Category Archives: Choices

Settling For What?

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Life is an amazing adventure but it was never meant to be one we simply speed through, grabbing all we can get. At the same time, there is a fine line between grabbing all we can get and settling for less than we deserve. When we “settle,” we miss out on the very essence of the beauty and power of our lives. This isn’t to say your life cannot still have a tremendous effect on those around you but it will certainly never have the full effect it was meant to have. When you settle, you not only rob yourself of blessings but you will rob all of the people whose journeys you cross in this life. There are people all around us, including ourselves, that are guilty of settling. shutterstock_71521108Each of us is unique, with unique talents and abilities. We all have dreams that we believe in our hearts we can achieve. What is it that makes us stop pursuing them? For some, there is a mix of priorities that change the course of their journeys. There are some who may have individual dreams that are overshadowed by the dreams of home and family. Please don’t misunderstand; I am in no way saying that those individuals who choose to have families cannot follow their dreams. The two can co-exist, there is just so much more to consider. What I am saying is that each turn of our journey brings new adventures and sometimes those turns prevent us from reaching particular goals. When this happens, it isn’t necessarily “settling” because as we grow and change so do our goals in life.

Settling is a reference to those times on our journey when we know we are capable of so much more but we stop short because of the critics in our lives. We give up on the things that the truest part of our spirit needs in order to thrive because someone has told us that to pursue our dreams, or our ideas of what is reasonable to have, is selfish and should be abandoned so that others can achieve theirs. Let me ask you a question. If that were a truth that should be adhered to, wouldn’t every single person be giving up what their heart desires in order that someone else could have the right to also give up their own? We would all be sacrificing for each other in vain because no one would be able to achieve the desires of their heart. What a ridiculous and futile process that would be.shutterstock_111760601 It is not selfish to pursue your dreams. It is not selfish to believe that your life can be more than it is at this moment. It isn’t wrong to follow what your spirit knows to be true. You are here for a purpose. I believe, in the quiet moments of our lives, we know what we are supposed to be doing, where we are supposed to be and with whom we are supposed to share it. Instead of following those truths, we settle for jobs that make us miserable because it pays the bills. We settle for relationships that stunt our growth because it’s easier than letting go. We settle for things far less than what our Heavenly Father intended for us to have and to be. I am not advocating pursuing our dreams at any expense, but I am fully embracing the idea of stepping out on faith when we have those moments of clarity that present us with the knowledge that there is something else we need to be doing.

God help us if we believe life is truly something to be endured instead of something to revel in. I dare say that none of us would want the children in our lives to settle for anything less than what they are able (and were meant) to be. Why then do we want our parents, spouses, friends and especially ourselves to settle for less? As people of faith, we have a God who wants us to live abundantly. He wants us to be happy, healthy and productive so why should I fear the path before me? Why shouldn’t I run leaping through the door into the realm of possibilities? There is no good reason I can find and yet I still hesitate at times. Fear takes hold and I am reminded of my responsibilities, commitments and my own mortality. I am blinded by this world’s cares and I surrender to the safety of the known rather than soaring into the open sky of my dreams. I would venture to say I am not the only one who sometimes finds themselves on the edge of clarity and greatness but shudders at the thought of leaping.

shutterstock_82458775Greatness will not come in our actions until it first comes in our thoughts. What we think, we become. If we spend our lives thinking we are weak or incapable of achieving greatness, then it is true. If we think our dreams are impossible, then they are. If we think all we have right now is all we will ever have, then it is! Sometimes we live our lives trying to protect what we already have instead of letting go and reaching for the greatness that exists within each of us. Settling is much different from contentment. Settling is giving up; contentment is letting go. Settling is admitting defeat and allowing circumstances to convince you this is the best it’s ever going to be. Contentment is courageously pursuing your true calling while having peace with the timing of the circumstances. The apostle Paul said, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Phil 4:11-13)

power to changeSo stand strong and be courageous in the pursuit of your dreams. Don’t settle for what others think you should be, do or have. Be who YOU are. Do what YOU are called to do. Live YOUR purpose! And when you are willing to do those things you will find you have all you need to achieve more than you could ever dream!

Blessings!

Living Through the Wounds

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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of living where you are, in spite of the wounds you have caused or how you may have been wounded by others.  I’ve talked before about how important it is for us not to hide.  It is so important that we show ourselves.  It is the only way to combat the isolation that drives most of us to the brink of insanity.  Don’t be afraid of your wounds.  We are all wounded in some way and anyone who says otherwise is lying to you.

I keep coming back to a bible story in Mark 5:1-19 that really touched me a few years ago.  There was a possessed man who was living among the tombs.  The people of the town he called “home” had rejected, ostracized and thrown him out to fend for himself.  He had become violent, crazy and frightening to the “normal” people of the town.  They had even put him in cuffs and chained him but he was so out of his head that he had broken them.  shutterstock_71090605They didn’t want him, so here he was living out in the tombs…naked and totally out of his mind.  He cried out and even cut himself trying to get relief.  Nothing helped.  Nothing worked.  So Jesus comes through and heals him by casting out his demons into a bunch of pigs that ended up killing themselves.  When the people saw this man sitting there dressed and in his right mind, it actually scared them!  They were not convinced the change in him was real.  The man‘s reaction to this amazing event is totally understandable.  He was SO incredibly thankful for his restoration that all he wanted to do was to go with Jesus, to follow Him wherever He went and to serve Him.  His motives were pure!  We would applaud His desire to go with Jesus but the story tells us Jesus told him No and to instead go home and tell others what had happened to him.  For most, the story ends there but I see so much more.

You see, it’s easier for us to be different or become a better version of ourselves if we go somewhere that people don’t know us or our history.  We can choose what to share with them from our past and paint a prettier picture of who we are.  shutterstock_76320961It’s easier to start over somewhere else not only because we are with people we haven’t wounded, but also with people who haven’t wounded us.  Restoration of our selves is easy because it is between us and God.  Restoration of our relationships or influence is much more difficult because it involves others.  When Jesus told this man to go home, it was to a much different situation than comes to mind for most of us.  If it was me, I might not be happy about having to stay where I am but I have a good life, friends and family here.  Going home for this man, to HIS situation, would have been much more difficult.  He was going to have to be with people who had wounded him and thrown him away.   He was going to have to face people he had wounded or scared.  He would have to face things HE had done and said – some he might remember and some he might not.  Why would anyone even listen to him when he proclaimed what God had done for him and how his life had changed?  Why would they believe him?  The truth is they probably wouldn’t!  It might take years to overcome his past because these people KNEW him!!

It’s much easier for us to go to people we don’t know than to those who know us and have seen our faults.  BUT to live where we are – through the difficulties – is where we have the most influence in the long run.  When people who know us or have seen us at our worst finally see the change in our lives and understand that we have truly changed, then it is different.  It has a much deeper impact than if they simply heard stories of where or how we used to be and how we came out of it.  Just like this man, it may take a long time, yes – even years, for people to finally see us as we are instead of how we used to be.  shutterstock_93000241Some may never be able to let go of their old visions of us but it doesn’t matter.  We cannot force them to open their eyes but it is still up to us to live where we are planted.  It isn’t always easy, especially when there are wounds involved (ours or the ones we may have inflicted on others) but if you really want to change the world, start with yourself.  And then be willing to humbly stand strong even if it takes a while for the world around you to finally see things differently too.  Be humble.  Be honest.  Be open.  Be forgiving.  Be you…and trust that sometimes perspectives can only be changed with time.  

Blessings! 

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(Here is the text of the story from the book of Mark:  “They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes.[a] 2 When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3 This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. 4 For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5 Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.  6 When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7 He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” 8 For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!” 9 Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”  “My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” 10 And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.  11 A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12 The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” 13 He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.  14 Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. 15 When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. 16 Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. 17 Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.  18 As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. 19 Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”)

When The Answer Is “No”

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shutterstock_93898726Life is full of desires.  We are all faced with decisions regarding the things we want.  We pray for things – even noble things – and sometimes the answer is “yes” and we are thrilled at the result.  Sometimes the answer is “wait” and we struggle with the period of time between what we want and the fulfillment of that desire.  Waiting is never easy.  Then there are times the answer is “no” and we are disappointed and even discouraged.  “No” is an answer we rarely want to hear.

I recently experienced a huge “NO” in my life.  My husband and I always wanted to have children but from the beginning of our relationship we knew we would be unable to have them biologically.  We researched infertility treatments but believed it was not the path we were to pursue so it left us with adoption.  We researched and dabbled in the adoption world but realized we weren’t wired to deal with the many issues that came with it.  We tried to accept the fact that being full-time parents was not part of the perfect plan for our lives and thought we had moved on.  Over the past ten years or so, there have been several occasions where we thought we were going to be able to adopt a child through situations close to home but every one seemed to fall through for one reason or another.  It was devastating each time and we swore we would not open our hearts again.  shutterstock_46364836Then recently the subject again surfaced when we found there was a situation where a very young child would need a home.  For almost two weeks we prayed and struggled with what we were supposed to do.  It was a grueling and gut-wrenching time but we eventually had total clarity on the answer….and it was “No.”  It wasn’t just “no” to this situation but “no” to whether or not we are to be full-time parents.  It doesn’t mean we won’t take full advantage of the opportunities to still affect the lives of children as God weaves them in and out of our lives; It simply means we have finally accepted the path we are meant be on.   I would be lying if I told you we are entirely happy with the answer.  We have complete and TOTAL peace with the fact we know what the answer is.  We have not yet reached the place of total peace with the answer itself because it did not coincide with our desires, but that will come in time.

Having peace when the answer is “no” is not always easy.  In our humanity, we often question why.  We get confused.  We get discouraged and depressed.  We get angry.  We struggle to let go of whatever it was we desired because somehow we think we know what is better for us than the One who created us!  It isn’t wrong to want things and it isn’t wrong to pursue them with all your heart and energy.  But when you come to the place where you have clarity in the finality of an answer, the best reaction is to be thankful for that clarity, regardless of the answer.  “Yes” is sometimes just as difficult and scary to accept as “No.”  shutterstock_57821509The best place we can ever be with the decisions in our lives is to have CLARITY!  The problem most of us have is that when the clarity conflicts with what we want, we begin trying to find ways to make what we want fit the clarity.  We search for another angle or another facet that we can use to rationalize going in a direction opposite of the answer instead of accepting it.  As a result, we end up with only more confusion in our lives and then wonder why God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers when the reality is – we aren’t listening to the answers!

So for today, I am thankful.  I am thankful for clarity and yes, I am even thankful for the many times the answer has been “No.”  You see, when the answer is “no” to one thing, it simply means God has something even more amazing in store for us.  The pain of “no” heals in time and it is replaced with a joy and peace that truly does “pass all understanding.”  And when that time arrives, we can look back and see just how perfectly everything was worked out ultimately for our good.

Blessings!

“I Have No Life!”

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shutterstock_79823446How many times have you found yourself uttering those words?  I must admit, even though I have been blessed greatly, there are days I feel like I life I have no life.  My husband and I weren’t able to have children so we haven’t ever had the camaraderie that exists between couples who attend their kid’s events, etc.  We’ve had friends who have children but over time it ended up that we were always the ones making concessions on what to do, or where to do it since it was easier for us to pick up and go somewhere than it was for others to pack up the kids and then be constantly watching the time so the kids weren’t out too late.  You would think as we got older some of this would subside but it really didn’t because it wasn’t long before our friends started having grandkids.  Once that happens, all bets are off.  Then there are the friends who seem to constantly be on the run with activities or dealing with the drama in the lives of those around them.  Whatever the circumstances, I look around me and think, “I have no life.”

It’s hard when you spend your life always trying to cater to the people around you.  Even if you do it by choice out of sincere love for them, there are days when it can wear on you.  For me, I have this thing about not being a burden to others or infringing on their time and such.  I want the people around me to enjoy life to the fullest and, as a result, don’t want to interrupt their busy days or keep them from doing something else they have planned.  Of course, then I sit at home by myself and start feeling sad because it seems more and more that I don’t fit into their schedules…even though they would normally welcome the “interruption” and be glad to connect.  It may sound like I’m whining, but hang with me for a few more minutes.girlfriends

When you look at other people and it seems they are living life to the fullest, it can be difficult to realize that it also feels as though you are not important enough for them to make time for you.  Whether it is the truth or not doesn’t really matter because perception can be a powerful thing in our lives.  Is it really that they don’t have time for us or is it simply that we keep trying so hard to not be demanding or selfish that we fall over ourselves in order to feel totally alone?  It seems so counterproductive!  So what is it that makes us look at others and think they don’t care enough about us to initiate conversations or activities?  These are the times we need to stop and look within.  I’m not saying there aren’t people who will take advantage of you or take everything you are willing to give them without ever giving it a second thought, but more often than not, the problem rests within us and not with them.

For most women, we are taught that we should not get angry or upset.  We are taught to be agreeable and always put others first.  We are also taught this as Christians.  (“Prefer one another.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.”) silence Everywhere we look we seem to get the message that wanting or needing something for ourselves is selfish.  We are taught that standing up for what is right for us is selfish.  We are taught that our needs are less important than the needs of others.  This thinking is hammered into our brains over and over in life and then we wonder why we feel so drained.  We find ourselves feeling unimportant or even used by the people in our lives.  The truth is that our wants and needs are important too!  It doesn’t make you a bad person if you choose to pursue the things in life that make you happy.  It doesn’t make you a terrible Christian if you say “no”sometimes to people or activities that deplete your energy.  It doesn’t make you selfish to stand up for yourself and be who you are created to be, which includes respecting your own needs and desires!  It doesn’t mean you are the center of the universe, but it does mean that in order for you to be the best you can be, you have to learn to feed yourself.

“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.”  We’ve all heard that quote but look at it from this perspective:  If you constantly rely on someone else to make you feel loved, then you will feel loved only for a short while.  If you learn to love yourself and be kind and gentle with yourself first, then you will feel loved for a lifetime.  We need to stop looking to the world around us to make us feel like we “have a life.”  We need to simply step up to the plate and CREATE the life we desire.

If that means burning the old tapes repeatedly playing in our heads that tell us we are selfish for taking care of ourselves, then strike a match and let’s watch them burn!

fire

Blessings!

Come Out! Come Out Wherever You Are!

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Hide and SeekI loved playing outside as a kid.  We often made up our own games but we also played many of the “traditional” games like Red Rover Red Rover, Mother May I, Tag or Hide and Seek (Wow! I am really starting to date myself here!)  It’s so sad to see our kids today planted behind video games or television and missing out on some of the great fun that can be had goofing off during these games… but I digress.  Playing hide and seek as a kid, there would come a point where someone had been caught and was now “it.”  The call would then go out, “Come out! Come out wherever you are!”  It was a signal to everyone else that the risk was gone and they were free to come out of hiding because it was safe.  I can’t say we always came out of hiding with total confidence because, in our circle of friends, you sometimes weren’t sure if it was really ok to come out or if someone was trying to trick you into coming out so they could pounce on you.  It made me think of how we grow up doing the same things with our lives that we did in hide and seek as a child.

Hiding can sometimes be a useful tool.  It allows us to self-protect when we are enduring difficult circumstances.  We are able to retreat and take time to settle our fears and regain some of our strength but when we begin to hide out of habit, it creates difficulties we cannot even imagine.  I have always appeared to be an open book but those few people who have caught glimpses into the hidden pages of my world understand just how different it can be at times.  Past hurts sometimes cause us to react without thinking.  We learn to engage others in ways that minimize their ability to hurt us, or so we think.  For some of us, we learn it is easier to take care of others than to let ourselves need something and then be disappointed.  Over time, we establish patterns of one-sided intimacy with the people in our lives.  We provide support for others, care for them, and even love them deeply, without ever realizing our own need to be cared for in the same way.  It is good to give.  It is good to love but when we find ourselves relying on that love to allow us to hide the truth of who we are we have reached a point where our eyes must be opened.  This new sense of vision can be painful. Love maskThere was a time in my life when I realized that I had sometimes loved others in order to hide myself.  Please don’t misunderstand.  I truly loved these people.  My love for them goes deeper than I have words to express, and yet at the same time I used that love to help hide the depth of my own emotion and need.  I began to believe, through countless wounds, that the world around me was capable of being truly loved but not capable of truly loving me.  That fact never stopped me from loving.  It was impossible to stop me from loving but it was also impossible for me to clearly see just how much it hurt me at times to close my eyes to the truth beneath the surface. I have never used love as a weapon but I realize I have used it as a mask.  I have never loved expecting something in return but I have been guilty of believing I would never receive anything in return.  I have loved for love’s sake alone and yet realize there were times it became convenient to hide behind it.

It is painful to realize we must adjust our sights and begin to understand things we tried so hard to avoid in the past.  Mirrors are wonderful when we look our best but they can destroy our self-esteem for a while when we gaze into them unexpectedly and see areas we are lacking, areas that need attention.  It is easier to not look or easier to only look when we know we have made ourselves “presentable.”  We can then look piously into the glass of self-acceptance that will last only as long as our masks remain intact.  True self-acceptance will only come when we learn to trust what we see when our reflection presents itself unexpectedly and then resolve within ourselves to understand and change it at its most primitive level.

woman on cliffSo just as the words rang out when we were children, I call to you now: “Come out!  Come out wherever you are!”  You don’t have to spend your life in hiding, waiting for someone to find you.  You can proudly step out into the sun and be exactly who you are.  When you do, you will find you are the only one who has the power to truly set yourself free.

Blessings!