Tag Archives: perspective

When The Answer Is “No”

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shutterstock_93898726Life is full of desires.  We are all faced with decisions regarding the things we want.  We pray for things – even noble things – and sometimes the answer is “yes” and we are thrilled at the result.  Sometimes the answer is “wait” and we struggle with the period of time between what we want and the fulfillment of that desire.  Waiting is never easy.  Then there are times the answer is “no” and we are disappointed and even discouraged.  “No” is an answer we rarely want to hear.

I recently experienced a huge “NO” in my life.  My husband and I always wanted to have children but from the beginning of our relationship we knew we would be unable to have them biologically.  We researched infertility treatments but believed it was not the path we were to pursue so it left us with adoption.  We researched and dabbled in the adoption world but realized we weren’t wired to deal with the many issues that came with it.  We tried to accept the fact that being full-time parents was not part of the perfect plan for our lives and thought we had moved on.  Over the past ten years or so, there have been several occasions where we thought we were going to be able to adopt a child through situations close to home but every one seemed to fall through for one reason or another.  It was devastating each time and we swore we would not open our hearts again.  shutterstock_46364836Then recently the subject again surfaced when we found there was a situation where a very young child would need a home.  For almost two weeks we prayed and struggled with what we were supposed to do.  It was a grueling and gut-wrenching time but we eventually had total clarity on the answer….and it was “No.”  It wasn’t just “no” to this situation but “no” to whether or not we are to be full-time parents.  It doesn’t mean we won’t take full advantage of the opportunities to still affect the lives of children as God weaves them in and out of our lives; It simply means we have finally accepted the path we are meant be on.   I would be lying if I told you we are entirely happy with the answer.  We have complete and TOTAL peace with the fact we know what the answer is.  We have not yet reached the place of total peace with the answer itself because it did not coincide with our desires, but that will come in time.

Having peace when the answer is “no” is not always easy.  In our humanity, we often question why.  We get confused.  We get discouraged and depressed.  We get angry.  We struggle to let go of whatever it was we desired because somehow we think we know what is better for us than the One who created us!  It isn’t wrong to want things and it isn’t wrong to pursue them with all your heart and energy.  But when you come to the place where you have clarity in the finality of an answer, the best reaction is to be thankful for that clarity, regardless of the answer.  “Yes” is sometimes just as difficult and scary to accept as “No.”  shutterstock_57821509The best place we can ever be with the decisions in our lives is to have CLARITY!  The problem most of us have is that when the clarity conflicts with what we want, we begin trying to find ways to make what we want fit the clarity.  We search for another angle or another facet that we can use to rationalize going in a direction opposite of the answer instead of accepting it.  As a result, we end up with only more confusion in our lives and then wonder why God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers when the reality is – we aren’t listening to the answers!

So for today, I am thankful.  I am thankful for clarity and yes, I am even thankful for the many times the answer has been “No.”  You see, when the answer is “no” to one thing, it simply means God has something even more amazing in store for us.  The pain of “no” heals in time and it is replaced with a joy and peace that truly does “pass all understanding.”  And when that time arrives, we can look back and see just how perfectly everything was worked out ultimately for our good.

Blessings!

“I Have No Life!”

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shutterstock_79823446How many times have you found yourself uttering those words?  I must admit, even though I have been blessed greatly, there are days I feel like I life I have no life.  My husband and I weren’t able to have children so we haven’t ever had the camaraderie that exists between couples who attend their kid’s events, etc.  We’ve had friends who have children but over time it ended up that we were always the ones making concessions on what to do, or where to do it since it was easier for us to pick up and go somewhere than it was for others to pack up the kids and then be constantly watching the time so the kids weren’t out too late.  You would think as we got older some of this would subside but it really didn’t because it wasn’t long before our friends started having grandkids.  Once that happens, all bets are off.  Then there are the friends who seem to constantly be on the run with activities or dealing with the drama in the lives of those around them.  Whatever the circumstances, I look around me and think, “I have no life.”

It’s hard when you spend your life always trying to cater to the people around you.  Even if you do it by choice out of sincere love for them, there are days when it can wear on you.  For me, I have this thing about not being a burden to others or infringing on their time and such.  I want the people around me to enjoy life to the fullest and, as a result, don’t want to interrupt their busy days or keep them from doing something else they have planned.  Of course, then I sit at home by myself and start feeling sad because it seems more and more that I don’t fit into their schedules…even though they would normally welcome the “interruption” and be glad to connect.  It may sound like I’m whining, but hang with me for a few more minutes.girlfriends

When you look at other people and it seems they are living life to the fullest, it can be difficult to realize that it also feels as though you are not important enough for them to make time for you.  Whether it is the truth or not doesn’t really matter because perception can be a powerful thing in our lives.  Is it really that they don’t have time for us or is it simply that we keep trying so hard to not be demanding or selfish that we fall over ourselves in order to feel totally alone?  It seems so counterproductive!  So what is it that makes us look at others and think they don’t care enough about us to initiate conversations or activities?  These are the times we need to stop and look within.  I’m not saying there aren’t people who will take advantage of you or take everything you are willing to give them without ever giving it a second thought, but more often than not, the problem rests within us and not with them.

For most women, we are taught that we should not get angry or upset.  We are taught to be agreeable and always put others first.  We are also taught this as Christians.  (“Prefer one another.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.”) silence Everywhere we look we seem to get the message that wanting or needing something for ourselves is selfish.  We are taught that standing up for what is right for us is selfish.  We are taught that our needs are less important than the needs of others.  This thinking is hammered into our brains over and over in life and then we wonder why we feel so drained.  We find ourselves feeling unimportant or even used by the people in our lives.  The truth is that our wants and needs are important too!  It doesn’t make you a bad person if you choose to pursue the things in life that make you happy.  It doesn’t make you a terrible Christian if you say “no”sometimes to people or activities that deplete your energy.  It doesn’t make you selfish to stand up for yourself and be who you are created to be, which includes respecting your own needs and desires!  It doesn’t mean you are the center of the universe, but it does mean that in order for you to be the best you can be, you have to learn to feed yourself.

“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.”  We’ve all heard that quote but look at it from this perspective:  If you constantly rely on someone else to make you feel loved, then you will feel loved only for a short while.  If you learn to love yourself and be kind and gentle with yourself first, then you will feel loved for a lifetime.  We need to stop looking to the world around us to make us feel like we “have a life.”  We need to simply step up to the plate and CREATE the life we desire.

If that means burning the old tapes repeatedly playing in our heads that tell us we are selfish for taking care of ourselves, then strike a match and let’s watch them burn!

fire

Blessings!

Come Out! Come Out Wherever You Are!

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Hide and SeekI loved playing outside as a kid.  We often made up our own games but we also played many of the “traditional” games like Red Rover Red Rover, Mother May I, Tag or Hide and Seek (Wow! I am really starting to date myself here!)  It’s so sad to see our kids today planted behind video games or television and missing out on some of the great fun that can be had goofing off during these games… but I digress.  Playing hide and seek as a kid, there would come a point where someone had been caught and was now “it.”  The call would then go out, “Come out! Come out wherever you are!”  It was a signal to everyone else that the risk was gone and they were free to come out of hiding because it was safe.  I can’t say we always came out of hiding with total confidence because, in our circle of friends, you sometimes weren’t sure if it was really ok to come out or if someone was trying to trick you into coming out so they could pounce on you.  It made me think of how we grow up doing the same things with our lives that we did in hide and seek as a child.

Hiding can sometimes be a useful tool.  It allows us to self-protect when we are enduring difficult circumstances.  We are able to retreat and take time to settle our fears and regain some of our strength but when we begin to hide out of habit, it creates difficulties we cannot even imagine.  I have always appeared to be an open book but those few people who have caught glimpses into the hidden pages of my world understand just how different it can be at times.  Past hurts sometimes cause us to react without thinking.  We learn to engage others in ways that minimize their ability to hurt us, or so we think.  For some of us, we learn it is easier to take care of others than to let ourselves need something and then be disappointed.  Over time, we establish patterns of one-sided intimacy with the people in our lives.  We provide support for others, care for them, and even love them deeply, without ever realizing our own need to be cared for in the same way.  It is good to give.  It is good to love but when we find ourselves relying on that love to allow us to hide the truth of who we are we have reached a point where our eyes must be opened.  This new sense of vision can be painful. Love maskThere was a time in my life when I realized that I had sometimes loved others in order to hide myself.  Please don’t misunderstand.  I truly loved these people.  My love for them goes deeper than I have words to express, and yet at the same time I used that love to help hide the depth of my own emotion and need.  I began to believe, through countless wounds, that the world around me was capable of being truly loved but not capable of truly loving me.  That fact never stopped me from loving.  It was impossible to stop me from loving but it was also impossible for me to clearly see just how much it hurt me at times to close my eyes to the truth beneath the surface. I have never used love as a weapon but I realize I have used it as a mask.  I have never loved expecting something in return but I have been guilty of believing I would never receive anything in return.  I have loved for love’s sake alone and yet realize there were times it became convenient to hide behind it.

It is painful to realize we must adjust our sights and begin to understand things we tried so hard to avoid in the past.  Mirrors are wonderful when we look our best but they can destroy our self-esteem for a while when we gaze into them unexpectedly and see areas we are lacking, areas that need attention.  It is easier to not look or easier to only look when we know we have made ourselves “presentable.”  We can then look piously into the glass of self-acceptance that will last only as long as our masks remain intact.  True self-acceptance will only come when we learn to trust what we see when our reflection presents itself unexpectedly and then resolve within ourselves to understand and change it at its most primitive level.

woman on cliffSo just as the words rang out when we were children, I call to you now: “Come out!  Come out wherever you are!”  You don’t have to spend your life in hiding, waiting for someone to find you.  You can proudly step out into the sun and be exactly who you are.  When you do, you will find you are the only one who has the power to truly set yourself free.

Blessings!

The Perfect Gift at the Perfect Time

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Desertion...whether real or perceived...whether intentional or not...feels just the same.

Last week I posted a picture I had painted and added the following caption: “Desertion – whether real or perceived…whether intentional or not…feels just the same.”  That may sound like I’m about to start whining but I’m not.  If you’ve read the “About Me” page, you know I am not wired like most of the people around me.  My brain chemistry allows me to experience wonderful moments of great creativity and passion and gives me both the desire and ability to express what is contained in the depths of my soul.   It also has the potential for dragging me into places from which it is very difficult to crawl out.  I spent the past couple of weeks trying to walk uphill on a slippery slope until I finally gave in and tumbled down into the dark.  It didn’t matter that I knew I had support from those who love me because my wiring, coupled with my circumstances, had overshadowed my knowledge with a feeling of loneliness I couldn’t seem to escape.

So often we get stuck in the midst of our difficulties.  It is human nature for us to falter and stumble in spite of what we know to be true.  For me, I know God is in control but when it comes down to it, I often don’t truly trust Him to take care of me.  We don’t have the ability to see down the road so we scramble, plan and try to rely on our own strength to work things out.  We can’t see ahead and know what God has in store for our lives but HE knows.  He knows the blessings He has in store for us even though we can’t imagine them.  He knows what exciting things He is going to bring to us down the road even though today our life may seem overshadowed with difficulty or depressive days.

As I reflected on these things, I was struck with the image of a father who has an incredible gift for his child and can’t wait for the child to unwrap it.

Giving gift

We can all relate to times when we can hardly wait to give something to someone because we know it is just the “perfect” gift.  It’s hard for us to have it in our possession and not give it to them prematurely because we know how much it will mean to them.  It’s hard to watch them have to wait and possibly even be sad as they think we have forgotten to get them something. Then I think of our Heavenly Father knowing the journey of our lives before we even take our first breath and knowing all He has in store for us.  As He watches the ebb and flow of our lives as His children, He sees the struggles we face but He knows what’s coming.  He feels our tears but He knows what’s coming.  In spite of how hard it may be to watch us succeed and fail, or learn the lessons we must, He knows what’s coming and He knows it is GREAT!  He has an incredible gift in store for us and can hardly wait for us to be able to unwrap it…when the time is right.  I imagine Him looking at us and thinking, “I know it’s difficult right now but if you could just see what is about to come into your world, you would be SO excited.  It is going to amaze you!”  And yet we spend so many of our days trying to just get through the things in our lives.  We struggle with our faith and often have difficulty believing God is even aware of how terrible we feel.  We forget He is always with us, guiding us to a place where He can share incredible blessings with us.  We think He has forgotten.  We forget how much He truly loves us.

And then it happens.

Blessing

We find ourselves with a blessing so great it seems almost miraculous.  We are stunned.  Our lives are changed.  We are thankful beyond words.  We are amazed.  We realize the struggles we have been dealing with were nothing more than layers of paper we had to unwrap in order to have such an incredible gift revealed to us.  What a wonderful moment for our Father when the time finally comes for us to receive what He had in store for us all along.  He gets to experience our sincere excitement and amazement at what He has done.  I can see Him sitting there, with love in His eyes asking “When are you going to understand that I am not only working everything together for your good, but to bring you to a place where I can give you amazing things?”  These are the moments when most of us are brought to our knees in gratitude, which causes us to realize how weak our faith has become, which then brings us to a place of humility where we remember again that God really IS control and will stop at nothing to give us an abundant life…no matter what it takes.

Sometimes I think that is the greater gift.

Blessings!

One of “Those” Days

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FrustratedYesterday I had one of “those” kinds of days.  You know the kind I’m talking about: You wake up late, rush to get dressed and grab some type of makeshift breakfast.  Then you take off for work and get behind a slow driver who tests the limits of your patience.  Your lunch hour is filled with personal errands so you have to stop and grab something at a mini-mart for lunch.  Work seems to be nothing but putting out fire after fire with no break at all in the madness.  Then you finally head for home (after working late, of course) to tackle all the personal things you need to get done but things just keep going wrong.  You try to limit the negativity in your home but just can’t stand the thought that anyone around you is taking time to rest or goof off instead of doing things in the house that need to be done (dishes, laundry, you name it)!  Yep, yesterday was one of those days.  I even got mad at my husband because he just didn’t seem to share my irritation over things cluttering up the kitchen and living room.  Was it a terrible mess?  No, not at all, but I had absolutely had enough!

Days like yesterday test more than just my patience.  They often wear me down and drain me of what seems like the last drop of energy I may ever have.  Yes, I realize that is an exaggeration but it sure feels that way at times.  As I stood over the kitchen sink doing dishes, I couldn’t help but think of all the times I have let unmet expectations drag me into the mire of anger and disappointment.  Half EmptyUnmet expectations not only have the ability to create a frustrating day, they can also drag us into a depressive funk that can linger on for hours, days, weeks or even months at a time.  It can become a cycle that begins to feed on itself.  Soon we find ourselves viewing everything in a negative light or with a defeatist attitude.  We start believing things never work out or that the good things really are “too good to be true” instead of celebrating the positive things in life.

All of us have expectations of the people in our lives and the world around us.  We expect others to be respectful.  We expect to be loved by the people we love.  We expect honesty and compassion.  We expect all kinds of things but sometimes we fail to see our expectations realized.  I used to think it didn’t matter if my expectations were met.  I also lived many years feeling as if I didn’t have the right to expect anything from anyone.  It seemed selfish to expect things from others so I lived not only with the disappointment of being let down but also the guilt of having expected anything in the first place.  Ugh…a double hit to the psyche!  I am positive I’m not the only one who has struggled with this mindset at times.

Being let down by others is a reality of life.  For me, I realized just how much my expectations of others were based on how I treated them or expressed my love and care for them.  We’ve all been taught the “Golden Rule” – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  It sounds fair, right?  Golden Rule picWhat we miss in that verse is that it says “as you would have them do unto you.”  It doesn’t guarantee that our treatment of others (or the world around us) will cause us to get the same in return.  It doesn’t say if we are nice and helpful that people will be the same toward us.  It doesn’t say if we put others first they will put us first and it doesn’t say if we love them they will love us as well.  It calls us to a higher plane that keeps us from wasting our energy seeking reciprocity OR retribution! We are all imperfect human beings and our imperfections lead us to sometimes having unrealistic expectations of others.  Those imperfections also cause us to sometimes be unable to live up to the expectations of those around us. (I’ll talk about that aspect more at a later time!)   I’ve been let down by people I thought were capable of certain behaviors and responses only to find out later that they just weren’t wired that way.  I have been there to support, love and care for people who have been oblivious to the times when I have been the one to need the same love and care.  It hurts deeply when we feel like our relationships or endeavors in life are one-sided, even if the reality is they are more equal than we are able see when we are hurting or upset.  We will be disappointed in life but if we let our disappointment become the fuel for more darkness in our world then the darkness wins! Let’s go back and look at my day again with a new perspective:

  • I woke up late…..becomes….I am alive.
  • I got stuck behind slow drivers….becomes…I have a reliable means to get to where I’m going.
  • Lunch was filled with errands and mini-mart food…becomes…I am fortunate that I can take care of personal matters during the day instead of trying to do it after hours.  Mini-mart food may not be my first choice, but I am grateful to have something to eat.
  • Work was full of “fires.” …becomes…I have a good job with a good company in this very difficult economy. 
  • I got home late…becomes…I have a place to call “home” that is safe and warm.
  • My husband irritated me…becomes…I have someone who loves and accepts me as I am.  

spotlight warmIt’s amazing how different things appear when we turn on the light of the truth and shine it on the darkness of our earthly perspective!   I could say “shame on me” for letting the day get the best of me but instead I choose to say “I’m human.”  Thank God today is another day!

Blessings!