The Perfect Gift at the Perfect Time

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Desertion...whether real or perceived...whether intentional or not...feels just the same.

Last week I posted a picture I had painted and added the following caption: “Desertion – whether real or perceived…whether intentional or not…feels just the same.”  That may sound like I’m about to start whining but I’m not.  If you’ve read the “About Me” page, you know I am not wired like most of the people around me.  My brain chemistry allows me to experience wonderful moments of great creativity and passion and gives me both the desire and ability to express what is contained in the depths of my soul.   It also has the potential for dragging me into places from which it is very difficult to crawl out.  I spent the past couple of weeks trying to walk uphill on a slippery slope until I finally gave in and tumbled down into the dark.  It didn’t matter that I knew I had support from those who love me because my wiring, coupled with my circumstances, had overshadowed my knowledge with a feeling of loneliness I couldn’t seem to escape.

So often we get stuck in the midst of our difficulties.  It is human nature for us to falter and stumble in spite of what we know to be true.  For me, I know God is in control but when it comes down to it, I often don’t truly trust Him to take care of me.  We don’t have the ability to see down the road so we scramble, plan and try to rely on our own strength to work things out.  We can’t see ahead and know what God has in store for our lives but HE knows.  He knows the blessings He has in store for us even though we can’t imagine them.  He knows what exciting things He is going to bring to us down the road even though today our life may seem overshadowed with difficulty or depressive days.

As I reflected on these things, I was struck with the image of a father who has an incredible gift for his child and can’t wait for the child to unwrap it.

Giving gift

We can all relate to times when we can hardly wait to give something to someone because we know it is just the “perfect” gift.  It’s hard for us to have it in our possession and not give it to them prematurely because we know how much it will mean to them.  It’s hard to watch them have to wait and possibly even be sad as they think we have forgotten to get them something. Then I think of our Heavenly Father knowing the journey of our lives before we even take our first breath and knowing all He has in store for us.  As He watches the ebb and flow of our lives as His children, He sees the struggles we face but He knows what’s coming.  He feels our tears but He knows what’s coming.  In spite of how hard it may be to watch us succeed and fail, or learn the lessons we must, He knows what’s coming and He knows it is GREAT!  He has an incredible gift in store for us and can hardly wait for us to be able to unwrap it…when the time is right.  I imagine Him looking at us and thinking, “I know it’s difficult right now but if you could just see what is about to come into your world, you would be SO excited.  It is going to amaze you!”  And yet we spend so many of our days trying to just get through the things in our lives.  We struggle with our faith and often have difficulty believing God is even aware of how terrible we feel.  We forget He is always with us, guiding us to a place where He can share incredible blessings with us.  We think He has forgotten.  We forget how much He truly loves us.

And then it happens.

Blessing

We find ourselves with a blessing so great it seems almost miraculous.  We are stunned.  Our lives are changed.  We are thankful beyond words.  We are amazed.  We realize the struggles we have been dealing with were nothing more than layers of paper we had to unwrap in order to have such an incredible gift revealed to us.  What a wonderful moment for our Father when the time finally comes for us to receive what He had in store for us all along.  He gets to experience our sincere excitement and amazement at what He has done.  I can see Him sitting there, with love in His eyes asking “When are you going to understand that I am not only working everything together for your good, but to bring you to a place where I can give you amazing things?”  These are the moments when most of us are brought to our knees in gratitude, which causes us to realize how weak our faith has become, which then brings us to a place of humility where we remember again that God really IS control and will stop at nothing to give us an abundant life…no matter what it takes.

Sometimes I think that is the greater gift.

Blessings!

How We Said Goodbye

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Annette ct compressedSixteen years ago today I lost the dearest friend I had ever had. Her presence in my life and the relationship we shared is the very reason I have such incredibly rich relationships with other people today. She changed me. We changed each other. Together we learned how to trust completely and what a difference it can make when you know there is someone who supports and loves you without judgment or condition. We were honest, brutally so at times. We laughed and cried. We shared everything. We LIVED!

Annette was a beautiful human being and even though she fought fiercely to keep her broken moments from the world around her, I found them to be beautiful. When cancer struck our lives, she fought it with all she had. We fought it together every step of the way. Our relationship became even more important as we battled this terrible disease together. Neither of us was married or had children and I believe God knew exactly what He was doing by allowing us to be able to focus on each other as we traveled the road together. People can think or whisper whatever they want, but Annette and I knew the complete and pure bond we shared.

Annette bap compressed I miss Annette. Today I miss her as deeply as if it was the moment I lost her 16 years ago. Some years are just like that. I am so thankful for the gift God gave to me in – and through – Annette. It is what drove me to begin writing the book “How We Said Goodbye.” It is a story that needs to finally be told in its entirety. I have always said that my relationship with Annette was the most beautifully painful experience of my life and it is true but I would not trade it for anything.

So today I remember. I remember everything good even though it brings tears. I remember the beauty, though it feels like the rain is falling. Love is just that way.

How We Said Goodbye – Introduction:

“They say life throws us curves when we least expect it. I suppose that’s true. Sometimes those curves can be wonderful but sometimes they are devastating. One thing I have learned in my life is it is better not to know what the future holds. If we knew of the things we were going to have to endure in life, most of us would shrink within the confines of our homes or even our own souls. Not knowing what tomorrow holds frees us to live completely for today. It gives us license to embrace the world around us because tomorrow it may all be gone. When we allow ourselves to live with open arms, we create opportunities to receive more than we can ever dream. Yes, there will be pain, but in time the pain fades and leaves beautiful memories of amazing experiences we didn’t recognize as we were living them.

Goodbyes are always the most difficult and painful part of life. Loss comes in so many different ways, but when our goodbyes are the result of losing someone we love, we must remember how blessed we were to have ever had them at all.

I never would have dreamed that saying “Goodbye” could be one of life’s greatest and richest blessings, but I have lived it first-hand. Here is our story…”

One of “Those” Days

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FrustratedYesterday I had one of “those” kinds of days.  You know the kind I’m talking about: You wake up late, rush to get dressed and grab some type of makeshift breakfast.  Then you take off for work and get behind a slow driver who tests the limits of your patience.  Your lunch hour is filled with personal errands so you have to stop and grab something at a mini-mart for lunch.  Work seems to be nothing but putting out fire after fire with no break at all in the madness.  Then you finally head for home (after working late, of course) to tackle all the personal things you need to get done but things just keep going wrong.  You try to limit the negativity in your home but just can’t stand the thought that anyone around you is taking time to rest or goof off instead of doing things in the house that need to be done (dishes, laundry, you name it)!  Yep, yesterday was one of those days.  I even got mad at my husband because he just didn’t seem to share my irritation over things cluttering up the kitchen and living room.  Was it a terrible mess?  No, not at all, but I had absolutely had enough!

Days like yesterday test more than just my patience.  They often wear me down and drain me of what seems like the last drop of energy I may ever have.  Yes, I realize that is an exaggeration but it sure feels that way at times.  As I stood over the kitchen sink doing dishes, I couldn’t help but think of all the times I have let unmet expectations drag me into the mire of anger and disappointment.  Half EmptyUnmet expectations not only have the ability to create a frustrating day, they can also drag us into a depressive funk that can linger on for hours, days, weeks or even months at a time.  It can become a cycle that begins to feed on itself.  Soon we find ourselves viewing everything in a negative light or with a defeatist attitude.  We start believing things never work out or that the good things really are “too good to be true” instead of celebrating the positive things in life.

All of us have expectations of the people in our lives and the world around us.  We expect others to be respectful.  We expect to be loved by the people we love.  We expect honesty and compassion.  We expect all kinds of things but sometimes we fail to see our expectations realized.  I used to think it didn’t matter if my expectations were met.  I also lived many years feeling as if I didn’t have the right to expect anything from anyone.  It seemed selfish to expect things from others so I lived not only with the disappointment of being let down but also the guilt of having expected anything in the first place.  Ugh…a double hit to the psyche!  I am positive I’m not the only one who has struggled with this mindset at times.

Being let down by others is a reality of life.  For me, I realized just how much my expectations of others were based on how I treated them or expressed my love and care for them.  We’ve all been taught the “Golden Rule” – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  It sounds fair, right?  Golden Rule picWhat we miss in that verse is that it says “as you would have them do unto you.”  It doesn’t guarantee that our treatment of others (or the world around us) will cause us to get the same in return.  It doesn’t say if we are nice and helpful that people will be the same toward us.  It doesn’t say if we put others first they will put us first and it doesn’t say if we love them they will love us as well.  It calls us to a higher plane that keeps us from wasting our energy seeking reciprocity OR retribution! We are all imperfect human beings and our imperfections lead us to sometimes having unrealistic expectations of others.  Those imperfections also cause us to sometimes be unable to live up to the expectations of those around us. (I’ll talk about that aspect more at a later time!)   I’ve been let down by people I thought were capable of certain behaviors and responses only to find out later that they just weren’t wired that way.  I have been there to support, love and care for people who have been oblivious to the times when I have been the one to need the same love and care.  It hurts deeply when we feel like our relationships or endeavors in life are one-sided, even if the reality is they are more equal than we are able see when we are hurting or upset.  We will be disappointed in life but if we let our disappointment become the fuel for more darkness in our world then the darkness wins! Let’s go back and look at my day again with a new perspective:

  • I woke up late…..becomes….I am alive.
  • I got stuck behind slow drivers….becomes…I have a reliable means to get to where I’m going.
  • Lunch was filled with errands and mini-mart food…becomes…I am fortunate that I can take care of personal matters during the day instead of trying to do it after hours.  Mini-mart food may not be my first choice, but I am grateful to have something to eat.
  • Work was full of “fires.” …becomes…I have a good job with a good company in this very difficult economy. 
  • I got home late…becomes…I have a place to call “home” that is safe and warm.
  • My husband irritated me…becomes…I have someone who loves and accepts me as I am.  

spotlight warmIt’s amazing how different things appear when we turn on the light of the truth and shine it on the darkness of our earthly perspective!   I could say “shame on me” for letting the day get the best of me but instead I choose to say “I’m human.”  Thank God today is another day!

Blessings!

What If…?

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Road TripI’ve never been a great “traveler.” Even as a child, when I would get out of my comfort zone, it was so stressful that I would become physically ill any time we went on vacation. Our family would be going on a trip to someplace wonderful and the morning of our departure, I would lock myself in the bathroom and ask to please be allowed to stay home. No matter how much I wanted to be where we were going or how excited I was, it was almost not worth it to endure the stress of getting where we were going. Over the years it never really subsided and it eventually became something that held me back and became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was so worried and stressed about becoming sick on a trip that the mere thought of a trip made me feel miserable physically. No doubt I missed out on a lot of wonderful experiences as a result of my worry and fear.

Our fears can be so very powerful that we not only miss out on great things, but we actually create situations where we feel much worse than necessary. Fears feed on themselves. We all know it but we often feel powerless to change it. For me, there were very valid physical reasons why I got sick as a child but eventually the risk of not feeling well when I traveled became the reason I felt sick. The risk of doing something out my comfort zone (in many ways beyond traveling) became paralyzing at times. All I could think was “what if.” What if something happened? What if I got sick? What if I needed help and was surrounded by strangers? The “what ifs” were so great that it clouded the positive benefits of the experience.

What IfWhen we fear something, all we see is the risk involved. Any potential benefits are far outweighed by what we worry might happen. When we focus on all that can go wrong, we miss out on the thrill of what it feels like when everything goes right. We then find ourselves living in a place where we trade the spectacular for the secure or the miraculous for the mundane. Days turn into years and we wake up one day and realize all the things we have missed because we have been too busy worrying what might happen.

I recently watched a documentary about an aircraft carrier and its crew. At one point, they were relating how difficult and terrifying it is to land an aircraft on a carrier at night. Visibility drops to almost zero and they have to rely totally on their instruments to guide them. Even the most experienced pilots said it didn’t matter how many times they had done it, every time still took their breath away. One officer said that if the pilots thought about the risks of what they are doing, they’d never do it because there are so many things that could go wrong. He mentioned how intense and important the training is and how sometimes things DO go wrong. He said, “When we can’t see and things fall apart, we wrap ourselves in a cocoon of procedures and checklists. If you think about the risk of what you’re doing, you’d never do it. Nobody in his right mind would do it.” We tend to look at these incredibly brave pilots as though they possess something inherently special that we don’t. Actually the difference is when they get scared or things fall apart, they rely on what they have been trained to do.

Aircraft CarrierAs I consider what this officer said about night landings, I could not help but think about how true it is for our lives, especially spiritually. We look around and see people doing great things or exhibiting great faith and tend to think God gave them some special trait or gift of courage that we have not received. The truth is these people have simply learned to wrap themselves in a cocoon of “procedures and checklists” when things go wrong that allow them to stand strong in spite of their fears. They rely on the truths they have been taught or the promises of God’s word. It is not an emotional reliance, but a literal and logical one. Facing our fears and moving forward is not about summoning grand amounts of courage, but it is relying on the things we know to be true. God has made his children some amazing promises, including that He will take care of us no matter the circumstances. We know this (and we believe it) but when things start falling apart, we panic instead of turning our focus to the “checklist” of truths we have been given. Training is not an easy process; ask any soldier. It is exhausting when we are pushed beyond our limits physically, mentally and emotionally but it is precisely what prepares us to be able to handle the most risky circumstances even though are knees are shaking! Learning the truths of life or of God’s word takes effort but it is the only way to create a priceless “cocoon of procedures and checklists” that allows us to land safely in the sweet spot of life we so greatly desire.

Silence Is Loud

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Cayucos Sunset

Recently a friend shared with me that her hope for 2013 was “to be still and listen to God.” I found that to be a very interesting and revealing statement. At a time of year when people are busy engaging in new activities and commitments, it was unusual (and refreshing) to hear someone say she hoped simply to be still and listen. This time of year causes many of us to become more active. We take up a new exercise regimen or make changes to our diets. We start new adventures. We want to DO something.

In our culture, we have reached a point where if we aren’t continually running at a frantic pace we think it somehow means we are lazy. We work ourselves to death at our jobs and at home. We spread ourselves far too thin because we just can’t say “no.” We take on projects – very worthy projects – even when we know we don’t actually have the energy to give them the focus they deserve. In those rare times we find ourselves just sitting down and relaxing, it is only moments before our minds are jumping to the next thing we need to do or accomplish. I have suffered from this way of thinking most of my life. My husband tells me all the time, “You just can’t sit down and relax for even a moment!” I hate to admit he’s right but he is. (I also hate that I just gave him ammunition for the next time I refuse to slow down!)

As believers, we do the same thing with our service to God. We think the more we do, the more pleasing we are to our heavenly Father. Nothing could be further from the truth. He doesn’t want us to be running about frantically trying to serve Him any more than we want to be doing it. He simply wants us to trust Him to take care of us. He wants us to rest in Him. He wants us to “be still and listen” to the still, small voice within that is continually guiding us down the path we should be on. When it is time for us to act, we will know it. Purposeful action is much different than taking action just so we can avoid the silence or being still.

Three Rivers

Stillness and silence are uncomfortable for most of us. Even in our conversations, we feel strange when there is a longer than normal pause between topics. We will talk about almost anything to avoid the sound of crickets chirping! No matter what area of our life it may be, silence feels awkward and we do all kinds of things with one purpose in mind – to get rid of it. Sometimes, when I am still and quiet, I don’t like what I hear. When I am still and quiet, it isn’t long before the stillness brings reflection and reflection can be painful. It is sometimes difficult but it can also be a catalyst for change or reveal our true direction.

I have to be honest with you, there have been many times in my life when I have engaged in activities (no matter how honorable the cause) because I thought no one else would step up to the plate. I’ve been in churches and community organizations where it seemed everyone was content in letting one or two people do all the work. Many of you can relate to this type of struggle. If I am really honest, I must say I have found it difficult at times to let go of the reins because I feared the resulting effect would be that nothing gets accomplished. Do you know what this says about me? It says I struggle trusting that others are as committed as I am. It says I believe no one could have a better idea than I do. It says I think I am so valuable that without me this project, church, friendship, or family will crumble. When I finally realized how arrogant this mindset is, it was difficult to swallow. I can assure you it did not go down easy!

It is a fine line we must walk. There is a delicate balance between the things we do and the reasons we do them. Too much activity and busyness in our life will drain us of peace, sanity and contentment. On the other hand, too much rest will drain us of our passion and sense of purpose. I’m a firm believer in leaping when it is time to leap but the only way we will know it is time to act is if we have been quiet, still and reflective. It is only when we have listened to the voice within that we can be sure we are ready to leap. Only then do we know which direction to leap and only then do we truly have the strength. It is important to realize that being able to act and leap comes first from a place where we have been able to let go, rest and listen.

So my friend who said she hoped to be still and listen in 2013 was a great reminder of how important it is to slow down in life. It is crucial we learn to rebel against the pace dictated to us by our society AND by ourselves! It is good to rest. It is good to take care of yourself not only physically but in every other way as well. It isn’t selfish and it isn’t lazy to do so! When we constantly focus on the next thing we need to accomplish, we are losing the blessing of THIS moment! This moment is all we have. It sounds cliché but yesterday really is gone and tomorrow may never come. There is no guarantee of even your next breath so slow down and enjoy it. Once it’s gone, you cannot get it back.

Open Arms

It is good for us to step back and let go of the control we often grasp at in life. When I am able to let go of trying to fulfill everyone else’s calling, then I am free to fully embrace and fulfill my own. And when find ourselves feeling like we have to “save” every project or organization we are involved in, it might be time to put on the brakes and get quiet for a little while. You might be surprised at who steps up from the shadows when you are willing to step out of the spotlight.

Blessings