine displays of what love is but let us not mistake the rarity of those times.  Let us not diminish the character of love by making it into a beautiful package that contains nothing of substance when it is opened.

So as we approach February 14th, let us ignore the commercialism and expectations that normally come with the day.  It is wonderful to have a day to show expressions of our love but wouldn’t it be better if we lived every day of our lives in a way that our loved ones know exactly what they mean to us?  If we will, we may just find ourselves with a gift that lasts much longer than any flowers, candy or jewelry ever could!

Blessings!

A Literal Gift of the Heart

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In keeping with my theme of love in February, I wanted to share something with you that happened 15 years ago this month.  My mom and I appeared on the Montel Williams Show to be united with the family of my mom’s heart donor (Kim).  The video clip of our segment on the show is at the bottom of this post.  Let me back up for a few moments and share the basic details of this story with you.  I’ll share the full details at another time.

Heart donorIn the mid 1990s, my mom began having serious heart troubles.  She had surgery to repair a valve in 1995 that was unsuccessful and in February of 1996 she was told her only hope was to have a heart transplant.  Nothing will wake up a family like an illness that brings death to your doorstep.  After much consideration, my mom and dad moved (temporarily) up to San Francisco to be near Stanford Hospital in case a heart became available.  She was supposed to be a “quick transplant” but ended up having some complications that almost caused her to not be a candidate at all.  In September of 1996, mom and dad got “the call” and she received her new heart on September 20, 1996.

I thank God constantly for the genuine love that a family of strangers showed to my own.  They were losing their daughter and sister but even in their grief they reached out in love to people they had never met.  Recognition did not matter to them.  This family looked at their own great loss and decided they would share a literal gift of life with someone else.  It was a selfless act in spite of how deeply they were hurting at the time.  The resulting effect in our world was an ecstatic sadness…a bittersweet sensation embracing life and death, joy and pain.  It is unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced.

Love in its true state prefers others.  It is not a feeling, but a decision…a commitment.  Love gives us the strength to do things we could not (or would not) do on our own.  It can take our weakest moments and turn them into our most triumphant.  It causes us to look outside ourselves even when our world is crumbling.  It allows us to give even when we feel as if we’ve lost everything.  Love does not demand gratitude but if you have been touched by a sincere and selfless love, it is impossible to not feel gratitude that runs deeper than any earthly expression.

Me and Mom in Maui lightKim’s family demonstrated a selfless love for others in their decision to donate her organs so that others may live.  As a result, our family has been blessed with over 16 additional years of my mother’s presence and she is still doing well.  Because of their gift, Mom not only got to be present for my wedding, but also the wedding of my sister and eventually the wedding of her granddaughter.  She has watched both of her grandchildren grow up.  She has seen the birth of her first great-grandchild!  She has been here to hold our hands and our hearts.  She has been an inspiration and example to everyone who knows her and has changed lives as a result.  I know it was my mom who actually received the heart but it’s the rest of us that feel like we got the greatest gift.

Love for others, even total strangers (sometimes especially total strangers), can have effects you would have never imagined.  You may not ever be recognized for it but love does not seek to elevate itself.  It does not want to be put on a stage.  It is enough to be content in knowing you HAVE loved, genuinely and with all you are.  To love fully and without condition means to do so without expectation of anything in return.  Loving is the one thing we can all do that allows us to change the world by changing our little corner of it!  And sometimes, just sometimes, we find ourselves blessed enough to come full circle and see it face to face.

Blessings!

Love Shared Is Not Diminished

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For most people, February is the “love month” because it contains Valentine’s Day (which also happens to be my birthday so yes, I’m a lover not a fighter!).  As a result, you may see several posts this month that relate to different aspects of love.  Hopefully you don’t mind.  😉

I’ve been thinking about something lately that has troubled me for years.  Why is it that some people have such a hard time understanding that love shared is not diminished? Here is what I’ve always believed:  If I love one person completely, it does not preclude me from loving someone else completely.  I’ve encountered a LOT of people in this life for which this seems to be a totally foreign concept and it is something that has always puzzled me.

shutterstock_1371755Some people seem to believe we are given only a finite amount of love and we have to choose how we “spend” that love.  They wouldn’t openly admit that is what they believe, but their actions certainly reflect it!  In other words, I start out with 100% of love so if I love two people then I have to split my love.  I can split it 50/50 or by some other ratio but neither person can have 100%.  Based on this thinking, the more people I love, the LESS love I have to give.  We look at love like we do money, time or other resources.  We only have so much money to give before we run out.  There’s only so much time in a day, etc.  All these things force us to make choices in how we spend these resources because they are limited.  Limited resources mean we must divide them in order to cover more ground.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE WITH LOVE!!  Love is not a “resource;” It is a gift!

Love, when it is given, multiplies.  It is not diminished because it is shared.  Think of it this way:  If a woman who loves her child with all her heart gives birth to another one, she doesn’t have to take an amount of love away from the first one to give to the second.  Her love for EACH child is 100%.  This woman ends up with a complete and total love that is twice as big as she had before!  Her love was not reduced as a result of her sharing it with another.  It was, in fact, multiplied.

The Bible tells us God IS love.  Jesus loves me, this I know…right?  He loves completely and unconditionally!  Since “God so loved the WORLD…” does this mean if He loves everyone, then you must take that number of people (billions over the course of time) and divide it in order to figure out what percent He is capable of loving you?  That is not only unscriptural but it is ridiculous!  We know this to be true with God but if God is love, then we must also remember it to be true about love.

I must confess it drives me absolutely crazy when people are so selfish that they demand the people who love them do not love anyone else or at least do not act on their love for anyone else.  I love to see and be around people who love freely because I love freely, openly and completely.  It breaks my heart when someone takes the fact that I love many people and tries to imply that I don’t care or love about him or her as a result.  I used to let that heartbreak determine how I acted or reacted so that particular individual wouldn’t feel “unloved” or unappreciated but over time I have learned that some people prefer to be judgmental and exclusionary rather than to love as love was intended to be.  I feel bad for them because they are missing out on the greatest blessings of life.

shutterstock_65540413I cannot change anyone around me but I can refuse to let the negativity drag me down into a place where I begin to look at love as a “win-lose” proposition.  For me, love will always be a “win-win.”  Love is not an equation but if it was, there would actually be two of them based on the way people think:

  1. Love – Love = Nothing
  2. Love + Love = Infinity

I’ll just say this….”To infinity and beyond!!”

Blessings!

When Helping Hurts

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Helping Hands“Helping”…it seems like such a noble word, such a noble act. We are taught to help others. We are taught to be helpful to those around us. We are told that helping someone else may sometimes mean we have to sacrifice some things in our own life or situation but that it is good for us to do so. If we don’t help, then we are told we are “selfish.” If we don’t help, then we must have a cold heart. Even the Bible reminds us:

  • “And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” Hebrews 13:16
  • “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
  • “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” James 4:17

So helping IS a noble thing to do. When we find ourselves in situations where we can offer help to another, we should take that opportunity to do so. Sometimes that is an easier thing than others. When our help requires us to do something, it is easy to act. If it costs us something, we may give it more consideration before we do it. If we must sacrifice in order to help, it takes it to yet another level. But what about when helping requires us to NOT do something but instead to be still and let a situation unfold? That is a different matter all together.

Recently I was reminded of a situation many years ago when someone I knew had put herself in what I thought was a dangerous situation – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. She was not making wise decisions and I did everything I could in order to get her to hear me, but nothing worked. I was terrified for her and tried to help but eventually I began to realize my hands were tied. She was a grown woman and there was nothing I could say or do that was going to change her mind. The only things left to do would have done more harm than good so I was forced to stand by and watch…helplessly. I prayed constantly for her. I loved her without condition and vowed to be there to pick up the pieces; I just hoped there would be pieces to pick up. For someone who always wants to help, it was excruciating at times to have to stand back and watch.

lost and alone

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is to be still and let things happen. That goes against the grain for many of us because those old tapes play loudly in our head and tell us if we do not “help,” it means we are selfish and don’t care. When someone you love is in a situation that is detrimental to them or they are making choices that are taking them down a path that will bring them nothing but pain, it is natural to want to alter their course! If you love them, it is natural for you to do everything in your power to get them to change direction or make a better decision. It is natural to exhaust your resources to make things different. It is NOT natural to step back and allow something to run its course. To do so means accepting the risk and possibility that something terrible may happen. It means living with the fear that a person may end up with very severe and painful consequences. In my situation, I truly feared I might get a phone call telling me someone I loved was dead. Thankfully that did not happen, but if it had, I would have had a difficult time not feeling guilty for the rest of my life for not doing more…even though there was nothing more to do.

Help doesn’t always look or feel like we think it should. Helping is sometimes painful. Helping sometimes means we have to be still and not act. It hurts to watch someone we love go through difficulties or endure pain but when we overstep in trying to help, we often trample on what our Father is trying to work in their lives…and in ours. We cannot see the complete picture that God is painting. We look at a small portion that seems dark and ominous and try to wipe it away when it is actually the backdrop for displaying the light! Without darkness and shadows there would be no depth and beauty to the picture.

colorful skyGod can do amazing things with the broken pieces of a life touched by poor decisions and even dangerous circumstances. Sometimes the best way we can “help” is to get out of the way and let HIM do the work. When the time is right, He will open the door for you to step back in and be helpful in a more active way, or He will close that door for your involvement completely. Until then, strengthen your spirit. Get on your knees and pray. Rest…and trust that sometimes the best place to be in is the one in which you cannot “help.”

Blessings!