Light at the End of the Darkness

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Annette Ness blur cropOn Saturday, it will be 17 years since I lost my best friend, Annette…however, it was a Thursday evening 17 years ago today, January 16th that I saw her for the last time.  Even the days of the week this year coincide with the days of the week when she passed away.  I had no idea our time together that Thursday evening would end up being the last moments we spent together and I suppose that made it all the more beautiful.  I told someone yesterday that I could not have been blessed with a greater or more perfect “last” visit with Annette.  Every single thing that happened that night was beautiful and complete.  It truly was completely perfect.

When we lose someone, we long for completion.  We long for closure and finality instead of unresolved situations or feelings.  Unfortunately, it is an extremely rare occasion when we actually GET the completeness we so desire.  I have lost many people in my life and almost all of these situations did have some kind of final closure for me.  That doesn’t mean I have forgotten these beautiful souls, but it means that I was able to experience some kind of commemoration of their lives that made me feel like they had truly been honored…or at least I had honored them if no one else did.  It is important to me.  It is just as important as my perspective on the brevity of life.  It is that truth that we are not promised another day that has always driven me to ensure the people in my life know how I feel about them.  I am not morbid; I simply think it is SO extremely important for us to express our love and gratitude for those special people around us.  It not only makes goodbyes more tolerable, it can actually add a sweetness to it.  It doesn’t make it easy, but it does make it more complete.

Annette and I did not have a perfect relationship, but we had a perfectly beautiful connection.  And in the end, our final time together truly was perfect.  As I reflect back to that night…this night, I am immersed in beautiful sensations.   There are no earthly words to truly express what I feel in my heart and soul when I remember that evening.  One of the things that stands out in my memory is a song I sang to her that night.  She wanted me to put on a tape I had made for her of me singing her favorite songs, so of course I did exactly that.  The music was playing in the background but then she asked me to sing along, even though it was already my voice on the tape.  There was one song in particular that Annette always loved.  It is called “Light at the End of the Darkness” and over the years she often asked me to sing it at church for her.  There was just something about that song for Annette that spoke to her and lifted her up from whatever difficulties she was enduring at the time.  It’s quite an old song, but it was never outdated in Annette’s mind.  I haven’t sung that song since Annette died and today I realized just how much I miss it.

Saturday, January 18th, is a day often filled with the memories of Annette’s actual death and of the terribly heartbreaking experiences of that entire day, but Thursday, January 16th, brings memories of the most beautiful kind.  It reminds me of how blessed I am to have been given such a night of perfect completeness with someone so important to me.  It makes me appreciate every single moment, word, touch and breath of that night.  It makes me thankful to God that He knew what was coming in less than two days so He provided me a night that, for most people, only exists in movies.  It brings back the sights and sounds of that night and brings such a sense of completeness that my heart doesn’t know what to do with it.  And then it hits me…I miss her so much it hurts.

So today, I have been listening to that song…but this time, I hear the words coming in the voice of my dear friend.  I see her smile and feel the warmth of her spirit…and truth be told, it is a special gift that continuously, simultaneously breaks and heals my heart.

Blessings!

What’s In a Name?

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shutterstock_146424497When someone asks the question, “Who are you,” most people respond with a name.  Some people might respond with their occupation or title, but for the most part, we consider our name to be our most important identifier.  But what happens when your sense of identity is actually wrapped up in your name?  Are you defined solely by the family you were born into or raised by?   What happens if your name reminds you of someone you have great disdain for or of a childhood that was less than perfect?  Should you change it?  Should you leave it and spend your life resenting it?  It can be a dilemma when you look at yourself as only a name.

Who you are is so much more than a name or a title.  It is the choices you make and the things you do.  God made you unique and gave you special gifts and abilities.  Your name or title has nothing to do with it.  We need to quit tying ourselves to a man-given name and feeling privileged or disadvantaged as a result.  Yes, being born into certain families (celebrities, royalty, rich or popular) can provide more opportunities and advantages than most people get, but it CERTAINLY doesn’t guarantee you will have a happy life or be a decent human being.  Being born into families where your name is associated with something negative or has already been dragged through the mud before you even existed can make it more challenging to overcome.  It is a fact of life that our name matters…but to what degree?  How much of it can we affect?  Is our only choice to feel bad about ourselves or to change our name?  Is our only option to get rid of it?

shutterstock_153833735What we tell ourselves about where we come from is not nearly as important as what we tell ourselves about who we are.  If we came from an abusive situation, we need to acknowledge our past but we do not have to be defined by it.  If we came from a past of being bullied or made fun of, we don’t have to continue to feel less than acceptable.  If we came from circumstances in which we did not have our needs met, whether physically, emotionally, mentally or even spiritually, we do not have to continue to settle for being empty.  If we lived with a person or people who were an embarrassment (or worse) to us, or made us want to become someone else, we don’t have to continue to run away.  There is another choice: Face it…then start changing your perspective.   I know that is easier said than done, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Our names sometimes carry great weight and responsibility, and sometimes they can carry pain and embarrassment.   If your name is such a burden that you cannot escape it, then it is not wrong to consider changing it.  BUT if you change your name and nothing else, nothing else is going to change.  You will gain nothing but new letters to sign on a check.  Instead, consider the fact that you can take back your name from the person or persons who degraded it.  You can redeem your name by living a life that is filled with love, kindness, compassion and generosity.  You can live a life that does not judge others, but lifts them up.  Live in the moment.  Live to help, not hurt.  Live to build up, not destroy.  Quit blaming your past (or your name) for your “bad luck” and take back the power from the ones who took it from you and reclaim your God-given identity.

shutterstock_15258877On the other hand, maybe you were fortunate enough to be given a name that is associated with success, intelligence, authority or sincere acts of compassion and generosity.  Maybe you had parents who were well-respected, highly regarded by others or accomplished great things.  It is easy to fall into a mindset that somehow your parents’ or family’s successes are also your own.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud of where you come from or the way you were raised, but you cannot live your life based on what others before you have done.  You must make your own mark on the world.  Quit assuming the successes of others as though they are your own and then putting yourself on a pedestal as a result.  Count your blessings that you had a family who loved and cared for you.  Be grateful for the opportunities afforded you because of the circumstances into which you were born, but above all, be who YOU are supposed to be.    You have unique God-given abilities and desires that have nothing to do with your name!  They have everything to do with the amazing journey in store for you if you will let go of your sense of entitlement and leap out by faith into the true calling for your life.

So what’s in a name?  I guess the true answer to that is found within each and every one of us.  Your name is what YOU make of it.  It doesn’t matter what it contains; what matters is what you fill it with.

Blessings!

Resolutions? Let’s Get This Straight…

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shutterstock_128054627As the new year is upon us and we all pause to reflect on the things that took place in our lives in 2013, it seems everyone is yet again making resolutions they hope will positively affect things in 2014.  Resolutions are an interesting thing to me because of the word itself.  “Resolution” is defined by Webster as “the act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict, problem, etc ; the act of resolving something.”  We use the word in more of a sense of intent to do “better” than we did in the previous year.   We say we are going to be better people, nicer, kinder, more generous.  We tell ourselves we are going to be more patient and less angry.  We say we are going to eat right and exercise more.  We have all kinds of things we call “resolutions” when really they aren’t resolutions at all.  If the word means the act of finding an answer or solution to a problem, then a resolution is the product of a process that comes only after we have been willing to take a very honest look at a situation, clear the fog around it and see it for what it is.  That means seeing US as we really are.  No one likes to take a long hard look in the mirror because it often reveals things we spend most of our time and energy trying to reason away.  But if we will NOT take that very difficult look in the mirror, then our resolutions are nothing more than empty promises we use in order to make ourselves feel better for a little while.   Remember, a resolution means you have resolved a dilemma.  It means you have an answer to the issue.  Whether or not you ACT on that resolution is another matter altogether.

We all search for answers in life.  We want to have certainty on what to do rather than fly by the seat of our pants, but certainty is often hard to come by.  Sometimes our problems or circumstances are such that we aren’t able to find an answer we can act on.  Sometimes the “answer” is to wait instead of acting.  Sometimes the answers come with time but most of us are too impatient to take the journey.  We want instant results.  We want “resolutions.”  We want a new beginning!  There’s nothing wrong with desiring a new perspective or direction in life but we don’t get it by simply making a promise we THINK we should make.  We get it by being willing to take the journey necessary to finally have the answer that is right for us…not the answer we THINK we should have, but the one that is actually the truth.  When we reach that point in a situation, it is the moment we have a true resolution.  We know which way we are supposed to go or what we are supposed to do.  It has been said that “knowing is half the battle,” which means reaching the point of resolution is only half the battle.  The rest of the battle is acting on it.

shutterstock_96294860So here’s the challenge:  Don’t get caught up in the hype of “new year’s resolutions” and focus instead on the truth you see in the mirror each day.  Be willing to not only see the things you want to change, but to ask God to show you the reason you do them in the first place.  Strive for understanding, not answers.  Strive for purpose, not plans.  When you let go of trying to find the answers, the answers will come.   And when you have that clarity for the direction of your life or circumstance, be willing to step out on faith and follow, no matter how much it scares you or how difficult the change may be.   Don’t make resolutions, LIVE THEM!

Blessings!

I Still Believe…

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Every year I get out my Christmas decorations and put them up the weekend after Thanksgiving.  In the midst of my decorations each year sits a framed letter I wrote to Santa when I was only nine years old.  I don’t always stop to re-read it but this year I took a few extra moments to do so and decided to share it with all of you.

photo 2As cute as I find that letter, it strikes me how much I can see my adult self in that little girl’s note.   I loved Christmas…and still do.  Even though I was starting to get older, I still chose to hold to the truth there was a Santa Claus out there who spread love and joy around the world.  I had a wonderful childhood and it wasn’t that I was trying to live in some fantasy world, but I just loved Santa and what he represented. I’ve often said I was not a normal kid and it’s so true!  I remember writing that letter and truly believing everything I said.  First of all, I knew that I could always be a better person.  I didn’t care about material gifts but gifts of the heart.  To me, love was the greatest gift you could give or receive.  Love also meant you were honest, which is why I couldn’t even get through my letter to Santa without correcting my opening statement that I had been “good.”   I felt like I didn’t deserve anything not because I was so terrible, but because I felt like I hadn’t done enough to help others.  I wanted “stuff” for other people (or animals)! Yeah…I was a sappy child.  All I wanted was for Santa to know that he was important to me and that I loved him.  And if there was something he could bring me, I didn’t want stuff because it didn’t matter to me at all.  More than anything, I just wanted him to know that I was grateful and that I cared about him and loved him with all my heart.  It’s interesting to me that what I said or asked for in my letter is still reflective of the way I think today.   Material things still don’t matter to me.  Sure, they are nice to have, but what really matters is the connections and relationships we have with the people around us.  What matters is love.  THAT is the true magic of Christmas.

So in this season of overspending and over-committing to activities, let us remember to stop and show our love to the people in our lives…not with gifts we can buy but with the gift of ourselves and our time.  In a season where the world tries to distract us from the true reason why there IS a Christmas, let us be thankful to our Father who IS love.

And may my grown up Christmas letter always be filled with the same sentiment it had when I was nine. Blessings!

A Huge Milestone

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Annette new york 001This post is the sharing of something personal because today was a huge day in my world.   For over a year now, I have been working toward completing a book that tells the story of the journey I took with my best friend, Annette Christophe, as she fought brain cancer.  It has been an interesting process for me as I relived every moment, every joy and pain.  There were times I thought I couldn’t stand the emotional toll any longer and feared I would have to abandon the project, but my soul wouldn’t let me quit.  As a result, I got to take a new journey with her spirit that affected me in so many ways.   Today that book was published and made available to the public.  I thought I was prepared for the emotions of the book finally becoming reality, but I underestimated it all.The moment I found out the book was published early and was now in the public realm, I was elated!  In some ways it was like a huge weight was lifted and I was overwhelmingly joyful.  I wanted to shout from the mountain tops and share the moment with those closest to me!  Then things started to settle a bit, and I became extremely weepy and unable to control my tears.  I suddenly missed Annette terribly and at the same time felt her presence stronger than ever.  I feel like she is looking down right now, so proud of the accomplishment and endurance of what it took to bring our story to life.  I believe she is celebrating with me in spirit and I would swear I feel her hugging me.  When I stop and get quiet, it is almost more than I am able to stand or wrap my heart around.

How We Said Goodbye is, to date, my greatest creative accomplishment…for so many reasons.  But it’s more than that.  It is a journey that has changed my life once again.  It has opened me up completely again to Annette’s spirit and what she represents in my life.  It has been almost 17 years since she passed and the telling of our story felt long overdue…until I understood that God’s timing is perfect.  Even if I had tackled the writing of the book years ago, I would have been swallowed up in the intense emotions that accompanied its creation.   Instead, it happened when it was supposed to happen, and I am thankful for the fact it has finally come to fruition.

So I guess I want to say thank you to those of you who have been with me on this journey.  Some of you knew Annette and have known of our journey from the very beginning.  Some of you feel like you know Annette through knowing me and hearing me talk about her over the years.  Some of you never knew Annette and some of you have never met me….but ALL of you have been a part of this process in one way or another.  Whether through your support of me by simply reading this blog or by being someone in my literal world who has held my hand or my heart throughout the process in the past year…I would not be here without you and I am overwhelmed by your support.  Annette would love to see how she has brought so many people together…even those she never met.

It’s a beautiful and emotional day.  And today, I celebrate Annette’s spirit and thank God for the gift of her presence in the most amazing ways.  I will carry her with me always.

Blessings!

p.s.  You can read about the book by clicking on the “Books” tab at the top of the page.