Category Archives: Choices

A Flawed Yardstick

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shutterstock_321656606In life, all of us tend to measure ourselves by how we compare with the other people in our lives.  Do we have as much as they have?  Do we look as good as they look?  Are we as successful as they are?  We do a lot of comparing and although it can spur us to make positive changes in our lives, it more often makes us just feel worse about our circumstances.  The truth is if we never saw or knew what someone else has or did, we’d be much happier with what WE have.  Right now I wish I could remember that truth more strongly than I do.

My husband and I have a good life.  We have a great marriage, a great (though imperfect) family, amazing friends, a wonderful church, good jobs, two awesome dogs and a home to call our own.  However, like most middle class families, we sometimes (or often) struggle to make ends meet.  We’ve been blessed to, on certain occasions, be able to save a little extra to buy something frivolous that we want or maybe even go on a short vacation.  We don’t have the luxury of taking extended time off or going on glamorous or exotic trips.  We don’t drive glamorous vehicles, but our old vehicles are paid for and they still run decently.  In another year and a half, if we stay on track, we will be debt free with the exception of our home.  I don’t think we will ever be anything but upside down on that!  Welcome to middle class America where you make just enough to get by, but never enough to get ahead.  I know we are not the only ones in this boat!

It’s easy for all of us to sometimes look at the people around us and wonder why it seems that others are blessed with the things we want.  It’s easy to question why we work ourselves to the bone and try to be decent people when there never seems to be any payoff in comparison to what we see others getting.  We see people who are mean, manipulative or even dishonest, being rewarded at every turn while we feel as though we get kicked over and over, no matter how hard we try.  As people of faith, we can even question, like in the 73rd psalm, “Why do the evil prosper?”  It seems that doing the right things, being good to others even when we don’t agree with them, or living by the “golden rule,” will do nothing but wear you out.  We’ve all been there and we’ve all thought it at one point or another.  The interesting thing is that if we didn’t ever have to see or listen to what others are getting, we would be much more content with our own situation.

shutterstock_337724702It is an interesting thing to consider that when we actually look at someone who is less fortunate than we are, we suddenly feel better about our own situation.  For example, when you pass a homeless person shivering in the night, or drive through a run-down and even dangerous area of town, it puts things in perspective.  We find ourselves suddenly grateful that we have a roof over our heads, a warm bed in which to sleep, clothes to wear and food on the table.   But you see, normally we aren’t taking time to consider those who have less than us.  We only consider and look at people who have more.  When you pay attention only on those who have more or are getting the things you want (or have even prayed for) it can be tough to swallow.  And if you believe God is in control, it can be even worse because it can sometimes lead to you feeling like God is mad at you or somehow he doesn’t see or maybe he just doesn’t care.  Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  If that’s true, then what’s the problem?

First of all, we take a lot of verses and twist them to make it sound like God is some kind of cosmic cash-cow with which we just pull the lever and get what we want.  I’ve heard a lot of people (and preachers) who often quote the last phrase of James 4:3 and say, “You have not because you ask not,” and leave it at that.  Is that a truth?  Yes, but we must continue and read the next verse that says, “You ask and do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your own lusts and pleasures.”  You see, this isn’t just “Ask God and you’ll get what you want.”  The reality is very simple if we go back to Psalm 37:4.  If you truly delight yourself in the Lord, it means you will come into agreement with His will.  You will seek Him first, and when that happens, the desires of your heart will change.  You won’t be concerned with keeping up with the neighbors, but instead will be concerned with living as Christ lived and being obedient to His principles.  Your desires will be aligned with God’s will.  You will want what He wants because you delight in Him above all else.  And when that happens, you will find the desires of your heart granted.  You will ask and receive because you are NOT asking with the wrong motives.  It isn’t rocket science, but no one wants to talk about this aspect of God’s word.

So back to this issue of feeling unfulfilled as a person of faith.  It really is all in your perspective.  It all comes back to God’s grace and mercy, and how we view it.  God’s grace and mercy are things that are freely given to us.  shutterstock_308297366Grace is getting what we don’t deserve, and mercy is NOT getting what we DO deserve.  For example, even though I’m saved, I still sin.  I don’t deserve for God to forgive me time and time again for doing or thinking the same thing, and yet he has promised to forgive us EVERY time we ask and wipe the slate clean so He can bless us.  That is grace – I don’t deserve it but He blesses me anyway.  On the flip side, I deserve to have to feel miserable and condemned because of the things I think or do, yet God promises to not only forgive us but to forget it completely and then helps us move forward and live abundantly with all kinds of blessings.  More practically speaking, it could also look something like this:

  • Grace – Maybe you don’t always do the right thing financially, but God looks for the areas in which He can still bless you. You end up with nice things, in spite of how you behave at times.
  • Mercy – Maybe you are oblivious or selfish and often make other people feel worse about themselves or their situations (even if it is unknowingly). Instead of leaving you with no friends (which is what you deserve), He allows you to continue to have relationships, and He even continues to help you grow and change.

Grace and mercy really do go hand in hand many times.  If we look close enough, we can see both of them at work in our lives in the very same situations.

We all really love grace and mercy when it applies to us.  We love when God blesses us even when we don’t deserve it.  We love that He forgives us and then helps us through the repercussions of our bad decisions or behavior.  We love that He doesn’t take away everything we have just because we rub it in other people’s faces through our insensitivity to their circumstances, or maybe even if we simply don’t appreciate it.  And when we’ve done something stupid (like my husband and I have done financially on many occasions) and should experience great loss, we let out a huge sigh of relief when God provides a way to minimize the impact.  We love grace and mercy – until it happens to someone else.  shutterstock_74446510When we look at someone who gets something  we think they did NOT deserve, it makes us angry or jealous.  We just can’t figure out why God would do that.  After all, why wouldn’t God punish them instead of allowing good things in their lives?  I must confess I have a big “justice gene” in me, and it’s hard for me to watch people do wrong (or not do right) and just keep landing on their feet.  We’ve all watched people who have made terrible decisions in their lives and still keep coming out on top.  That’s a hard thing to witness when you spend your life truly trying to do the right things and somehow keep coming out on the bottom.  It can be a very difficult thing to handle.

In Matthew 20:1-16, we are told a parable of a landowner who went out at around 6:00 a.m.  and hired men to work in his vineyard.  He made a contract with them to work until 6:00 p.m. for a full day’s wage.  At 9:00 a.m., the owner went back and found some more men to come work for him.  He told them to come and work and he’d pay them “whatever was right.”  The owner did the same thing again at noon, 3:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.   Remember, no one but the first set of workers had a contract.  When quitting time came at 6:00 p.m., the owner started paying everyone, beginning with those who were hired last.  The owner paid them a full day’s wage.  Remember these guys only worked for one hour!  Then he did the same with each group of men, paying each of them a full day’s wage, regardless of when they started working.  You can just see the first group of men standing there as the process was going on, thinking surely they will be paid MORE since they worked all day long and these other “lazy” men got paid full wages.  When it came time to pay the 6:00 a.m. workers, the owner paid them exactly what they had contracted for – a full day’s wage.  Was that a fair amount?  Absolutely!  Did it make them angry?  Absolutely!  When they complained about it, the owner said, “I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a day’s wage?  Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you.  Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?  Or are you envious because I am generous?”  Ouch!  It’s interesting to note that if those 6:00 a.m. workers had not paid attention to what everyone else was paid, they would have been happy with their wages and for the fairness of the owner who kept His word.  They were richer at the end of the day than when they began, but that no longer mattered.

So often we are like the 6:00 a.m. workers, especially as Christians.  We know what God has promised us, so we go about serving Him as we believe He has asked us to do.  We attend church, tithe, sing, teach, and a host of other things, and we even do them with the right motives!  We study and we try to live the way He has instructed us to live.  We strive to be generous, love others and forgive even without being asked.  We stand up for what is right, and take the high road in our personal and professional lives.  And you know what?  WE ARE BLESSED!  If we are doing what we are called to do, then we will absolutely be blessed.  God has promised, and He does not lie.  So then everything should be great, right?  Wrong!  See, God doesn’t care how late in the day someone starts serving Him; He cares about HOW they serve Him.  Someone could spend a lifetime making bad decisions but asking God to forgive him/her, and guess what?  He WILL!  When He forgives, He forgets and wipes the slate clean.  That means He is free to bless that person when he/she makes good decisions or is obedient to His will.  But we cry out “That isn’t fair!” shutterstock_294695897 We sit back and start thinking about all the effort we’ve put in, maybe even the persecution we’ve endured in life for living right, and start feeling slighted that God doesn’t give us more!  Once we get into that cycle, we become ungrateful and resentful not only of what others have, but of the fact that God now seems so unfair.  Sometimes it shakes our faith to the point that we start considering becoming selfish and living however we want, because in our minds, obviously that’s what pays off.  We feel we have a right to complain about it, just like those 6:00 a.m. workers did, and God’s answer is the same as the owner of that vineyard:  “I am not being unfair to you, friend…Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?  Or are you envious because I am generous?”  The truth is, we are envious because He is generous, and the entire problem begins when we start looking around and comparing what we have to what others have.

God is a gracious and merciful Father.  All of us count on Him keeping His word.  We count on the way He forgives and restores us, even when we don’t deserve it.  We count on the fact that He blesses us any time we serve him with the right motives, instead of punishing us for when we don’t.   We each have our own walk, and I don’t know exactly what is going on in your life, just like you don’t know exactly what is going on in mine.  You don’t know where I’ve been or the state of my relationship with God, just as I don’t know yours.  So before we get too judgmental with others (or ourselves), or become too critical of God Himself (because that is the reality of what we are doing), we need to step back and remember who He is.  God IS love, and He is continually forgiving ALL of us when we ask and blessing us far beyond what we deserve.

We need to stop determining  our opinion of God’s mercy and grace based on how we all compare to each other.   If we look at what anyone else has as a measure of His generosity, we are in danger of using a terribly flawed yardstick  to judge both those who we think are better OR worse off than ourselves.  The truth is that if we have more than others, it isn’t a sign that we are better than them or that God likes us more.  And if we have less than others, it isn’t a sign that God likes us less!  Focus on what you do have instead of what you don’t.  Consider the faithfulness of God in your life instead of being upset that He is faithful in someone else’s.

Grace and mercy – two beautiful aspects of God’s character that we twist and turn to fit the way WE think, but thankfully His ways are not our ways.  He is more loving, forgiving and generous than any one of us could ever be, and I am grateful.   If He has made specific promises, He will always keep His word (like the owner with the first group of workers).  But in those areas where His promises are what He will do, but not HOW He will do it, we must trust that He will always “do whatever is right.”  Very few people spend their entire lives in true service without sliding backwards every now and then.  Every time we sin, we lose time – work time, service time.  We are the equivalent of the “lazy” workers who didn’t put in a full day’s work.  That puts almost all of us in the category of the other workers.  When we lose time, we must trust God that He will reward us with “whatever is right.”  It is quality, not quantity for which He is searching.

shutterstock_130134731So today, I will look to Him and His faithfulness to me instead of looking at the possessions, successes or blessings of anyone else.  Will I stay in this place?  Unfortunately not, but through the beauty of God’s grace and mercy, I can return to it with a simple refocusing and the promise of His forgiveness whenever I ask…no matter how many times it takes.

Blessings!

Change Is a-Comin’

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As we start the new year, social media is a buzz with all kinds of things to help us reach our new year’s goals and resolutions.  There are websites, apps, and all kinds of other things to feed our addiction to improve our lives or ourselves – even if it is only temporary.

shutterstock_2175852582015 brought with it a lot of changes that have made me a better person.   God has worked through every situation, whether it seemed (to me) to be good, bad or somewhere in between.  It’s easy to look backward and see how things have changed us or made us think differently, which SHOULD help us as we look forward.  We don’t have to make sense of everything as it is happening, but rather we can be free to live in the moment and experience life as it happens.  Is it good to plan?  Yes, but that doesn’t mean we should become so concerned with planning and trying to figure things out that we miss everything that is working together for our good.

When we are experiencing difficult times, it is natural for us to expend all kinds of energy trying to make things better or easier, when we would be better off simply breathing through it and taking from it whatever lessons we need.  I’ve had things happen this year that have disappointed me beyond explanation or what I can truly express.  There have been things in every area of my life that have been painful and disappointing, but there have also been things in every area that have been beautiful and brought me great joy.  It all depends on where you choose to look and HOW you look at it.  When we look at our difficulties as an opportunity to reveal the truth about a person, situation, job, church or anything else, we become open to growing and changing through those difficulties.  Thankfully we get to make these choices daily on whether or not we will grow or shrink.  We don’t have to wait for the “New Year.”

shutterstock_257497339Inevitably, most of us take a time to reflect on the passing year and on what we hope for the next one.  We consider the mistakes we made or things we could have handled better.  We think of the opportunities we let slip and times we should have stood up when we didn’t.  Then we start making plans for how we will do things differently in the new year.   No matter the specific change we want to make, we determine to become a better version of ourselves.  I’m not saying it isn’t a noble endeavor to begin but somewhere along the way, we start to slip and end up back in the same old rut, year after year.  I must admit, it’s just easier to go along with the status quo than to get out of our comfort zone and develop a new habit…or a new me.  Every year I have great intentions for the new year, but often fall short because life happens, or at least that’s what I tend to say.

It’s time for me – for all of us – to expect more.  It’s time that we start following that still small voice within, no matter where it leads.  I am certain there will be changes in my spiritual walk because without it, no other changes will be accomplished.  For me, everything starts with where I feel God is calling me to be, and yet knowing it is only half the battle.  This year I need to not only listen, but then draw fully on His strength to carry out the things I know I need to do.  That’s the piece I sometimes miss because I take His will and then start making MY plans for how it will be accomplished.  This year I need to KEEP listening past the “what” and put faith in direction for the “how.”  Waiting and being patient do not come naturally when we are feeling desperate for change, but forcing the timing of that change can backfire on us and stall our progress.

shutterstock_15726439Change is going to happen for all of us this year.  It may be small change or it could be larger than we can even imagine right now.  For me, there are already changes in process that I did not see coming and, quite frankly, are not happy about.  It happens sometimes – circumstances take a turn and we are faced with decisions we’d rather not have to think about, especially when the only options we can see are ones that make us figuratively (or literally) sick to our stomachs.   It is like a rollercoaster that just keeps going until it comes full circle back to the station.  We ride it up and down, through the loops and around the corners, without really any control until we end up back where we got on.  The interesting thing is that once we get off, it’s up to us whether or not to get back on it again.  We can keep doing the same futile thing over and over, speeding down the tracks but getting nowhere, or we can walk away down a new path.  Sometimes neither FEELS good to us in the moment, but one will most certainly lead us nowhere but around the same track.  It’s time to get off the ride and get on with our lives.

So as we all look at where we are in light of where we have been, let us stop promising to change and start resolving to listen to that still, small voice within.  If we will pay attention to where God is leading us instead of where we are planning to go, rest assured the path will be revealed.  Yes, as the song says, “change is a-comin’, but everything’s gonna be alright.”

Blessings!

The Power of a Pie!

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Lately I’ve been struggling lately with all the negativity that surrounds us constantly in the news.  There are political arguments, issues with terrorism, fights among people of faith over things like Kim Davis (which is a blog for another time) and just general unrest all around us.  It can sometimes start to wear you down in ways you don’t even realize.  We start looking at things in our own lives with a wary eye.  We become cynical and start focusing on all the things we don’t have or what other people DO have.  We start losing our confidence and feel like hunkering down until all the stress of life blows over.  It can absolutely wear you down.  shutterstock_260082779This is where I’ve found myself lately, but then something wonderful happened.  I baked a pie.  I realize that announcement seems to be completely unrelated to what I have to say, but it really isn’t that far out in left field.  You see, sometimes it is the most unlikely, seemingly random things in life that can help you refocus on something positive.

I am not, (I repeat, NOT) a domestic goddess!  Most of you who follow the blog know that I am a true tomboy and always have been.  While my sister was spending time in the kitchen with my mom and grandmas, I was busy outside hunting, fishing, playing football and doing whatever else I could to get dirty and have some fun.  As a result, I never developed a love for cooking and baking, or even knew HOW to do any of it.  I could do enough to eat and stay healthy, but tackling something like a pie?  Well, that was just way too far out of my comfort zone.  I manage to do a lot of things fairly well, but believe me, VERY few of them involve a kitchen!    That being said, I saw a picture of a pie a week or so ago and immediately thought it was one of the coolest looking pies I’ve ever seen.  Immediately I thought, “I want to make that pie!”  (No, I’ve never made a pie from scratch in my life.  No, I’ve never made pie crust.  No, I have no idea what I’m doing.)  I showed the picture to a dear friend of mine who is an amazing cook/baker.  Seriously, everything I’ve ever tasted of hers has been amazing!  When I told her I wanted to make the pie, she chuckled and then said, “Ok, let’s make it!”  We decided on a time to get together so that she could stand in the kitchen with me and help talk me through the first pie-making experience of my life.

Yesterday, she showed up with all the stuff I needed in order to make the pie but knew I probably didn’t have in my house – cookie sheets (I only had one), parchment paper (I had no clue what that was for), spices (believe it or not, I actually already had nutmeg!) and a recipe for apple pie.  We went to the store and bought the other things we needed, and I embarked on my journey.  I don’t know how long a pie is SUPPOSED to take to make, but I’m pretty sure the process isn’t supposed to take almost 7 hours. I watch MasterChef and I’m pretty sure they could have done it in less than 45 minutes!   LOL.  IMG_9285Don’t get me wrong, I made the entire pie myself, but I had to ask questions and have the “whys” of certain things explained to me.  If I’m going to learn to make a pie, I want to really learn how to do it so I can do it again.  By the time everything was complete, I stood in my kitchen staring at something I honestly never thought I’d be able to do.  It made me giddy!  Yes, a pie made me giddy!  I was so excited that I posted pictures of it on Facebook mostly for the shock value since all my friends know I don’t really cook and I’m sure seriously doubt I have any skills at all.  It was a great day/evening, and I made a great pie!  Yes, it even tasted great. Was it perfect?  No, but it was better than I imagined.

So why share the somewhat boring story about making a pie?  Because as I drove to church this morning, with my pie in tow for a potluck, I realized just how good it made me feel.  You can laugh at me for saying this, but it made me feel more confident as a person.  Yes…a PIE caused that.  I realized that no matter how confident I may be in other areas of my life, this was an area that actually made me feel stupid.  Do I HAVE to cook?  No.  Do I HAVE to find a way to be good in areas that do not come naturally for me?  Not necessarily.  But stepping outside my comfort zone and being willing to listen to someone who is masterfully skilled in an area I’m not, made me see just how true it is that any of us can do anything we set our mind to do.

We make decisions every day  – mostly small decisions – that affect how we feel about our abilities, ourselves and our lives.  We make them without even thinking about them.  We gravitate to our comfort zones even when they may be strangling us to death.  If you are a somewhat confident person, it is also sometimes hard to step out of your comfort zone because it can feel embarrassing to have to start from the bottom in something and learn the basics. shutterstock_175906310 I dropped out of piano lessons for that very reason.  I could play enough piano to write songs and play most of what I wanted by ear.  Having to start by learning scales and other basics was just too boring.  I didn’t want to admit I struggled with playing the basics when I could sit down and play and sing an entire song already.   So our comfort zones can sometimes keep us from growing.  Actually, they quite often keep us from growing.  We make decisions to put ourselves in boxes.  There are certainly outside factors that build boxes for us.  People may tell you that you’re not intelligent or that you are brilliant.  You may be told you are beautiful or aren’t attractive at all.  You may be labeled as a hard worker or lazy.  There are so many boxes that are built for us, but here is the beautiful truth:  WE choose which boxes in which to put ourselves!  We are the ones who choose to climb into them, or in some circumstances, refuse to climb out of them.

Boxes and labels can make us feel safe.  We can climb into a familiar box and make self-depreciating jokes about the things we don’t do well so that we don’t have to hear anyone else make jokes about us.  We think it is easier to accept our limitations in ways that hold us captive than to put the energy into climbing out of that box.  Am I saying we all have to be great at everything?  Not at all.  Besides, no matter how great you are at most things, there is always something in which others do better than you. shutterstock_28374553 It is perfectly okay to NOT be good at something.  It is perfectly okay to NOT like something.  What I’m saying is that what we tell ourselves about those things is vitally important to our self-confidence.  What we choose to believe about ourselves is crucial to our mental well-being.  Don’t give in to the peer pressure of a society that tries to dictate what you have to be good at or what makes you “successful.”  BUT don’t become so uncomfortable or embarrassed about those things that you aren’t willing to try them if it’s something you want to do.  As you’ve probably heard before, “You never know until you try.”

We all have natural abilities, and our life should be filled with maximizing those abilities, talents and gifts.  I believe they are God-given for a purpose, and we should embrace them and walk in them.  But doing so doesn’t mean you can’t live life to the fullest by experiencing new things!  I don’t bake, but I made a pretty darn good apple pie from scratch (based on the reviews of those who saw and ate it)!  Had I not been willing to step outside my comfort zone (or ask for help in doing so), I would have missed out on a great experience – both in the time spent with a friend while making the pie and the joy of sharing it with others at the potluck.  Will I make another pie?  Probably.  Do I want to become a baker?  Nope.  I simply found that I didn’t have to be intimidated by something just because it’s something I wouldn’t normally do.

The greatest thing you can do is to live YOUR life!  Be who you want to be and stop making choices based on someone else’s assessment of what you are or are not capable of doing.  We are all amazing human beings. shutterstock_82458775 Every single one of you reading this is AMAZING!  You make look at others and label yourself as being less creative, talented, skilled, smart or a host of other things, but the truth is if that is what you believe, it is because you CHOOSE to believe it.   If someone tells you that you aren’t capable of doing something, it is your choice whether or not to believe them. Don’t let someone else’s definition of your potential limit your dreams!  And don’t let your potential go unattained because you are held captive by your own comfort zone!   Listen to your heart and go boldly in the direction of your dreams – even if those dreams seem insignificant or unreachable to those around you.  Achieving even our smallest dreams can become confidence builders that take us to new heights in our lives, even if no one ever knows why it is so important to us.

I guess sometimes all it takes is to bake a pie.

Blessings!

Get Out Of Other People’s Closets And Open Your Own

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I recently read a Facebook post from someone I knew from church when I was younger.  We didn’t attend the same church, but we attended church camp and youth events together, and ran in pretty much the same circles.  It was a beautiful post from a beautiful person with a genuine heart for God.  Brandon Beene is my friend and I wish so much that we had gotten to know each other even better when we were younger because we share some very common struggles.   Another of Brandon’s friends shared the entirety of his post on his blog, and it was so impactful that I put a link to it at the bottom of this page because it’s worth reading, especially if you grew up in church.

Something that Brandon talked about in his post was the way he was bullied growing up, much of it coming from the fact he was not a masculine guy.  What Brandon doesn’t realize about me (or hasn’t until he reads this) is that I experienced many of the same things.  Maybe some weren’t to the same degree because I didn’t get beat up physically, but I got beat up in every other way.  shutterstock_184639775The bullying and teasing and humiliation I felt drove me to the point of standing on the edge of a bridge,  picking which car I was going to jump in front of in case the fall itself didn’t kill me.  I understand Brandon better than he probably could have ever dreamed.  We’ve shared very eerie similarities on the opposite side of the same issue.  First of all, I couldn’t agree more with what Brandon said.  His comments about love and what it should be are spot on.  I’ve often written about what love really is and what it means to truly love others.  I’ve written about what God’s love really looks like and how greatly we can affect this world if we would strive to love as God loves.  The problem with loving that way is that it often bothers or even offends most “religious” people today.  It also doesn’t sit well with people who are not religious but who consider themselves to be superior because of their own moral compass.   The interesting thing is that our problems are an epidemic that only genuine love itself can resolve.

Most of the people who are around me know I’ve never been a girly girl.  I don’t like cooking or sewing.  I don’t like pink.  I hate dolls.  I didn’t like to read love stories.  I didn’t like to watch sappy movies.  I liked watching the creature from the black lagoon, and my favorite author was Edgar Allan Poe.  I burned bugs with magnifying glasses.  I spent all my time outside playing football with the boys.   I participated in all kinds of sports and was good at them.   I even cried when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to play football in high school, because girls weren’t allowed on the team.  I got teased all the time because I was scrawny and gangly, and hadn’t developed physically.  I hate dresses.  I never wore them unless I was forced to.  There were some pastors I encountered that insisted women wear dresses or skirts, and all I could think was how miserable it made me in church.  When I was a kid, probably about 6 or 7, I told a friend at church that I actually WAS a boy.  She pretty much believed it until the day she told me to prove it, and of course I couldn’t and had to pony up to the truth.  My opinion of girls was that they weren’t strong.   They were concerned with makeup, hair, nails and shopping.  Blech!

I got teased and was the brunt of a lot of jokes.  I suffered privately and tried to find other tomboys with which to hang out.  I liked being rough and tumble.  I am glad that in this day and age, it is more acceptable for girls to be that way, but it wasn’t so in my generation.   I even got teased in my family for not cooking or not knowing how to cook.  The truth is that I can cook when I try, and the things I have cooked have turned out well, but I still don’t enjoy it. I go shopping, but I don’t like it.  Another thing Brandon mentioned was that he didn’t really like sports or know the rules of all the different types of sports and I thought, “I know the rules of all the different sports.  Heck, I even know the rules to curling!”  I love sports.  I watch them and play them, and would much rather hang out with a bunch of guys watching a game and having a great time than sitting around the kitchen table with the girls talking about “girly” things.

shutterstock_200320292Brandon also revealed in his post how he was called gay on many occasions and had to endure many times when he was called a fag or faggot.  It was painful to read his experiences.  While I do think that men and boys can be much harsher outwardly than girls with that kind of name-calling, the truth is girls are just as mean and brutal; they just do it behind your back.  Where Brandon had to deal with people calling him those names, I had to deal with the looks and snickering that people thought I didn’t see. I certainly felt the awkwardness of being excluded because I wasn’t a “normal” girl.  I got teased unmercifully for wanting to hunt with all of my cousins and uncles.  I didn’t get called gay or “dike” to my face, but I found out later it was going on all the time behind my back.  I even had an experience where I was called into my school counselor’s office because a friend (who I trusted completely and considered to be one of my closest friends) told a teacher that I was a lesbian.  I’m sure it came from the fact I wrote very expressive poems and writings all the time and shared them with the people I loved.  I loved everyone.  It didn’t matter if it was men or women, or from which walk of life they came.  Unfortunately, that was unacceptable to the people around me.

I would often write how I felt about my friends and my mother even warned me to be careful about what I said to people or wrote to people because they would start to think I was lesbian.  I ignored it and you know what?  It happened.  I really struggled in high school.  I think everyone does.  We struggle with figuring out our true selves.  We struggle with who we are and who we think we should be, and that struggle is made so much worse when we don’t fit the mold of what our family, friends, or religion thinks we should be.  We get sideways glances.  We get rejected.  I had one friend in high school who always understood me as much as anyone possibly could at that age.  She knew that I was just emotional and expressive and was not a girly girl…and she didn’t care one single bit!  I liked to dress odd and funny.  I was a little bit of everything and never really fit into one particular group.  But the rumors apparently continued, and have throughout my life.  Even now, I manage an exceptional team of people on the job and have been successful professionally.  One day a few years ago, we were sitting at the end of a meeting just visiting a bit, and I made a comment about being such a girly-girl and my team all laughed because they all knew I was the opposite.  The newest member of the team made the comment, “Oh, you don’t wanna know what I thought when I first met you.”  She went on to say she thought I was gay.  When I asked why, she said, “ I don’t know.  You just seemed that way.  You are always in a suit and the way you walk….”  I just laughed it off because the truth is I LOVE suits.  I wear them continually and I don’t carry myself in an extremely feminine manner.  I walk heavy.   I’m not one to sit around and say, “Oooooh…aaaah” when babies come into the office.  This woman told me it wasn’t until she saw me with my husband that she realized differently.  She said anyone who sees me with him would know I wasn’t gay.  But me by myself?  Apparently I still give it off.  And you know what?  I’m ok with that.  I had to get to the point where I didn’t care what anyone else thought or I would have to remain captive to their opinions forever.

shutterstock_266832950Brandon mentioned how he didn’t have a gender identity crisis.  I will echo that statement.  I didn’t/don’t have a gender identity issue.  I had a comfort issue.  I was uncomfortable because I didn’t fit in.  When I was small, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, but as I got older, I realized how rejected and judged I was by others.  I knew I was a girl but I didn’t like anything girls liked.  I never owned a Barbie.  To this day, I hate them.  I walk into something girly and just cringe.  I can’t stand baby showers or wedding showers.  I feel like a man when it comes to those things because I have the same reactions to them.  I’d rather do pretty much anything than spend hours at them. Over the years, I’ve had countless people tell me they thought I was a lesbian.  Of course, they never divulged that impression until they had known me a while and figured out I’m just me, that I’m just quirky…but it still hurt.  Feeling like you don’t fit in is one of the worst feelings in the world, and it can drive you to some very dark places.  When you add on top of everything else that I have a form of bipolar disorder, you can see how my brain chemistry issues complicated things for me.  It made me highly creative and highly connected and intense, but this world doesn’t understand that.

I mentioned earlier that I was constantly the brunt of jokes about my lack of traditional femininity.  It was a struggle when I tried to square what society expected me to be vs. who God created me to be.  It was so difficult that when a member of our high school choir touched me in  very inappropriate ways as we sat waiting to go on stage for a performances, I was frozen and didn’t know what to do because the wounded side of me thought, “Well maybe I am ok as a girl because at least I’m not unattractive to him.”  The vast majority of my boyfriends were guys who liked to hang out.  They weren’t terribly romantic and I was fine with it!  I liked to do the kind of stuff they liked to do.  I eventually married someone who is a man’s man but who loves me because I’m not such a girly-girl. He is the perfect partner for me because he loves me exactly as I am and actually embraces it.  He is a gift from God, himself.

I have friends of all walks of life, including friends who are openly gay or lesbian…and I love them dearly.  I love them because God created me to love people – all people – passionately…because HE loves them passionately.  I don’t have to agree with their politics, religion or choices in order to love and appreciate them.  It has nothing to do with that.  It has to do with loving people exactly where they are.  And maybe I’m even more passionate about that fact because it felt like it happened so rarely in my life.

shutterstock_153650339The truth is that God made me this way for a reason.  When Brandon said God doesn’t make mistakes, I couldn’t agree more.  I have said that for most of my life but it wasn’t until I was older that I realized God wired me this way for a reason because there are certain people out there that I can touch as a result.  As a matter of fact, there are some people out there that only we can touch because of who we are and the experiences of our specific individual lives.  We can reach people that others would have a hard time connecting with because they can’t understand their situation or personality.   I’m different.  I’ve always been different.  I’ve also been ridiculed and mocked for it.  I’ve been called all kinds of names for it.  I’ve almost died for it.   On the outside I may have looked like a fun, carefree, and well-liked person, but in my heart I struggled with many of the same things as Brandon did.  It is time for us to get over our fears and live exactly as we are created to be!  Stop judging each other.  Stop labeling each other.  Stop bullying people who aren’t like you and call it something else.  It doesn’t matter how we try to rationalize our behavior, it is still wrong.  Don’t say you are a Christian and then spend your time making the people around you feel less than you.  God doesn’t do that.  Jesus didn’t do that while here on earth, and He certainly doesn’t expect us to do it either!

It’s time to be who God called us to be, not who our parents, friends, bosses or churches are trying to call us to be.  I teach this to my Sunday school class all the time.  The things you like, you like for a reason.  The things that don’t interest you, don’t interest you for a reason.  God created us with our likes and dislikes because it’s those likes and dislikes that connect us with others in different ways.

So I’ll close with something that came up for me when Brandon said he can relate to the struggle of Caitlyn Jenner feeling like an outcast.  I thought to myself, “I can’t imagine any man wanting to give it up to become a woman and everything that is supposed to come with it.”  But I can sure identify with the same things about it with which Brandon identifies.  I can identify with hiding mental health issues.  I can identify with hiding suicidal tendencies or attempts.  I can identify with struggling to just be who we are and let God sort it out because NONE of us have a right to stomp on someone else.  Let me just add that Chaz Bono encountered a lot of the same things even though he wasn’t as well-known in his life as Chastity as Caitlyn Jenner was in his life as Bruce.  I could better identify with her struggles because they were closer to mine.  If I were a child today, raised in a more liberal home, I would be “pegged” as having a gender identity issue.  And  if I continually said that I was a boy or wanted to be one, I guess I could more easily become one.  But you know what would be a million times better than labeling a child (or adult) as having a gender identity issue?  It would be saying, “It’s ok that you don’t like all that girly (or boyish) stuff.  It’s ok that you want to do what you like to do.”  Maybe we should sit down with our kids, as well as with our adults who are still struggling and say, “It’s ok to not fit into what our society has defined you to be.  You just be who you were created to be because God loves you just exactly as you are.”

shutterstock_219355915It’s scary to think of how far left of center we have become.  We’ve started labeling people as one thing or another instead of looking within and seeing them as they are.  We have actually started crippling each other by embracing the new politically correct labels instead of dropping the labels all together.   It used to be a shame to be called gay, where now it is embraced by society.  Now it is a shame to be called other things.  In some circles it is a shame to be called a Christian.  It doesn’t matter what era of time we look at, there are always people who did not fit in, who were bullied and mistreated because of their differences.   Society and humanity is cruel because we are continually looking for labels to put people into boxes where we can look down on them and feel better about ourselves.  What an absolute contrast to what God does and what He has asked us to do.  We need to drop the labels and embrace each other.  It doesn’t always mean we will agree, but love goes so much deeper than differences.   It would be so much better if we just simply loved each other.  I realize with an imperfect world and imperfect people it will probably never be that way, but we can hope.  And we can, through the telling of our stories, change the individuals who can eventually change the world.

Blessings!

Brandon Beene Facebook Post

Michael Robison Blog of Brandon’s Post

When Is “Enough” Enough?

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shutterstock_236380858Today I stopped at the post office to drop off a tray of mail, and I pulled up next to a very joyful, elderly gentlemen that was parked in a handicapped spot.  He was trying to get back into his car, which required getting his walker collapsed and into the backseat before he could get in himself.   I acknowledged him and asked if he needed assistance, but he just smiled and said he didn’t.  When I came back out from dropping off the mail, he hadn’t progressed very far in what he was doing, though he was still as joyful as he was when I walked in.  As I got into my car, I couldn’t help but think, “How blessed am I that I am able to walk to my car, get in and drive here and then carry in a tray full of mail and drop it off without missing a beat?”  Even with all my own aches and pains, I go about most daily tasks without even giving them a second thought.

It seems we get so caught up in the things that are wrong with us, or the things we need to change, that we forget about all the things that are right and don’t need to change at all.  We forget about the things in us that are perfect.  Yes, I said perfect.  We all have things about us that are exactly as God created them to be, and we need to embrace those things instead of taking them for granted.  I am not a perfect person.  I may not do anything perfectly, but as a child of God, I am already perfect in His eyes.  I am perfect in His eyes because when He looks at me, He sees me through the blood of Jesus Christ, and every time I fail at something or do something wrong, it is covered with that blood.  God sees me as who He created me perfectly to be.  I see myself as who I am with all of my failures and imperfections, and I think, “If I could just try harder, people would appreciate me more.  If I could just be better, people would love me more.  If I could just not mess up…if I could just be ‘enough,’ everything in my life would be grand.”

I spent most of my life feeling like whatever I did, or whoever I am, was/is just not quite enough.  I was raised with the perspective that if you have the ability to do something, you should do it, and if you are going to do something, then you should always do it to the best of your ability.  That is a very good way of approaching life, but the portion that was never really taught or emphasized was the price you pay when that mindset goes to the extreme.  shutterstock_228054031For me it was never about materialistic things (possessions or money), and it still isn’t, but the mindset is still manifested in other ways.  I heard somebody tell a story about speaking with a very rich friend and he asked this friend, “How much is enough?”  The gentleman responded, “Just a little bit more. “  That sticks with me.  When working for a company, how much is enough effort?  When is it enough?  My answer has always been, “Just a little bit more.”  How much will you give before it is enough?  My answer has been, “I need to do just a little bit more because I have the ability to work more or give more.”   Remember, I have always believed that  if you have the ability and you are going to do something, do it to the best of your ability – to the maximum of your ability.  I have a lot of interests and things in which I engage.  I’m driven to do every single one of them to the “best of my ability.”  Luckily I’m fairly intelligent and creative, and I am able to juggle a lot of things at once (and I have done so over the course of my life).  I think if I CAN do all of these things and excel at them, then I SHOULD do them, because anything short of that is not enough.  Anything short of that means I’m failing.  It means I’m average and I don’t want to be average.  I want to be excellent.

People say I’m competitive, and I am.  But what most of them have never understood is it isn’t so much that I’m competitive with them; it’s that I’m competitive with myself.  If I know I have the ability to be the best or to be first, then I am upset if I’m not.  It’s not because someone else was first or deserved it; I’m upset because I failed when I knew I could have succeeded.  That’s a really hard expectation to live up to in life.  We put such extreme pressure on ourselves to succeed and be the best in everything we do or every time we touch something, that when we aren’t perfect, we see it as an abject failure.  The truth is we aren’t a failure, we are simply human.  It doesn’t matter that we may have things for which we have superb and sometimes unbelievably amazing skills.  There will still be times that we do not reach our full potential when we engage in them.  That doesn’t mean we failed!

shutterstock_219355915Doing things to the best of our ability (in the sense to which I am referring), comes with a price.  We need to start talking more about that price because it is often extremely high.  I’ve paid that price at times in my life because it seemed less costly than feeling upset or distraught when I think someone is disappointed in me.   I’ve paid that price at times because everything in me screams, “You have the ability to not disappoint them!”  It’s interesting how nothing in me ever screams, “They have unrealistic expectations!”  Nothing in me screams, “YOU have unrealistic expectations of yourself!”   Just because I can, doesn’t always mean I should.   Just because I can, doesn’t mean it’s the best for me.  Doing everything I CAN to the  best of my ability will drain me, wear me out, and eventually destroy me.  It will do the same to you.  I’m not saying we should be lazy or careless, but we look at anything short of perfection or giving more than we have as exactly those things.  And most of us don’t want to be seen that way.

So when is it enough?  I am certain I’m not the only one who struggles with the fact that “enough” always seems just barely out of reach.  It’s like I can touch it with my fingertips, but I can’t grab it.  As a result, I am often filled with anxiety, guilt, disappointment and even a feeling that I should be punished because I haven’t lived up to my potential.  Doing everything you can to the best of your ability shouldn’t mean doing it better than everyone else.  Most people would say they agree with that statement, but when you watch them, you often see people who are actually not content with the level of their ability.   Maybe it is better stated this way:  Do things to the best of you.  You need to be the best you in all ways – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  And the best “me” is the one that is healthy, peaceful and without continual stress, anxiety and emotional upheaval.   Living under the pressure of those latter traits is not an abundant life.  God said, “I came that they may have life, and that they may have it abundantly” (John 10:10).  Most of us say we want that, but maybe we really don’t.  Maybe I want everyone else’s approval more than I want an abundant life.  Maybe I want to live up to unrealistic expectations more than I want to live an abundant life, because doing so makes me feel superhuman. We (I) think the busier we are, the more valuable we are, but an abundant life isn’t frantic.  It also isn’t draining.  On the contrary, it is fulfilling.  An abundant life isn’t about being enough or doing enough.  It isn’t about trying to be enough;  it is in knowing you already are!  It is knowing that God already loves you completely – even as you are.  You don’t  have to (and can’t) do anything to earn it.  You can’t do anything to make Him love you more.   Your choices certainly determine your level of peace and blessings in life, but they aren’t going to make God love you anymore than He already does, because you are already “enough” in His eyes.  We need to stop trying to be and do enough.  The apostle Paul said, “I have learned in whatever state I am to be content” (Phil 4:11).  Contentment is peaceful.  It is not stressful.  It does not put such mental and physical stress on your body and mind that you cave in upon  yourself…because eventually you will  and it will come out somewhere.

shutterstock_227837773When is enough “enough?”  It is enough right now.  And when you start to struggle with the expectations of others, or more importantly of yourself, you need to step back and say, “I am a child of God, and in His eyes, through the blood of His Son, I am perfect…and I am enough.”  If I could step back and live contented with the knowledge and understanding that I am enough, then  it won’t matter what anyone else thinks of me or what they think my choices should be.  As long as I am following what I know God would have me to do, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  And if stepping back and simply doing what I am called to do causes loss in my life, then so be it…because letting go of the perspective that “enough” is “just a little bit more,” will free up space for us to grab and hold to those thing that make us realize we are more than enough.  Letting go of those things that are draining us (as scary or unsettling as that may seem), will free us from doing things to the best of our ability and leave it up to God to do things through us to the best of His.

Blessings!