Category Archives: Perspective

“I Have No Life!”

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shutterstock_79823446How many times have you found yourself uttering those words?  I must admit, even though I have been blessed greatly, there are days I feel like I life I have no life.  My husband and I weren’t able to have children so we haven’t ever had the camaraderie that exists between couples who attend their kid’s events, etc.  We’ve had friends who have children but over time it ended up that we were always the ones making concessions on what to do, or where to do it since it was easier for us to pick up and go somewhere than it was for others to pack up the kids and then be constantly watching the time so the kids weren’t out too late.  You would think as we got older some of this would subside but it really didn’t because it wasn’t long before our friends started having grandkids.  Once that happens, all bets are off.  Then there are the friends who seem to constantly be on the run with activities or dealing with the drama in the lives of those around them.  Whatever the circumstances, I look around me and think, “I have no life.”

It’s hard when you spend your life always trying to cater to the people around you.  Even if you do it by choice out of sincere love for them, there are days when it can wear on you.  For me, I have this thing about not being a burden to others or infringing on their time and such.  I want the people around me to enjoy life to the fullest and, as a result, don’t want to interrupt their busy days or keep them from doing something else they have planned.  Of course, then I sit at home by myself and start feeling sad because it seems more and more that I don’t fit into their schedules…even though they would normally welcome the “interruption” and be glad to connect.  It may sound like I’m whining, but hang with me for a few more minutes.girlfriends

When you look at other people and it seems they are living life to the fullest, it can be difficult to realize that it also feels as though you are not important enough for them to make time for you.  Whether it is the truth or not doesn’t really matter because perception can be a powerful thing in our lives.  Is it really that they don’t have time for us or is it simply that we keep trying so hard to not be demanding or selfish that we fall over ourselves in order to feel totally alone?  It seems so counterproductive!  So what is it that makes us look at others and think they don’t care enough about us to initiate conversations or activities?  These are the times we need to stop and look within.  I’m not saying there aren’t people who will take advantage of you or take everything you are willing to give them without ever giving it a second thought, but more often than not, the problem rests within us and not with them.

For most women, we are taught that we should not get angry or upset.  We are taught to be agreeable and always put others first.  We are also taught this as Christians.  (“Prefer one another.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.”) silence Everywhere we look we seem to get the message that wanting or needing something for ourselves is selfish.  We are taught that standing up for what is right for us is selfish.  We are taught that our needs are less important than the needs of others.  This thinking is hammered into our brains over and over in life and then we wonder why we feel so drained.  We find ourselves feeling unimportant or even used by the people in our lives.  The truth is that our wants and needs are important too!  It doesn’t make you a bad person if you choose to pursue the things in life that make you happy.  It doesn’t make you a terrible Christian if you say “no”sometimes to people or activities that deplete your energy.  It doesn’t make you selfish to stand up for yourself and be who you are created to be, which includes respecting your own needs and desires!  It doesn’t mean you are the center of the universe, but it does mean that in order for you to be the best you can be, you have to learn to feed yourself.

“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.”  We’ve all heard that quote but look at it from this perspective:  If you constantly rely on someone else to make you feel loved, then you will feel loved only for a short while.  If you learn to love yourself and be kind and gentle with yourself first, then you will feel loved for a lifetime.  We need to stop looking to the world around us to make us feel like we “have a life.”  We need to simply step up to the plate and CREATE the life we desire.

If that means burning the old tapes repeatedly playing in our heads that tell us we are selfish for taking care of ourselves, then strike a match and let’s watch them burn!

fire

Blessings!

Come Out! Come Out Wherever You Are!

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Hide and SeekI loved playing outside as a kid.  We often made up our own games but we also played many of the “traditional” games like Red Rover Red Rover, Mother May I, Tag or Hide and Seek (Wow! I am really starting to date myself here!)  It’s so sad to see our kids today planted behind video games or television and missing out on some of the great fun that can be had goofing off during these games… but I digress.  Playing hide and seek as a kid, there would come a point where someone had been caught and was now “it.”  The call would then go out, “Come out! Come out wherever you are!”  It was a signal to everyone else that the risk was gone and they were free to come out of hiding because it was safe.  I can’t say we always came out of hiding with total confidence because, in our circle of friends, you sometimes weren’t sure if it was really ok to come out or if someone was trying to trick you into coming out so they could pounce on you.  It made me think of how we grow up doing the same things with our lives that we did in hide and seek as a child.

Hiding can sometimes be a useful tool.  It allows us to self-protect when we are enduring difficult circumstances.  We are able to retreat and take time to settle our fears and regain some of our strength but when we begin to hide out of habit, it creates difficulties we cannot even imagine.  I have always appeared to be an open book but those few people who have caught glimpses into the hidden pages of my world understand just how different it can be at times.  Past hurts sometimes cause us to react without thinking.  We learn to engage others in ways that minimize their ability to hurt us, or so we think.  For some of us, we learn it is easier to take care of others than to let ourselves need something and then be disappointed.  Over time, we establish patterns of one-sided intimacy with the people in our lives.  We provide support for others, care for them, and even love them deeply, without ever realizing our own need to be cared for in the same way.  It is good to give.  It is good to love but when we find ourselves relying on that love to allow us to hide the truth of who we are we have reached a point where our eyes must be opened.  This new sense of vision can be painful. Love maskThere was a time in my life when I realized that I had sometimes loved others in order to hide myself.  Please don’t misunderstand.  I truly loved these people.  My love for them goes deeper than I have words to express, and yet at the same time I used that love to help hide the depth of my own emotion and need.  I began to believe, through countless wounds, that the world around me was capable of being truly loved but not capable of truly loving me.  That fact never stopped me from loving.  It was impossible to stop me from loving but it was also impossible for me to clearly see just how much it hurt me at times to close my eyes to the truth beneath the surface. I have never used love as a weapon but I realize I have used it as a mask.  I have never loved expecting something in return but I have been guilty of believing I would never receive anything in return.  I have loved for love’s sake alone and yet realize there were times it became convenient to hide behind it.

It is painful to realize we must adjust our sights and begin to understand things we tried so hard to avoid in the past.  Mirrors are wonderful when we look our best but they can destroy our self-esteem for a while when we gaze into them unexpectedly and see areas we are lacking, areas that need attention.  It is easier to not look or easier to only look when we know we have made ourselves “presentable.”  We can then look piously into the glass of self-acceptance that will last only as long as our masks remain intact.  True self-acceptance will only come when we learn to trust what we see when our reflection presents itself unexpectedly and then resolve within ourselves to understand and change it at its most primitive level.

woman on cliffSo just as the words rang out when we were children, I call to you now: “Come out!  Come out wherever you are!”  You don’t have to spend your life in hiding, waiting for someone to find you.  You can proudly step out into the sun and be exactly who you are.  When you do, you will find you are the only one who has the power to truly set yourself free.

Blessings!

Stop (and Think) In The Name of Love!

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HeartsThis week we will be celebrating Valentine’s Day.  It seems to be a time when some people evaluate their relationships honestly and others are concerned only with what they will get from their significant others.  I realize it is a time for romance but it’s even a better time for looking inward at the true love in our life.

So often we go through life wondering why things aren’t different.  We look at our relationships and think they should be deeper and more meaningful yet quite often fail to realize that we are the ones who are holding back.  Past hurts and pains still haunt us because we can’t forget.  Past angers still cripple us because we cannot forgive.  These past experiences taint our present relationships and cause us to hide behind our creative walls.  We don’t have depth in life because we aren’t willing to go to the depths.  We sometimes aren’t willing to acknowledge the pains of days gone by so that we might move past them into a new realm of peace.  We hang on to our impressions of the world that were formed in sadness or other negative experiences.  We get burned so often that we tell ourselves people just aren’t worth it.  We begin to believe it is easier to have superficial relationships with everyone than to live through the many betrayals and rejections in order to find the pearls of the few who are true.  What is so often lost in the midst of our perceptions is the reality of love.

Love can find us in the oddest of circumstances or the strangest of people.  We don’t look for love; love looks for us.  We don’t find it; it finds us when we let down our guard and risk the pain of exposition.  It embraces us when we embrace others.  It calls to us when we are willing to listen.  It hears us when we are finally willing to speak.  It will not force us to live within it.  It will not force us to be open.  It will not force us to be weak.  It will not force us to be exposed but when we are willing to freely stand naked in spirit with those around us, love will clothe us in the purest peace and comfort.

We have all used love to our benefit over the course of our lives.  We have called emotions “love” when they were anything but love.  We have loved with condition.  We have loved with expectation.  We have loved in order to gain instead of give.  We have loved out of necessity, convenience and sometimes even confusion.  We have loved in order to manipulate, coerce and extract what we somehow believed we were entitled to from another.  We have lived our lives doing everything BUT love.  It sounds so harsh to say it openly but it is the truth.

Corinthians 13It is easy for us to stand and look at ourselves in a mirror that reflects how wonderful we look on the surface but we rarely see who we really are.  I am not saying in every situation in life we have loved for some other reason but when was the last time you loved someone truly as much as you love yourself?  When was the last time you truly put someone else ahead of yourself without considering it to be a nice or even noble thing to do?  Love acts.  Love responds.  Love never stops to think how much greater it becomes for what it does.  It is not proud.  It is full of understanding, true grace and mercy.  I have seen some beautiful acts of kindness over my life and some genuine displays of what love is but let us not mistake the rarity of those times.  Let us not diminish the character of love by making it into a beautiful package that contains nothing of substance when it is opened.

So as we approach February 14th, let us ignore the commercialism and expectations that normally come with the day.  It is wonderful to have a day to show expressions of our love but wouldn’t it be better if we lived every day of our lives in a way that our loved ones know exactly what they mean to us?  If we will, we may just find ourselves with a gift that lasts much longer than any flowers, candy or jewelry ever could!

Blessings!

Love Shared Is Not Diminished

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For most people, February is the “love month” because it contains Valentine’s Day (which also happens to be my birthday so yes, I’m a lover not a fighter!).  As a result, you may see several posts this month that relate to different aspects of love.  Hopefully you don’t mind.  😉

I’ve been thinking about something lately that has troubled me for years.  Why is it that some people have such a hard time understanding that love shared is not diminished? Here is what I’ve always believed:  If I love one person completely, it does not preclude me from loving someone else completely.  I’ve encountered a LOT of people in this life for which this seems to be a totally foreign concept and it is something that has always puzzled me.

shutterstock_1371755Some people seem to believe we are given only a finite amount of love and we have to choose how we “spend” that love.  They wouldn’t openly admit that is what they believe, but their actions certainly reflect it!  In other words, I start out with 100% of love so if I love two people then I have to split my love.  I can split it 50/50 or by some other ratio but neither person can have 100%.  Based on this thinking, the more people I love, the LESS love I have to give.  We look at love like we do money, time or other resources.  We only have so much money to give before we run out.  There’s only so much time in a day, etc.  All these things force us to make choices in how we spend these resources because they are limited.  Limited resources mean we must divide them in order to cover more ground.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE WITH LOVE!!  Love is not a “resource;” It is a gift!

Love, when it is given, multiplies.  It is not diminished because it is shared.  Think of it this way:  If a woman who loves her child with all her heart gives birth to another one, she doesn’t have to take an amount of love away from the first one to give to the second.  Her love for EACH child is 100%.  This woman ends up with a complete and total love that is twice as big as she had before!  Her love was not reduced as a result of her sharing it with another.  It was, in fact, multiplied.

The Bible tells us God IS love.  Jesus loves me, this I know…right?  He loves completely and unconditionally!  Since “God so loved the WORLD…” does this mean if He loves everyone, then you must take that number of people (billions over the course of time) and divide it in order to figure out what percent He is capable of loving you?  That is not only unscriptural but it is ridiculous!  We know this to be true with God but if God is love, then we must also remember it to be true about love.

I must confess it drives me absolutely crazy when people are so selfish that they demand the people who love them do not love anyone else or at least do not act on their love for anyone else.  I love to see and be around people who love freely because I love freely, openly and completely.  It breaks my heart when someone takes the fact that I love many people and tries to imply that I don’t care or love about him or her as a result.  I used to let that heartbreak determine how I acted or reacted so that particular individual wouldn’t feel “unloved” or unappreciated but over time I have learned that some people prefer to be judgmental and exclusionary rather than to love as love was intended to be.  I feel bad for them because they are missing out on the greatest blessings of life.

shutterstock_65540413I cannot change anyone around me but I can refuse to let the negativity drag me down into a place where I begin to look at love as a “win-lose” proposition.  For me, love will always be a “win-win.”  Love is not an equation but if it was, there would actually be two of them based on the way people think:

  1. Love – Love = Nothing
  2. Love + Love = Infinity

I’ll just say this….”To infinity and beyond!!”

Blessings!

The Perfect Gift at the Perfect Time

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Desertion...whether real or perceived...whether intentional or not...feels just the same.

Last week I posted a picture I had painted and added the following caption: “Desertion – whether real or perceived…whether intentional or not…feels just the same.”  That may sound like I’m about to start whining but I’m not.  If you’ve read the “About Me” page, you know I am not wired like most of the people around me.  My brain chemistry allows me to experience wonderful moments of great creativity and passion and gives me both the desire and ability to express what is contained in the depths of my soul.   It also has the potential for dragging me into places from which it is very difficult to crawl out.  I spent the past couple of weeks trying to walk uphill on a slippery slope until I finally gave in and tumbled down into the dark.  It didn’t matter that I knew I had support from those who love me because my wiring, coupled with my circumstances, had overshadowed my knowledge with a feeling of loneliness I couldn’t seem to escape.

So often we get stuck in the midst of our difficulties.  It is human nature for us to falter and stumble in spite of what we know to be true.  For me, I know God is in control but when it comes down to it, I often don’t truly trust Him to take care of me.  We don’t have the ability to see down the road so we scramble, plan and try to rely on our own strength to work things out.  We can’t see ahead and know what God has in store for our lives but HE knows.  He knows the blessings He has in store for us even though we can’t imagine them.  He knows what exciting things He is going to bring to us down the road even though today our life may seem overshadowed with difficulty or depressive days.

As I reflected on these things, I was struck with the image of a father who has an incredible gift for his child and can’t wait for the child to unwrap it.

Giving gift

We can all relate to times when we can hardly wait to give something to someone because we know it is just the “perfect” gift.  It’s hard for us to have it in our possession and not give it to them prematurely because we know how much it will mean to them.  It’s hard to watch them have to wait and possibly even be sad as they think we have forgotten to get them something. Then I think of our Heavenly Father knowing the journey of our lives before we even take our first breath and knowing all He has in store for us.  As He watches the ebb and flow of our lives as His children, He sees the struggles we face but He knows what’s coming.  He feels our tears but He knows what’s coming.  In spite of how hard it may be to watch us succeed and fail, or learn the lessons we must, He knows what’s coming and He knows it is GREAT!  He has an incredible gift in store for us and can hardly wait for us to be able to unwrap it…when the time is right.  I imagine Him looking at us and thinking, “I know it’s difficult right now but if you could just see what is about to come into your world, you would be SO excited.  It is going to amaze you!”  And yet we spend so many of our days trying to just get through the things in our lives.  We struggle with our faith and often have difficulty believing God is even aware of how terrible we feel.  We forget He is always with us, guiding us to a place where He can share incredible blessings with us.  We think He has forgotten.  We forget how much He truly loves us.

And then it happens.

Blessing

We find ourselves with a blessing so great it seems almost miraculous.  We are stunned.  Our lives are changed.  We are thankful beyond words.  We are amazed.  We realize the struggles we have been dealing with were nothing more than layers of paper we had to unwrap in order to have such an incredible gift revealed to us.  What a wonderful moment for our Father when the time finally comes for us to receive what He had in store for us all along.  He gets to experience our sincere excitement and amazement at what He has done.  I can see Him sitting there, with love in His eyes asking “When are you going to understand that I am not only working everything together for your good, but to bring you to a place where I can give you amazing things?”  These are the moments when most of us are brought to our knees in gratitude, which causes us to realize how weak our faith has become, which then brings us to a place of humility where we remember again that God really IS control and will stop at nothing to give us an abundant life…no matter what it takes.

Sometimes I think that is the greater gift.

Blessings!