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Forgive me for my rant….

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shutterstock_144638720I am human…and this post proves there are times when I don’t feel very happy or inspirational. It seems like sometimes the things that are most personal to us get stirred up in new ways.  Lately there has been an over-abundance of baby-related things in my world and, quite frankly, I’m a little tired of it.  There have been babies being born everywhere I turn, and although I am TRULY happy for these families and mom’s, I sometimes find myself thinking “If I have to listen to one more story or look at one more picture, I am going to scream!”  Yep, I know that sounds selfish.  Yep, I know I should remember they are just sharing their excitement.  I even got to be involved with some of the situations recently and they were great blessings to me.  Unfortunately, I am suffering from a little bit of overexposure.  What follows is just my opinion and how I see things.  Others may disagree and that’s fine.  I’m just sharing one perspective on a very complicated societal issue.

There is a debate that has been going on for years between people who have children and people who don’t.  Companies are often more flexible with schedules for those who have children than those who don’t.  Family friendly policies, even though I agree with them, do put people without children at a disadvantage.  It is not only acceptable, but encouraged, for parents to take time off or make arrangements to attend school programs or meetings for their children.  They say it’s important (and it is) and they need to be able to attend.  I have no problem with that, however, what about things that are important to the childless?   We have lives too, and just because someone doesn’t have children doesn’t mean they should be expected to work harder, stay later or give up what’s important to them outside of work.  Contrary to popular belief, we aren’t “free” to drop everything at a moment’s notice either.  Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean our days are more leisurely or less filled with activity than those who do.

shutterstock_157009427My husband and I were unable to have children of our own, and the adoption process proved to be so expensive and mentally taxing that we decided against it.  We looked at surrogates and infertility options, but in the end decided that having children of our own was just not a path we were supposed to walk.  It was a painful decision, and although we don’t have kids, I have tried to stay neutral on the subject up until this point.  Mostly, I never wanted to be perceived as one of “those” women who couldn’t handle people around them having children.  I’ve swallowed my pain and attended countless baby showers.  I’ve spent countless dollars on gifts for birthday parties, graduations, and other milestones for kids we know…yes, sometimes because it is expected.  I’ve put on a brave face when coworkers have paraded their children through the office or brought their newborns in for a first visit. I’ve listened to pregnant women go on and on about their bodily functions or the “woes” of pregnancy as I tried to be polite and supportive when sometimes I just want to say “shut up.”   I’ve dealt with the sadness that comes when I’ve had friends move on to having children and then no longer have time for me.  I’ve felt left out in my own family because everyone else was able to have kids, and then they developed a bond around shared experiences with them.   I’ve sat quietly in a group of people who are talking about all the things their kids are involved in or telling funny stories about things the kids have done.  I’ve tried to engage in the conversations but eventually just get up and walk away.  Recently I’ve even watched friends becoming grandparents, and now I get to relive the exclusion all over again.

shutterstock_135260795Mother’s day is bittersweet for me.  I am so grateful for my own mother but it is also a reminder of the fact I will never have someone call me “Mom.”   Our church takes time every Mother’s Day to honor all the women of our church, whether they have children or not.  I have to admit, I don’t like it at all.  I understand the thought process that only honoring mothers can cause hurt feelings in those who are unable to have children or have other situations that make it difficult, but I just see things differently.  First of all, it’s MOTHER’S Day, not Women’s Day.  It doesn’t make me feel better to stand up and be recognized just because no one wants to offend those who are childless for whatever reason.  It makes me feel uncomfortable.  It makes me feel like everyone is looking at me with some kind of pity…like including someone just to keep them from feeling bad.  So instead of feeling honored, I feel embarrassed, and the worst part of it is that I can’t even step outside for a moment while it is going on because I know I will be labeled as one of “those” women who are oversensitive to the issue.  I suppose it’s a catch 22, but in my opinion, if you want to pick a day to honor all women, do it on another day.

I guess it’s all just been harder lately, which has made me realize even more just how much of an outcast I feel sometimes because of the fact I don’t have children.   I’m tired of hearing things like:

  • “If you had kids you’d understand.”
  • “It must be nice to have time to do whatever you want to do.”
  • “Now that I have kids, my life finally has such meaning.”
  •  “You think you’re (whatever)? Try having kids!”

I have always loved working with kids and I always thought I’d have some of my own.   I am thrilled for the people around me who have been able to experience motherhood and fatherhood, and really do love seeing the precious little beings they’ve brought into this world.  I’m not bitter and, over the years, have found ways to embrace the advantages to not having children.  And yes, there certainly are some!  My point is that our society still seems to look down on people who do not have children, like somehow we are defective or selfish.  It is so important to remember there are just as many facets to being childless as there are to being parents.  The reasons for being childless are not as simple as either not wanted kids or not being able to have them.  It is a much deeper, much more personal and complicated situation that has its own set of joys and pains.  And to view us as being less complete, less of a family, or less loving because we don’t have children is one of the greatest pains of all.

shutterstock_182363273So back to my recent baby overload…this too shall pass and I will be back to attending showers and birthday parties just like I always have.  Give me some time and I’ll be glad to listen to stories of every little thing your kids do or say.  Believe it or not, I really AM interested.  It’s just that sometimes…just sometimes… I simply need a little time to step away and wash the salt back out of the wound.

Blessings!

Losing Our Cool

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shutterstock_123758158This past weekend the NFC  Championship game between the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers was a hard fought battle ‘til the end.   Unfortunately at the end of the game, one of the Seattle players took to live television to rant and vent about an opposing player.  In my opinion this move was a classless, uncalled for act from a professional athlete who should know better and remember he is a reflection of his team and its fans.  Having played sports growing up, I understand fully what it is like to be in the heat of the battle with someone you don’t like.   I understand there was a history of animosity between the two players, but this Seattle player should have been able to contain himself and act like a mature adult who could express things in a more rational manner…especially in the face of victory.  If he was so keyed up that he couldn’t manage to control his tongue then he should have gone to his own teammates  and vented until he could gain his composure and control his tongue enough to express himself more civilly in front of millions of people.

That being said, I find it interesting how everyone is so quick to judge this player for speaking so terribly on live television because he did so without thinking through what he was saying or was angry in the heat of the moment.  People are attacking him viciously.  People are talking about how disgusting his behavior was and how they would never support his team as a result of his comments.  I must say that I understand those feelings and thoughts because as a Seahawks fan, I share many of them.

I noticed, as I read the news this morning, there didn’t seem to be much talk about the hard fought battle or excitement of the championship game.  One player with his wagging tongue overshadowed all the news about the game.  There have been more opinions and more anger between fans and friends and it actually has overshadowed what took place on the field.  What I find so interesting about this outrage toward one player is that in our daily lives we are often put in situations where we get fired up and overly emotional about something and we also become unable to bridle our tongue.   shutterstock_155516951Sure, we want to vilify a professional player who does it on live television because it is easier to cast stones from far away.  This certainly wasn’t this player’s finest moment, but we need to remember something:  every day there are people watching US.  Every day there are people we encounter, whether it is strangers, friends, coworkers, or family, and we think nothing about letting our emotions fly out at them because we have gotten keyed up over a situation.  Maybe someone we don’t like has done something to disrespect or hurt us and we get so upset or offended that we start blurting things out without giving it a second thought.  We are acting strictly from our emotions and though we may not be in front of a camera where millions can see, the people around us or closest to us CAN see.  It affects them in much the same way as this player’s rant affected everyone who saw it after the game.  I believe that rather than causing more strife over a situation with someone most of us do not know personally, we should take this opportunity to step back and look in the mirror at how we all act from time to time when we are faced with things we don’t like or with circumstances that makes us angry.  We need to reflect on times in our own lives when we are overcome with the excitement or frustration of a moment and we hurl our words to others without any thought of how they will be received or how WE will be perceived as a result.

As Christians we have an opportunity, dare I say an obligation, to keep our tongue under control.   We are representatives of a living God.  And when we, like this player, get so caught up in our circumstances and what is going on around us that we let our words fly without thought, we are just as embarrassing, just as classless, just as disgusting and just as sickening in what we say and do…not only to those around us, but more importantly to the God who created us.  I don’t appreciate the rant I saw the other night, but quite frankly it is easier to stomach that player than to stomach myself when I look at the times in my own life where I have been guilty of the same thing.  Just because we aren’t on a national or worldwide stage, doesn’t absolve us from our responsibilities or the consequences of our behaviors.

shutterstock_138967757So let us be careful.  Let us remember the emotions stirred within us as a result of this one player’s unnecessary rant…and may it serve to remind and inspire us to be careful of our own words and of our own actions and reactions in the heat of life’s battles.  The fiery circumstances in which we sometimes find ourselves do not excuse our lack of composure, or the loss of our peace or joy.  And if perchance you find yourself in a situation where you are about to lose your “cool”, then do what this player should have done.  Go to the people you trust most and vent to them.  Blow off whatever steam you need to with people who will bring you back down to earth so that you do not become a detriment or stumbling block to those around you.  Then get on your knees and ask first for forgiveness and then for strength to hold on to the peace that passes all understanding.  Because it truly is by our fruit – good or bad – that we are known.

Blessings!

The Illusion of Comfort Zones

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shutterstock_113716978Comfort zones – We all have them and we all like them!  We gravitate toward the things in life we are good at, the people we are like and the jobs we are used to.  We don’t like being uncomfortable and will tolerate a lot of elements we don’t like in order to live in the familiar.  Even when we are called to do or be something, it seems we still try and make it fit within our comfort zones.

I recently said the following to a friend of mine as I was relating where I have currently come to in my life:  “I share all these things to give you an idea of all the ways I’ve tried to avoid that call in my life to truly speak and minister to people in the way I have always known I was supposed to do.  I don’t regret the delay, as it has enriched my life with experiences and such that change the way I approach things now.  God knows what He is doing even when we try to only partially follow His perfect will for our lives and He somehow continues to bring us back to the undeniable truth of the plans He has for us.  NowIt is then we are faced with the decision, once again, to press forward or make an attempt to travel down some frontage road of His will, so close to the freeway but never quite on it.  I have no idea how the path is going to unfold before me but I do trust that He will open the doors that are supposed to open and guide me through them as long as my heart and mind are tuned to Him.  That is both a comforting and fearful thought.  Surrendering to His will for our day to day lives is a scary thing sometimes because in our humanity we cannot see the future or what He is going to take us through.  I do believe He has equipped us in the exact ways we need in order to perform whatever He has called us to do.”

It is so amazing to me how adept we are when it comes to rationalizing why we do not step out of our comfort zones.  We talk about risks.  We use some very reasonable arguments as to why it would just be better to do things that fit with our life’s purpose in a way that stays between the guardrails of our comfort zones.  We do not say we are scared; we say we are being rational.  We don’t say we are refusing to do the things to which we are called; we say we are being careful to only move and act when we are absolutely certain about such action.  After all, isn’t that the prudent thing to do?  Who acts without first considering the possible effects?  Yes, it all sounds so reasonable but it is the precise thing that keeps us living on the edge of our calling instead of WITHIN our calling. 

Comfort zones are the anesthesia to our fears and neutralizer of our passions.  They make us feel safe even if that safety is nothing more than a perception.  Comfort zones limit our ability to grow.  When we confine ourselves to only those things with which we are familiar or comfortable, we limit our view of the world and all the wonder within it.  As people of faith, we limit what God can do with us and through us because we aren’t willing to truly go where He leads.

shutterstock_115937239The reality is that life is not always comfortable.  We can choose to remain in our comfort zones and refuse to change or grow but here is an interesting truth about these “zones:”  The longer you refuse to step out of them, the more you will find them shrinking around you as others grow and change.  When that happens, it increasingly becomes a “discomfort” zone and you will either be forced to stretch yourself or accept a life of confinement.  Either way, you will never be free and you will never have true comfort. That kind of comfort comes only when we surrender to the truth of our calling.  

So my prayer for you is the same as it is for me.  I pray we are each given not only a clear vision of our purpose but also the courage and strength needed to carry it out.  Let us look forward past our fears and into the reality of who we have been called to be…and let us do it today!

Blessings!