“I’m Sorry.”

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Today was one of those days when you just want to crawl into a hole and smack anyone who comes near you.  It started with a painful dentist appointment then continued into a very stressful day at work.  My frustration level reached a point where I found it hard to contain my urge to whine (even internally) about several things before the day was over.  I kept trying to see the positive but it just kept getting overshadowed by the negative.  It is unusual for me to fall into that kind of pit of self-pity, but I am human too.

shutterstock_143837407We all endure times when we feel like everything we touch is a problem or everyone that comes to us wants something.  They say confession is good for the soul so…here it goes.  Stick with me for a few moments, because I promise this is going somewhere.  Sometimes I get frustrated with people who take me or what I do for granted.  I get tired of people who slip into a place where they stop trying to do anything for themselves or figure things out on their own before asking me to solve their issues for them.  I get drained sometimes by people who think just because I’m nice or truly WANT to help them that it gives them license to continually load me up with stuff to do.  It hurts me when I work so hard to do things for others, professionally or personally, and after a while, it just becomes the status quo.  I don’t do things so that people will pat me on the back or say thank you, but once in a while it might be nice for someone to realize that it truly does take effort to pay attention to the needs of others and that once in a while, I need something too.  It hurts my feelings that people think it’s a compliment or a sign of gratitude if they don’t have something negative to say.  I realize it IS a good thing, but don’t think I feel happy because you didn’t tell me I was doing less than satisfactory work professionally or personally.  More than that, don’t think that your silence makes me think I’ve done anything right or good.  Sometimes I need to hear it too.  I’m not superhuman and I don’t know everything.  Just because I’m calm doesn’t mean I’m not at my breaking point.  Sometimes I’m calm so that you can feel more stable.  Sometimes I’m strong because you need me to be.   But sometimes I need you to stop what you’re doing for a few moments and see me.   Sometimes I need you to understand that just because I don’t complain doesn’t mean what I do is easy.

shutterstock_125574653Everything I just said is true.  I don’t often feel that way, and I certainly don’t normally say those things openly, but today I felt it was important.  A few days ago I posted about the gratitude meltdown I had a week ago…and today I somehow lost sight of it.  I let my circumstances get the best of me and crumbled a bit under the pressure of life.  I let my frustration show and even vented a little about certain things that were under my skin…and I am sorry.  Yes, I’m human, but I didn’t feel good about it when I was doing it and I certainly didn’t feel good afterward.  There was some measure of relief in saying some things out loud, but then I immediately felt guilty for doing so.  It isn’t wrong to feel what we feel in life; what’s important is how we respond to it.   I did not choose the best response – not outwardly or inwardly.  I gave up and was ready to quit everything.  What a shame.

So in this season of gratitude, I find myself feeling the need to say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for forgetting how much I am loved by people who never say it.  I’m sorry for not appreciating the fact I have a job when so many people in this country are struggling to find work.  I’m sorry for whining (even internally) about being taken for granted when I should be honored that people feel comfortable to come to me.  I’m sorry for not speaking up and being honest about the fact I need things too sometimes.  I’m sorry for taking my frustrations and making them someone else’s fault.  I’m sorry for not stepping back and taking a breath and reconnecting with the spiritual things that ground me when I start to lose perspective.  I’m sorry for not being grateful for the countless blessings in my life.  I’m sorry for considering walking away from several things just because I feel like it’s the only way to finally be heard.  I’m sorry…you deserve better.

It’s ok to be human and to realize we all stumble sometimes.   We can have a day (or even a moment) of great clarity and gratitude and then have it stripped away by letting circumstances hijack our peace and contentment.  It happens…but we don’t have to stay there.  We have a choice.  We can choose to take a breath and recenter.  It doesn’t mean the feelings will always go away but what we tell ourselves during these times can be so powerful.  It is important to hold on to the truth when your feelings are swirling around you.  Talk to yourself – yes, out loud if you have to – and remind yourself of the truth…even if you don’t feel like it.  It can transform you.

shutterstock_154748687I am grateful.  I am blessed beyond what I could ever deserve, and when I focus on that truth, it brings me to my knees.  And even when I feel as though I am leaking like a sieve, I have a spiritual Father who keeps pouring more and more blessings into my world.   It is not only enough, it is exceedingly abundantly above all I can ask or think…and I will continue to follow what I feel led to do, even if it means giving all to a world that is so willing to take.  It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world does because I’ve been given so much that I cannot help but give.  It is not up to me to decide who gets to take or the manner in which they take.  How I give is between me and God.  How it is taken is between others and God.  And the sooner that is burned into my heart, the less often I will have “one of those days.”

Blessings!

Gratitude Meltdown!

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Last week I had a meltdown.  It wasn’t the type of meltdown that comes from too much stress or difficulties in life, but rather a meltdown of gratitude.  I know that sounds odd and maybe even foreign to some of you but let me explain.

BlessingLast Tuesday night, I was on my way home after an amazing seminary class filled with all kinds of discussion.  As I left, I found myself feeling extremely emotional and grateful for so many things in my life.  I am normally an overly thankful person who appreciates even the smallest things, but this was different.  As I thought about the path I have been on the last year or so, I couldn’t help but see how God has continued to work in even the smallest things in my life.   I was speaking with a friend of mine and told her, “I wish people could step into my soul for even a moment so they could have some kind of concept of how deeply my gratitude runs for them and how much I love them. “ 

There are things I believe I have been called to do in this life.  I have felt this way as long as I can remember, but there have been a few times here and there along the way when I believe God has made it abundantly clear what I needed to be doing.  Interestingly, the “calling” or purpose for my life has never changed.  It may have been manifested in different ways, but the underlying purpose has always been the same.   I have not always followed that calling, but I have also never been able to escape it.  When God reveals your true purpose to you, no matter what age that occurs, you are never the same.  You either live in fulfillment of your calling or you fight it.  Sometimes that decision changes from year to year, day to day, or even moment to moment.  The one thing you can no longer claim is ignorance.

As I reflected on my own calling and purpose last week, I was overwhelmed by a deep acceptance of what I know in my heart.  Then I was flooded with a sense of gratitude for situations and people who have helped me over the past few years more than they will ever be able to understand.  Most of these people have no clue what part they have played in the continual “gelling” of my purpose.  They have no concept of how God has used them to help guide the trajectory of my life.  I could write volumes on each one specifically but it would still only express a tiny fraction of what I feel in my heart for them. 1009759_10152000392095299_569841632_n Even in my professional life, God has used countless situations, and some very special people, to bring me to deeper realizations about myself and life in general.   I am blessed to be part of a company I believe in, owned by a man I deeply respect.  God used him to bring me to a place where I could grow not only professionally, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  I am not the most normal person on the planet, but he and many others in the office allow me to be true to the things I believe in most.  The freedom I have found in my work environment has given me the ability to follow where I am led both inside and outside the office.  It has strengthened my spirit beyond comprehension.  It has not only helped make me a much stronger and authentic individual, it has made me a more passionate and committed person of faith.  How many people can say that about their work environment, owner, boss or coworkers?  It is overwhelming.

My point is that we ALL have a purpose to fulfill.  We may try to ignore it or even fight it when it comes up but we can’t escape it.  Sometimes our calling is to something that seems entirely different than the job or circumstances in which we find ourselves.  That’s when we need to step back for a moment and consider that maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be…for now.   Maybe God has us in places where our purpose is going to be fulfilled through unexpected means.  Maybe we feel called to ministry but find ourselves in secular professions.  Does that mean we have strayed from our true path?  Of course not!  Yes, sometimes we hide in our professions to try and avoid the fear of stepping out into the truth of who we are, but we must not forget that where we are is much less important than WHAT we are!  If you are called to love, then love!  It doesn’t matter if you work for a church or the government.  If you are called to teach, then teach!  It may be in the school system or within your own home.  If you are called to sing, then sing!  Do it in your car or the shower if nowhere else.  If you are called to minister, then minister!  You don’t have to be in a pulpit to share the truth of God’s love, grace and mercy with others.

shutterstock_157249559If you are truly called to do something, you will do it no matter what…even if no one applauds you or appreciates it.  You will do it no matter what it costs you in time, energy or finances.   You will do it because you cannot keep from doing it!  You will do it with humility.  You will do it with grace.  You will do it with compassion.  You will not demand the spotlight and you will not be angry with those who aren’t impressed with your passion.  You will simply live as you are called and let God take care of the rest.  It is my job to follow the truth of my calling and it is God’s job to take care of the results…even when it doesn’t seem like anyone notices.  When I live with that perspective, I live in a very different kind of peace.

I am so grateful for what this past year has brought and all the people in my life who have affected my path.  When I truly consider it all, I am overtaken with emotion and fall to my knees in earnest prayer for them all.  None of us can know what tomorrow holds, but we can decide to live today paying attention to just how blessed we really are.

And if that realization takes your breath away and you cannot stop the flow of tears…then let them come.  Maybe a “meltdown of gratitude” is exactly what you need to be able to see clearly again.

Blessings!

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of…UGH!

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Now that Halloween has come and gone for another year, I have to think about how much work goes into costumes and decorations for one day.  Yes, I know that every holiday is really just “one day,” but at least Thanksgiving and Christmas are more like seasons than days.

D pirateThis year, my work team and I decided we would be pirates for Halloween.  I work for an amazing company, owned by an amazing man who allows us to be freely festive and decorate everything we can find in the office.  Each area went all out and we had many visitors and trick-or-treaters who came to enjoy the atmosphere throughout the day.  But this year was different for me.  We started planning for Halloween in August.  We spent a lot of personal time, energy and even money on putting together realistic props and other things to make our area totally amazing…and it was!

The problem for me wasn’t that I felt others didn’t appreciate us for being in the spirit; it was how all the details of what we had accomplished went totally overlooked.  We crafted handmade dice, used real turkey drumsticks, turned our aisle into a wooden pier complete with pilings, made cargo crates and spent hours gluing gold coins to a tablecloth to create a treasure pile, etc.  I even brought items from home for my “captain’s quarters” that were old and valuable, including eyeglasses from the 1800s and some antique books worth several hundred dollars.  We had lights that made the walls look like water reflecting on them.  We had paid attention to every detail, but in the end, no one really noticed.  They enjoyed the theme but I think they would have been just as happy if we hadn’t gone to such great lengths.  It was disappointing and even discouraging.

As I reflected Halloween night on the disappointment I felt over such details going unnoticed, I was struck with the eerie similarity it all had to “real” life.   For those of us who pay attention to details, even the seemingly insignificant ones, it’s hard to understand how people can look at the same things we are looking at and not see the countless hours or huge amounts of energy and effort put into something we have either created or completed.  shutterstock_159315767We’ve all experienced great disappointment after having worked tirelessly on a project for work, home, church or some other organization, only to have others overlook the details that made it what it was.  Most people don’t see the details; they only see the overall picture.  For example, if you clean a spot on the carpet, no one really cares.  People don’t notice if it isn’t there, but they sure notice when it is!  One of the things Disneyland does so well is the details.  Every tiny detail is paid attention to so that the guest is immersed in an experience like no other.  Guests don’t notice the tiny details, but if they were missing, the experience would be lessened.  It is the details that create the experience, but it is the experience that stirs the soul.

The vision we have for our lives, or the things in it, is important, but that vision only comes to life when we spend the time and effort on the details.  It is the painstaking hours, days or even years we spend on the details of our lives that creates an overall experience that stirs the soul.  It is the thankless and overlooked work we do that creates an end product or result that is appreciated, even though there is no concept of the amount of blood, sweat and tears we may have put into it.

shutterstock_156549593People appreciate the scenes around them; few appreciate or even stop to consider all the “little” things that had to be taken care of for the scene to come to life.  These “scenes” might be something as major as creating or building something amazing or as routine as making dinner, but each requires “behind the scenes” work that, in most cases, will not be appreciated.  We must learn to find appreciation within ourselves for the hard work we do for others.  Sure, we can decide it’s not worth it and resign ourselves to just doing what is necessary to get by, but nothing can replace the sense of accomplishment we get from doing something well.  The harder you work on something, the greater the sense of accomplishment…and that is a feeling no one can take away from you.

We need to stop looking to outside sources to appreciate all the little things we do.  We need to stop waiting for others to say “good job” when we already know in our hearts we did a good job.  We need to stop pinning our feelings of success on the opinions of those around us and start understanding that true success comes from within.  Taking care of the details to ensure an amazing experience, is not something we do for others; it is something we do for ourselves.

shutterstock_73650523 (1)And the next time you find yourself enjoying a “scene” or person around you, maybe you should stop and look at little closer at all the intricate details that made it possible.  You might be surprised to find that what is under the surface is far greater than anything that meets the eye.

Blessings!

You Are Loved…Accept It!

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shutterstock_134516501It has been said that we live in moments, not in days and I believe that is true.  Actually I believe we live in even shorter spans of times…in breaths and heartbeats.  Each one is a gift we can never get back.  The same is true for the ones we love.  Most of us know we are not promised another moment in life but we often forget that those we love are not promised another moment either.  If we could remember that fact, we might find ourselves more willing to tell others we love them.  For some, perhaps they would learn to accept love and care without being so uncomfortable.

There are some people in my world who mean more to me than they can possibly understand.  Oh, I try to tell/show them (quite often…much to the dismay of some of them) how much I love and care about them but they only see the tip of the iceberg.  It’s always been this way, and I guess I’ve always been a little overly expressive, but the truth is I have always been keenly aware that our next breath is not promised to us.  As a result, I usually honor the internal drive to express to those around me just how much they mean to me.  Sometimes it comes through a deep and meaningful discussion and sometimes it is just a really sappy (but sincere) comment out of nowhere.  Yes, I am compelled to say or do what I say or do…and I do not say or do anything I do not mean from the depths of my soul.

I have found that most people are uncomfortable with true expressions of the heart.  The most common reaction I have seen to an open and honest expression of love is to laugh or become dismissive.  I realize it is not directed at me (or whoever happened to express something to someone), but it comes from a place of either not knowing how to respond or a place of feeling unworthy of that expression.

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Some people have been so criticized over the course of their lives that they refuse to believe someone could see their gifts or their beauty.  They even doubt the sincerity of someone who tells them they are gifted or beautiful because they just can’t see themselves that way.  They develop a way of living that even keeps them shielded from the truth…especially when it is positive.  Most people (with the exception of the selfish or narcissistic) are not comfortable with being told how much they are loved or gifted because they have been taught that it is arrogant to believe it.  Even saying “thank you” becomes an arrogant act in that mindset.  After all, if you say “thank you,” then you are agreeing with whatever was said…and that isn’t polite.  How terrible it is that we have warped something as pure as the expression of the heart and turned it into something to be laughed at, dismissed or even feared.

It is a fact that loss is an inevitable part of life.  There is going to come a time for all of us when we are separated from someone we love.  It is too late, after someone is gone, to tell them how much they mean to you.  It’s too late to hug them.  It’s too late to see them smile when you open your heart to them.  But what if you DO open yourself up to others and express yourself honestly and openly?  Will you be laughed at and dismissed for doing so?  From my experience, I will tell you it is a probability, but don’t let it stop you.  Be fearless!  Love genuinely from the depths of your heart and soul and don’t be afraid to express it.

shutterstock_57395806In my life, I have been hurt and burned by more people than I can count.  I have been laughed at and teased for being so expressive.  I have been looked at strangely because I refuse to give up on people even when they have walked away.  I have been ridiculed for being too vulnerable with those I love.  I have been rejected by some because I refuse to reserve my love and care for only those who were deemed “acceptable.”  I have been punished for reaching out to those who were perceived as stealing my time or energy.  Believe me, I have been wounded by every negative arrow that can be hurled at someone for loving deeply and expressing that love…and do you know what it taught me?  It taught me that the love we give can also heal us.  Otherwise, I would have been dead from those wounds long ago.

The truth is I will never be able to fully express to those I love just how much they mean to me.  There are no words that truly convey my gratitude for those who have loved and accepted me without condition.  So forgive me if I am unable to keep myself from trying to find the words to express the depth of love, care and connection I feel for those around me.  Forgive me for struggling to keep it locked inside when I feel compelled to tell you that you are beautiful, intelligent, talented, kind, compassionate, loving or any one of a thousand other things that YOU don’t believe about yourself.  Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t make it untrue.  Maybe you need to see yourself through my eyes for a moment.

shutterstock_158268758And the next time I tell you you’re amazing, just say “thank you.”  I promise it doesn’t make you selfish.

Blessings!

Revelation and Fragility

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Lately I’ve been immersed in a process of revelation.  I just completed writing a book that details the journey I took with my best friend, Annette, over the years as she eventually lost her battle with brain cancer.  It has been an intense and emotional process and one that has put in me yet another position of vulnerability and revelation.  Doing anything creative opens us up for all kinds of judgments (and even ridicule).  When we reveal the truth of our journeys, and the truth of what we experience and feel, the risks are so great that we often shrink back behind the veil of what we think we should look like to the world around us.

Throughout the process of writing and editing the book, I was taken to new places of reflection and realization.  At times it was a painful process as I stripped away the final layers of my protective covering, but it reminded me of how beautiful life truly is when we are wiling to risk judgment for revelation.  Annette and I trusted each other and refused to let society dictate to us how we would treat each other or express our love and care for each other.  As a result, we risked all kinds of ridicule and misperceptions but we didn’t care because we found something that far surpassed the fear of rejection and ridicule:  the strength of being understood and loved without condition. 

Love maskThe revealing of ourselves is often a painful experience.  Whether it is due to the revelation of traits we are not proud of or simply the revelation of our emotions in their most raw state, the result often brings us pain.  We don’t like to be vulnerable, and we don’t like our relationships to get out of balance between give and take…or revelation and reticence.  Even in our most difficult emotional moments, it is often hard to let down our guard or know that we need to reach out to someone who we know loves and cares about us.  We would rather curl up into a corner by ourselves and bear our burdens alone instead of “troubling” someone else with our struggles or let them see us in our fragile state.  Not only that, we don’t want to BE fragile with someone else because it opens us up to more hurt if we are not embraced in our fragility, or worse, judged for it. 

Recently I had the amazing blessing of being able to help someone I love get through a difficult time.  Interestingly, it happened at a time when I was struggling with my own internal issues, but the moment she became vulnerable, nothing could have stopped me from being there to support her.  All the things I was struggling with suddenly paled in comparison to the love and care I felt for another person.  It was an honor to have someone lay their heart in my hands for a short while and to be trusted to not injure it.  It was humbling to be allowed to care for someone who needed to be cared for in that moment.  lost and aloneAnd it was beautiful to see the openness and vulnerability of another’s spirit – even if it was something they would have fought to hide under normal circumstances.  It strengthened and comforted me far more than any strength or comfort I provided for her.  It was as a result of this experience that I remembered why honesty matters so much in our relationships and in our lives.   It reminded me why I had been willing to pour intimate details of my life into a book for all to read.  It whispered to me, “Without revelation and fragility you will never experience true acceptance and strength.”

Helping HandsIt was that experience that gave me courage to keep moving forward in the midst of my own struggles.  It strengthened me to know life is full of relationships that help us grow and it made me proud of my own revelations I shared within the book I just finished.  It reduced my fears of being judged or rejected for the exposure of my own heart.  Revealing ourselves, or becoming openly fragile for a while, allows us the opportunity to see love manifested in the ways someone else cares for us.  But beyond that, it also allows us the opportunity to strengthen those same people in ways we can’t even understand.  We need to stop being so worried about those who will reject us if we reveal our true selves and focus on those who embrace us more purely and love us because we reveal our true selves.  And as I say that, I can’t help but think, “Annette would be so proud.”

 Blessings!