Category Archives: Courage / Fear

Revelation and Fragility

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Lately I’ve been immersed in a process of revelation.  I just completed writing a book that details the journey I took with my best friend, Annette, over the years as she eventually lost her battle with brain cancer.  It has been an intense and emotional process and one that has put in me yet another position of vulnerability and revelation.  Doing anything creative opens us up for all kinds of judgments (and even ridicule).  When we reveal the truth of our journeys, and the truth of what we experience and feel, the risks are so great that we often shrink back behind the veil of what we think we should look like to the world around us.

Throughout the process of writing and editing the book, I was taken to new places of reflection and realization.  At times it was a painful process as I stripped away the final layers of my protective covering, but it reminded me of how beautiful life truly is when we are wiling to risk judgment for revelation.  Annette and I trusted each other and refused to let society dictate to us how we would treat each other or express our love and care for each other.  As a result, we risked all kinds of ridicule and misperceptions but we didn’t care because we found something that far surpassed the fear of rejection and ridicule:  the strength of being understood and loved without condition. 

Love maskThe revealing of ourselves is often a painful experience.  Whether it is due to the revelation of traits we are not proud of or simply the revelation of our emotions in their most raw state, the result often brings us pain.  We don’t like to be vulnerable, and we don’t like our relationships to get out of balance between give and take…or revelation and reticence.  Even in our most difficult emotional moments, it is often hard to let down our guard or know that we need to reach out to someone who we know loves and cares about us.  We would rather curl up into a corner by ourselves and bear our burdens alone instead of “troubling” someone else with our struggles or let them see us in our fragile state.  Not only that, we don’t want to BE fragile with someone else because it opens us up to more hurt if we are not embraced in our fragility, or worse, judged for it. 

Recently I had the amazing blessing of being able to help someone I love get through a difficult time.  Interestingly, it happened at a time when I was struggling with my own internal issues, but the moment she became vulnerable, nothing could have stopped me from being there to support her.  All the things I was struggling with suddenly paled in comparison to the love and care I felt for another person.  It was an honor to have someone lay their heart in my hands for a short while and to be trusted to not injure it.  It was humbling to be allowed to care for someone who needed to be cared for in that moment.  lost and aloneAnd it was beautiful to see the openness and vulnerability of another’s spirit – even if it was something they would have fought to hide under normal circumstances.  It strengthened and comforted me far more than any strength or comfort I provided for her.  It was as a result of this experience that I remembered why honesty matters so much in our relationships and in our lives.   It reminded me why I had been willing to pour intimate details of my life into a book for all to read.  It whispered to me, “Without revelation and fragility you will never experience true acceptance and strength.”

Helping HandsIt was that experience that gave me courage to keep moving forward in the midst of my own struggles.  It strengthened me to know life is full of relationships that help us grow and it made me proud of my own revelations I shared within the book I just finished.  It reduced my fears of being judged or rejected for the exposure of my own heart.  Revealing ourselves, or becoming openly fragile for a while, allows us the opportunity to see love manifested in the ways someone else cares for us.  But beyond that, it also allows us the opportunity to strengthen those same people in ways we can’t even understand.  We need to stop being so worried about those who will reject us if we reveal our true selves and focus on those who embrace us more purely and love us because we reveal our true selves.  And as I say that, I can’t help but think, “Annette would be so proud.”

 Blessings!

I Am Not Presentable

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shutterstock_57395806Image can be a powerful thing.  We would like to say that we don’t judge people by their appearances but the truth is that our society has a way of doing so anyway.  It says a lot about us when we duck and hide from people we might actually want to see just because we think we don’t look presentable.  And how do we even define what “presentable” means anyway?

Yesterday I went against what I believe in my heart and it bothered me enough that I felt compelled to share it with all of you.  I was out with my husband and since it was the weekend, I didn’t think twice about going out in my old shorts, t-shirt and baseball cap.  I didn’t take time to do my makeup because I was spending the day relaxing and taking care of some things around the house.  I know I’m not the only one who does this but we all know there is that proverbial risk of being out and running into someone you know.  As my husband and I were leaving the parking lot of where we had just eaten lunch, I saw an old friend of mine walking into one of the other restaurants in the same complex.  We have wanted to see each other in person for quite some time but we just haven’t really had the opportunity to do so.  It would have taken nothing more than stopping the car to be able to see her for a few moments.  I told my husband who she was and he said, “Let’s stop!”  I panicked and told him no, to keep driving.  I knew she hadn’t seen me so I was still in the “safe” zone.  When he started to stop anyway I told him I had far too much to do and didn’t have time to talk so we just needed to go home.  The truth is I was too embarrassed with the way I looked to stop and say hello.  As a result, I missed a great opportunity to connect with someone I care about very much.

If you’ve read any of my blog posts, you know I am a huge proponent of being who you are and embracing the people in your life.  It doesn’t matter what you look like or what you are wearing; what matters is how you clothe your spirit.  I believe these things with all my heart and here I was going against those very beliefs.  I must admit, I was shocked at myself.  What is it that would cause me to so quickly and strongly avoid making a connection for which I had been longing?  It was fear, embarrassment and a feeling of not measuring up.  shutterstock_137315255You see, this friend of mine is beautiful.  I mean really beautiful.  When we were in high school, she was pretty, funny and popular.  She was always friendly to others, even those who may not have been as popular as she.  I always liked her and considered her a friend but we were never close.  It wasn’t until much later in life that we found a beautiful connection of our hearts which has become a great treasure for me.  My friend would have been thrilled to see me yesterday, even in my “grubby” clothes and no makeup but I instinctively recoiled at the thought because she is even more beautiful today than she was all those years ago…and not just physically.  She has a beautiful spirit and I have been blessed to know her and yet I reacted before I could stop myself.  So what happened?!

Society tries to engrain in us an image of what beauty is and if we fail to attain it, then it means we are somehow less worthwhile.  Even though most of us would agree that image is warped, we still have moments where it pops up and causes us to react before we think. Even those of us who are usually strong, confident and know our worth is not in our appearances sometimes fall prey to the images that society tries to dictate to us.  We see someone who we think is more attractive than we are and – without even thinking – we start reacting as if we are in different classes of people.  We think someone is more beautiful so we avoid being near them when we don’t look our best.  We think someone is smarter so we avoid talking with them.  We think someone is more athletic so we refuse to play sports we love because we don’t want to look stupid.  We don’t dance because we think we have two left feet.  We don’t sing because we don’t want to be made fun of.  We develop a life that is fragmented and stressful because we spend all our time measuring ourselves by those around us instead of embracing OUR beauty and our gifts.  We spend our lives looking at the gifts of others and wondering why we weren’t blessed with them instead of looking at the ones we have been given and finding value in what we have to offer.

d river islandWe all have unique abilities, gifts and physical traits.  We are all beautiful in our own ways and the sooner we embrace that truth, the more amazing our lives will become.  We are all so hard on ourselves and we need to start focusing on the fact that we all feel “unpresentable” in one way or another.  We are all imperfect but what a shame it is when we allow our imperfections to keep us from connecting to those we love.  If we are willing to be seen as we are, even when we are not at our best, we begin to free others to let down their guard as well.  And when that happens, we may be surprised to find out that they are just as fearful to be seen without “makeup” as we are.

So today I apologize.  I apologize to myself for letting the madness of this world override the sanity of my spirit and for missing a wonderful opportunity to see the true beauty in life.  And I forgive myself for it all and choose to embrace the beautiful lesson I have learned.

Blessings!

Live In The Moment

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shutterstock_119676250Life is about moments.  It is about breaths and heartbeats, not days or years.  We hear all the time about how important it is to live life in the moment and, although it’s true, I fear we have become so accustomed to listening to it that we don’t actually HEAR it at all anymore.  We go on about our daily lives, making plans and worrying about what needs to be done next instead of appreciating the moment we are in and the ones with whom we share it.

I have encountered a lot of losses in my life.  I have lost many friends and family members over the years and each one has its own set of grief associated with it.  Even the counselor I have seen over the years has said I’ve experienced more loss than most people.  I suppose she is right but I told her recently the reason I have experienced such great losses in my life is because I believe in connecting deeply to those around me.  When you open your heart up and truly love and connect to others in this life, your world is filled with such amazing joy and great love.  Of course the other side of that equation is your world is also filled with great loss.  It is a difficult thing to balance in your heart sometimes. 

When I was young, I thought I’d never live to be 30.  I was obviously wrong since that age has long since come and gone but I have always been very aware that life is short and none of us are guaranteed our next breath.  This breath is all we have.  NOW is all we have and if we choose to not live in the moment, then we are choosing not to live at all.  Life is scary sometimes.  shutterstock_133009796The thought of what might be just around the corner can be paralyzing to us and cause us to spend all our time and energy planning for all the “what ifs” we can imagine.  Somehow we believe that if we plan well enough and are disciplined enough to stick to those plans, then we will lessen the chance of something terrible coming into our world.  Planning is not wrong but when we allow our plans to imprison us or even distract us from what is happening around us right now, then it only brings us more stress in life.  Difficult things WILL come into our lives no matter how well we plan and, if we aren’t careful, we begin to somehow blame ourselves for not planning better.  It is a warped perspective but it happens more often than it should.  

Nothing will clarify your perspective more than serious illness – yours or that of someone you love.  I helped take care of my best friend for many years as we fought cancer together and it caused us to take great advantage of every moment we shared whether her cancer was raging out of control or in remission.  It caused us to not worry so much about what tomorrow would bring because focusing on tomorrow steals today from us.  One day we wake up and find that our life has become a constant struggle…a struggle with health or finances, a struggle with our jobs, a struggle with family or friends.  We spend our time trying to resolve the struggles instead of embracing the fact that getting up every morning is a gift!  Annette eventually lost her battle with cancer but we won so much along the way.  We won the “moments.”

shutterstock_126144137I thought I would never in my life have to again face such a serious fight with cancer in someone I was that close to but sometimes life doesn’t turn out as we think it should.  A year ago today, one of the people I am closest to was admitted to the hospital for what seemed to be a bad stomach flu.  Within 3 days, she was diagnosed with cancer and was in surgery that turned out to be extremely extensive with a number of complications.  She underwent radiation and chemotherapy and we had hoped that by the today’s anniversary we would be celebrating full remission.  Instead, things shifted and she is beginning another series of treatments that is even more aggressive, with potential side effects that are also more aggressive and toxic, to try and get it all under control.  I would love to say I have learned to trust God and live in the moment so well that I choose to celebrate that she is still with us…but I would be lying.  I get terrified sometimes just like everyone else.  The thought of eventually losing someone so close to me to the same disease all over again terrifies me because that pain is all to real in my heart even after all these years.  It is too overwhelming to my spirit.  Then I am reminded that to look ahead down ANY road in life serves only to distract us from the beauty of today.  Doing so weakens us.  It weakens our faith and sometimes even our resolve.  

Life is uncertain.  We all know it is true but it is exactly that truth that scares us to death.  We don’t want to feel pain or loss.  We don’t want our loved ones to feel pain or loss either.  As a result, we endure a much greater loss than necessary as we let this moment slip away without acknowledging the beauty it contains.  We need to stop looking ahead.  We need to stop avoiding connections in life.  We need to stop being afraid to let down our guard and be who we are on the inside.  We need to love with all our hearts and forgive just as deeply.  We need to fulfill our true calling NOW and stop waiting for a “better time” to do so.  There is no better time.  As a matter of fact, there may be no time left at all. 

shutterstock_96294860So live in this moment…in this breath and this heartbeat.  Fill it with joy and love and the most beautiful connections.  And if you are blessed to have another moment, fill it with the same.  It is the only way to truly be free. 

Blessings!

Detours Are Not Without Purpose

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Lately it seems my life has been touched with an abundance of intense and challenging situations.  Some of them have been in my literal physical world and some have been in my internal world.  It has brought an unusually large amount of stress into almost every area of my life.  My professional life, though good, has been filled with so many various stresses that it has caused me to step back and rethink many things and adjustments I need to make on that path.  My physical life has had things flare up that I need to address.  Even the normal respite of church-life has brought a state of discontent that has made me step back and look at things with a new set of eyes.  Professionally, physically and spiritually it feels as if I am traveling on some sort of detour in almost every realm.

vectorstock_1197417Think for a moment about your day to day travels and of the actual, real-life traffic detours you have encountered along the road.  If you are like me, you get frustrated and sometimes angry over the fact that you have been re-routed or slowed down.  I am irritated and if I am in a hurry it is even worse.  It just feels like I am losing so much time and yet those detours are necessary in spite of it all.  If I were allowed to continue on a path that has been closed for construction, there would not only be a greater delay in my journey, but I might not even make it through at all.

For most, we usually struggle with detours whenever they appear, constantly questioning whether we should continue on or follow an alternate path.  Only you can decide what to do but whatever it is proceed cautiously.  You are in a dangerous area and your senses need to be heightened in order to make it back to the main path of your journey.  footprintsThe detours I have taken in my life have allowed me to see meaning in the roads less traveled.  Detours cause us to search deep within ourselves to find what will fill our spirits personally and professionally.  They cause us to question the reasons we will not walk away. They allow us the opportunity to see new scenery and explore new options.  Eventually the detours on my journey brought me back full circle to the place I began but they did so with a new knowledge of who I was and what I was willing to accept.  It’s both confusing and comforting to see the path behind us as we journey forward.  It is also amazing to understand there is a certain knowledge that can only come from what seems to be the wanderings of our lives.

I am thankful for every detour I have had.  If it wasn’t for the detours and construction zones of my life, I would not be who I am today.  I would not have the understanding or empathy I have today for those around me who are trudging through detours of their own.  It is interesting to reflect on the situations in our life and see how different they look from the other side.  Things often make so much more sense when looking back but how can you possibly make sense from detours if you don’t endure the potholes and continue until you come out on the other side?  If you stop and sit down in the middle you may never get out.  You may end up broken down on the side of the pathway, damaged and distracted to a point it becomes nearly impossible to find your way.

shutterstock_114318994So as I proceed cautiously down the path before me, my desire is to do so with an awareness that allows me to grow and move in the directions I need to in order to arrive at the destinations that will fulfill me most.  It is my prayer that we all find peace with the twists and turns of our respective journeys and that we still find wonder in the steps along the way.  There is a purpose even in our seeming wanderings.  J.R.R. Tolkien said it best: “Not all those who wander are lost.”   What one person perceives as wandering might actually be one of the most important aspects of another person’s journey.  Let us be careful to honor not only the meaning of our own detours but also the ones of those around us.  Let us hold the light for others as they travel through the construction zones of their lives for we never know when we will need someone to hold the light for us.

Blessings!

“Out Of the Closet” Isn’t Always What You Think

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I recently shared some personal information about myself with my family and, subsequently, with the rest of my friends. It was something that up until now just wasn’t openly discussed. There have been a few people in my family with whom I talked about it in the past and I have had some amazing friends who have known and supported me for many years. Unfortunately because the stigma attached to mental health and brain chemistry issues is so great, it is a subject that required careful silence. My revelation: I have lived with bipolar disorder my entire life and was officially diagnosed in April 1994.

shutterstock_93702475We all have things in our respective “closets” that we are afraid of revealing. We are afraid it will so drastically change our world that we would rather live in hiding than risk upsetting what we already have. We are worried our families will struggle with the corners of our reality. We worry we will lose respect of the people in our professional lives. We fear that society will suddenly frame us in a different light and begin to judge us solely within that frame. WHY then would we ever want to come out into the light and fully show ourselves? Why would we want to open the door to areas within us that may cause people to walk away?

I have a faithful friend who, when I shared the news of my revealing with her, responded with a note filled with beautiful words. In it, she said something that resonated deeply within me. “Being open does not give other people power over you. It gives you power over you.” There exists such a wonderful truth in that statement. Coming out into the light of your truth will liberate and empower you. It will give you the ability to breathe more deeply because you aren’t constantly wasting your energy trying to shove things further into the dark. It will also allow you to more clearly recognize those beautiful people in your life who truly accept and love you as you are. It is not easy to come out of the closets in our lives, no matter what those particular closets might be. There is an endless list of things you might be hiding but there is one solution to it all. Turn on the light and throw open the door. Walk bravely out into the open and look around. You just may find there are many of your friends and family who embrace you in all your uniqueness. You already have the key. The question is whether or not you will use it.

shutterstock_110895386“Coming out” is a term that applies to much more than simply the one thing with which we commonly hear it associated. Revealing our true selves is a process of steps. We first show our truth to one or two people (or maybe even a few) that we know we can trust completely. We lean on them and use their support and acceptance to help us grow stronger. Then we begin to carefully unravel the layers of our selves to others in our world. We may come out to friends but not to our coworkers. We may come out to coworkers but not our families. We may come out to our families but not to others. It just depends on the situations in which we find ourselves. You see, there IS risk in revealing the things in our lives that we (or we assume others) consider to be unattractive, embarrassing or negative and it is not always appropriate to run wildly into the open shouting our truths. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when we cannot help but do so but we must remember there are also consequences we may face as a result. If I had revealed the truth of my bipolar brain chemistry in my professional world years ago, it would have become an albatross from which I might not have been able to escape. My position (and my particular division) was one that was not conducive to such revelations. My successes would have been eclipsed by the glaring judgments of many of my colleagues which would have undermined my ability to continue to be viewed as productive and successful. It is sometimes a difficult dance to maintain and the sad thing is it is a dance you will dance alone. The same holds true for any other realm (family, friends, etc). Depending on what your closet holds, you may find yourself dancing alone in the midst, trying to find a balance between revealing and surviving.

I have been overwhelmed by the positive and encouraging responses of the people in my life and am grateful beyond belief but there are still areas that have not been fully breached. It is a process but I will take it as it comes. For now, it is an unspeakable feeling of liberation and I am excited to see what God is doing and what path He is clearing before me.

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Often times, we THINK we are ready to walk the path before us but we continue to be faced with obstacle after obstacle. They are not here by chance. They are here to help us come to the place where we begin to see that the only requirement to being all we are created to be is to let go of who everyone else thinks we are. When we relinquish our need to always be in control, we will find there is a much greater power than ourselves clearing the path at exactly the right time, in exactly the right way. Honesty, truth, kindness and love…these are the great purifiers in our lives and refiners of our paths. Trust yourself. Embrace the truth and let the rest fall where it may. It is the only way to truly live.

Blessings!

To help fight the stigma of brain disorders, please visit any of the following links: