A Huge Milestone

Annette new york 001This post is the sharing of something personal because today was a huge day in my world.   For over a year now, I have been working toward completing a book that tells the story of the journey I took with my best friend, Annette Christophe, as she fought brain cancer.  It has been an interesting process for me as I relived every moment, every joy and pain.  There were times I thought I couldn’t stand the emotional toll any longer and feared I would have to abandon the project, but my soul wouldn’t let me quit.  As a result, I got to take a new journey with her spirit that affected me in so many ways.   Today that book was published and made available to the public.  I thought I was prepared for the emotions of the book finally becoming reality, but I underestimated it all.The moment I found out the book was published early and was now in the public realm, I was elated!  In some ways it was like a huge weight was lifted and I was overwhelmingly joyful.  I wanted to shout from the mountain tops and share the moment with those closest to me!  Then things started to settle a bit, and I became extremely weepy and unable to control my tears.  I suddenly missed Annette terribly and at the same time felt her presence stronger than ever.  I feel like she is looking down right now, so proud of the accomplishment and endurance of what it took to bring our story to life.  I believe she is celebrating with me in spirit and I would swear I feel her hugging me.  When I stop and get quiet, it is almost more than I am able to stand or wrap my heart around.

How We Said Goodbye is, to date, my greatest creative accomplishment…for so many reasons.  But it’s more than that.  It is a journey that has changed my life once again.  It has opened me up completely again to Annette’s spirit and what she represents in my life.  It has been almost 17 years since she passed and the telling of our story felt long overdue…until I understood that God’s timing is perfect.  Even if I had tackled the writing of the book years ago, I would have been swallowed up in the intense emotions that accompanied its creation.   Instead, it happened when it was supposed to happen, and I am thankful for the fact it has finally come to fruition.

So I guess I want to say thank you to those of you who have been with me on this journey.  Some of you knew Annette and have known of our journey from the very beginning.  Some of you feel like you know Annette through knowing me and hearing me talk about her over the years.  Some of you never knew Annette and some of you have never met me….but ALL of you have been a part of this process in one way or another.  Whether through your support of me by simply reading this blog or by being someone in my literal world who has held my hand or my heart throughout the process in the past year…I would not be here without you and I am overwhelmed by your support.  Annette would love to see how she has brought so many people together…even those she never met.

It’s a beautiful and emotional day.  And today, I celebrate Annette’s spirit and thank God for the gift of her presence in the most amazing ways.  I will carry her with me always.

Blessings!

p.s.  You can read about the book by clicking on the “Books” tab at the top of the page.

“I’m Sorry.”

Today was one of those days when you just want to crawl into a hole and smack anyone who comes near you.  It started with a painful dentist appointment then continued into a very stressful day at work.  My frustration level reached a point where I found it hard to contain my urge to whine (even internally) about several things before the day was over.  I kept trying to see the positive but it just kept getting overshadowed by the negative.  It is unusual for me to fall into that kind of pit of self-pity, but I am human too.

shutterstock_143837407We all endure times when we feel like everything we touch is a problem or everyone that comes to us wants something.  They say confession is good for the soul so…here it goes.  Stick with me for a few moments, because I promise this is going somewhere.  Sometimes I get frustrated with people who take me or what I do for granted.  I get tired of people who slip into a place where they stop trying to do anything for themselves or figure things out on their own before asking me to solve their issues for them.  I get drained sometimes by people who think just because I’m nice or truly WANT to help them that it gives them license to continually load me up with stuff to do.  It hurts me when I work so hard to do things for others, professionally or personally, and after a while, it just becomes the status quo.  I don’t do things so that people will pat me on the back or say thank you, but once in a while it might be nice for someone to realize that it truly does take effort to pay attention to the needs of others and that once in a while, I need something too.  It hurts my feelings that people think it’s a compliment or a sign of gratitude if they don’t have something negative to say.  I realize it IS a good thing, but don’t think I feel happy because you didn’t tell me I was doing less than satisfactory work professionally or personally.  More than that, don’t think that your silence makes me think I’ve done anything right or good.  Sometimes I need to hear it too.  I’m not superhuman and I don’t know everything.  Just because I’m calm doesn’t mean I’m not at my breaking point.  Sometimes I’m calm so that you can feel more stable.  Sometimes I’m strong because you need me to be.   But sometimes I need you to stop what you’re doing for a few moments and see me.   Sometimes I need you to understand that just because I don’t complain doesn’t mean what I do is easy.

shutterstock_125574653Everything I just said is true.  I don’t often feel that way, and I certainly don’t normally say those things openly, but today I felt it was important.  A few days ago I posted about the gratitude meltdown I had a week ago…and today I somehow lost sight of it.  I let my circumstances get the best of me and crumbled a bit under the pressure of life.  I let my frustration show and even vented a little about certain things that were under my skin…and I am sorry.  Yes, I’m human, but I didn’t feel good about it when I was doing it and I certainly didn’t feel good afterward.  There was some measure of relief in saying some things out loud, but then I immediately felt guilty for doing so.  It isn’t wrong to feel what we feel in life; what’s important is how we respond to it.   I did not choose the best response – not outwardly or inwardly.  I gave up and was ready to quit everything.  What a shame.

So in this season of gratitude, I find myself feeling the need to say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for forgetting how much I am loved by people who never say it.  I’m sorry for not appreciating the fact I have a job when so many people in this country are struggling to find work.  I’m sorry for whining (even internally) about being taken for granted when I should be honored that people feel comfortable to come to me.  I’m sorry for not speaking up and being honest about the fact I need things too sometimes.  I’m sorry for taking my frustrations and making them someone else’s fault.  I’m sorry for not stepping back and taking a breath and reconnecting with the spiritual things that ground me when I start to lose perspective.  I’m sorry for not being grateful for the countless blessings in my life.  I’m sorry for considering walking away from several things just because I feel like it’s the only way to finally be heard.  I’m sorry…you deserve better.

It’s ok to be human and to realize we all stumble sometimes.   We can have a day (or even a moment) of great clarity and gratitude and then have it stripped away by letting circumstances hijack our peace and contentment.  It happens…but we don’t have to stay there.  We have a choice.  We can choose to take a breath and recenter.  It doesn’t mean the feelings will always go away but what we tell ourselves during these times can be so powerful.  It is important to hold on to the truth when your feelings are swirling around you.  Talk to yourself – yes, out loud if you have to – and remind yourself of the truth…even if you don’t feel like it.  It can transform you.

shutterstock_154748687I am grateful.  I am blessed beyond what I could ever deserve, and when I focus on that truth, it brings me to my knees.  And even when I feel as though I am leaking like a sieve, I have a spiritual Father who keeps pouring more and more blessings into my world.   It is not only enough, it is exceedingly abundantly above all I can ask or think…and I will continue to follow what I feel led to do, even if it means giving all to a world that is so willing to take.  It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world does because I’ve been given so much that I cannot help but give.  It is not up to me to decide who gets to take or the manner in which they take.  How I give is between me and God.  How it is taken is between others and God.  And the sooner that is burned into my heart, the less often I will have “one of those days.”

Blessings!

Gratitude Meltdown!

Last week I had a meltdown.  It wasn’t the type of meltdown that comes from too much stress or difficulties in life, but rather a meltdown of gratitude.  I know that sounds odd and maybe even foreign to some of you but let me explain.

BlessingLast Tuesday night, I was on my way home after an amazing seminary class filled with all kinds of discussion.  As I left, I found myself feeling extremely emotional and grateful for so many things in my life.  I am normally an overly thankful person who appreciates even the smallest things, but this was different.  As I thought about the path I have been on the last year or so, I couldn’t help but see how God has continued to work in even the smallest things in my life.   I was speaking with a friend of mine and told her, “I wish people could step into my soul for even a moment so they could have some kind of concept of how deeply my gratitude runs for them and how much I love them. “ 

There are things I believe I have been called to do in this life.  I have felt this way as long as I can remember, but there have been a few times here and there along the way when I believe God has made it abundantly clear what I needed to be doing.  Interestingly, the “calling” or purpose for my life has never changed.  It may have been manifested in different ways, but the underlying purpose has always been the same.   I have not always followed that calling, but I have also never been able to escape it.  When God reveals your true purpose to you, no matter what age that occurs, you are never the same.  You either live in fulfillment of your calling or you fight it.  Sometimes that decision changes from year to year, day to day, or even moment to moment.  The one thing you can no longer claim is ignorance.

As I reflected on my own calling and purpose last week, I was overwhelmed by a deep acceptance of what I know in my heart.  Then I was flooded with a sense of gratitude for situations and people who have helped me over the past few years more than they will ever be able to understand.  Most of these people have no clue what part they have played in the continual “gelling” of my purpose.  They have no concept of how God has used them to help guide the trajectory of my life.  I could write volumes on each one specifically but it would still only express a tiny fraction of what I feel in my heart for them. 1009759_10152000392095299_569841632_n Even in my professional life, God has used countless situations, and some very special people, to bring me to deeper realizations about myself and life in general.   I am blessed to be part of a company I believe in, owned by a man I deeply respect.  God used him to bring me to a place where I could grow not only professionally, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  I am not the most normal person on the planet, but he and many others in the office allow me to be true to the things I believe in most.  The freedom I have found in my work environment has given me the ability to follow where I am led both inside and outside the office.  It has strengthened my spirit beyond comprehension.  It has not only helped make me a much stronger and authentic individual, it has made me a more passionate and committed person of faith.  How many people can say that about their work environment, owner, boss or coworkers?  It is overwhelming.

My point is that we ALL have a purpose to fulfill.  We may try to ignore it or even fight it when it comes up but we can’t escape it.  Sometimes our calling is to something that seems entirely different than the job or circumstances in which we find ourselves.  That’s when we need to step back for a moment and consider that maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be…for now.   Maybe God has us in places where our purpose is going to be fulfilled through unexpected means.  Maybe we feel called to ministry but find ourselves in secular professions.  Does that mean we have strayed from our true path?  Of course not!  Yes, sometimes we hide in our professions to try and avoid the fear of stepping out into the truth of who we are, but we must not forget that where we are is much less important than WHAT we are!  If you are called to love, then love!  It doesn’t matter if you work for a church or the government.  If you are called to teach, then teach!  It may be in the school system or within your own home.  If you are called to sing, then sing!  Do it in your car or the shower if nowhere else.  If you are called to minister, then minister!  You don’t have to be in a pulpit to share the truth of God’s love, grace and mercy with others.

shutterstock_157249559If you are truly called to do something, you will do it no matter what…even if no one applauds you or appreciates it.  You will do it no matter what it costs you in time, energy or finances.   You will do it because you cannot keep from doing it!  You will do it with humility.  You will do it with grace.  You will do it with compassion.  You will not demand the spotlight and you will not be angry with those who aren’t impressed with your passion.  You will simply live as you are called and let God take care of the rest.  It is my job to follow the truth of my calling and it is God’s job to take care of the results…even when it doesn’t seem like anyone notices.  When I live with that perspective, I live in a very different kind of peace.

I am so grateful for what this past year has brought and all the people in my life who have affected my path.  When I truly consider it all, I am overtaken with emotion and fall to my knees in earnest prayer for them all.  None of us can know what tomorrow holds, but we can decide to live today paying attention to just how blessed we really are.

And if that realization takes your breath away and you cannot stop the flow of tears…then let them come.  Maybe a “meltdown of gratitude” is exactly what you need to be able to see clearly again.

Blessings!

Settling For Passionless Work

shutterstock_30626650Work. We all have to do it in one realm or another. Whether it is inside or outside the home, we all face struggles sometimes with the things we do for a living. Every “job” has its ups, downs and cycles of frustration. It is the nature of work. Sometimes it is fulfilling and sometimes it can be draining. Regardless, we spend more time at work than we do anywhere else in our lives. It is important to always be willing to evaluate why we do what we do and the places we do it. This doesn’t just apply to our professional organizations but our personal, spiritual and familial ones as well.

It is interesting to consider the point that you can love what you do and not love the person or organization you do it for OR you can hate what you do and love the person or organization for which you toil. You can also have great passion for an organization or job, secular or spiritual, but that doesn’t guarantee it is what you are called to do. I am a firm believer that our true calling in life can be manifested in many ways over the course of our journey. I have fulfilled aspects of my own calling through different organizations and situations over the years. Sometimes we have to find ways to still honor our calling even when we are in situations where it seems unlikely it might fit. We do whatever is necessary in order to continue moving forward. Over the years, I have worked for people I admired greatly. I have worked for companies and organizations I loved. I have worked for people who are appreciative and I’ve worked for people who aren’t. I have worked for small organizations that were wonderful and some that weren’t. I have worked for a large organization and had pockets of amazing experiences with some amazing people. I have also had pockets of experiences that seemed to drain the life from me but, even in those times, there was something positive to be gleaned. One of the greatest blessings I gained in the seemingly negative times was to recognize the things I vowed to never do to the people that I worked with, for or who worked for me.shutterstock_73290586

Passion can drive us to do amazing things in our homes, jobs, churches and families if we will allow it. The struggle I sometimes face is caring deeply about a cause or organization and then see others trying to tear those things down. It wounds me. It literally hurts my heart to see other people half-heartedly approaching the things that mean so much to me or engaging in activities that are detrimental to the well-being and success of those things. When we find ourselves in these places, we cannot help but question where we are and what we are doing. It’s easy to look at others and be angry when they don’t share the same values or passions as you but it is much harder to not let it deter you from your efforts to make a difference. You can try your best to create something different, to engage people differently and to keep them energized, but you cannot force them. So if you are giving everything you have and you still find yourself faced with a negative or unsupportive environment, what do you do? To complicate matters further, if it’s not your calling, how do you handle it?

Sometimes it is so hard to know what God is working in our lives. When you feel your spirit crushed by the situations you’re in, no matter if it is intentional or not, it hurts. Sometimes the crushing can be a great clarifier but sometimes all it does is injure. Passion is a beautiful and necessary part of truly living but it doesn’t guarantee it will not cause us pain. Having passion about what you are called to do and having to wait for those doors to open is a difficult part of life but there is a reason you are where you are at this moment in time.

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Just remember you may be placed in the midst of people who rarely, if ever, show any appreciation for you even if they do feel it. Some people (or even organizations) seem to think that “no news is good news” and, as a result, only speak up when things are wrong because they assume you somehow just inherently know you are valued or make a difference. Even though it may cause you pain and even create a sensation you are worthless at times, it is important to try and let it go. Holding on to a lack of appreciation will only cause you to become bitter, sad or resentful. Don’t let someone else’s inability to show gratitude keep you from expressing yours.

The passion I have for the organizations I am involved in runs deeper than anyone in those organizations can imagine. That fact often makes for a difficult and challenging life but the alternative does not appeal to me. The reality is if you go through life passionless and numb, it certainly does take the sting out. If you can say, “My job doesn’t matter” or “My church doesn’t matter” then it doesn’t. If you can say, “My family doesn’t matter,” then it doesn’t. There is a certain amount of anesthetic and pain relief that comes with that but it also dulls everything else in life. I struggle with just throwing my hands up and saying “I’m done” when I become drained. I believe life is about truth and passion. I can handle anything but a liar. And I can take anything but apathy.

shutterstock_38318179James described it best when he said, “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” (James 4:14). Life really is shorter than we like to think. As James says, it is like walking outside on a cold morning and seeing your breath as it appears for a few moments and then dissipates. Why waste the time we have been given each day by living passionless lives? We need to stop settling for the mundane and expect the extraordinary! If the people around us refuse to step out of their complacency, negativity or sense of entitlement, then we need to refuse to step out of our passion, optimism and sense of gratitude. And if there is no bridge that can be built between the two, then we need to have the strength and courage to step away and follow where we are led.

Blessings!